Bitchicisms

Young boys are so cute. They are insanely horny. Even when they're practically falling to sleep they will still try to fuck. And they are so adorably weird. Especially when they encounter someone like me.

He was tired and I was a little drunk. I hugged him and he managed not to let go. He was so unsure of himself, which was adorable. He didn't want to seem too eager in front of his friends.

Finally, in our little room, he gave up pretenses and fucked my brains out. It was a bit fuzzy, I may have passed out. Next thing I remember, I was waking up. He was sleeping beside me, his back turned to the wall. I hugged him, pressed my breasts against his backs and started kissing him. His body was sculpted, he'd lost weight since the last time.

He turned to me. He had such nice nipples. He whispered encouragement as I sucked his cock. Then I climbed on top of him and started to ride. The little boy was moaning, groaning and shuddering. His eyes were closed and he repeated how good it felt.

I climbed off and he fucked me. He was a fucking jackhammer. It was brutal and violent. I loved it. He could barely walk afterwards. I could barely stand.

For the longest time, I've kept my hair short. It was just always easier. I didn't have to make up a fuss. It was easy to wash. And it kept me cool in this tropic country I live in.

I was determined to grow it. And then a sudden decision to cut it short after an annoying encounter with a man. Now, having been fortunately (or unfortunately) shielded from any man-ache for some time, my hair is the longest it's ever been. And I missed it so.

I forgot how sexy it felt to have hair brushing against my shoulders or my back. How good it felt to run my hands through it. How amazing it was to be fucked from behind while someone pulled it.

Of course I'm told my hair looks nice. Longer hair makes me look softer. It makes me look more sensual. And of course men love looking at it, smelling it and touching it.

I want to grow it long. Long enough so I could pull it back in a long braid that came down my back. I can't wait to have someone wrap my hair around his fist as he fucks me. I miss that.

The message came at 2AM. It was a simple "Hey." The number wasn't listed in my phonebook. I replied with a simple, "Who is this please." The reply was a question, confirming that I was who I was and that I owned the phone number receiving the messages. I was confused. I had no idea who this was. Then he said who he was. I smiled.

It was someone from the fairly recent past. From something that I knew had ended with more of a "see you later" than a "goodbye". The texting proceeded. He was used to texting at odd hours and keeping me up. It started as a light, teasing, cajolingly sexual conversation. Of course, I kept up my part of it, knowing that if I didn't steer things properly, there would be no sex.

He actually made the first obvious pun. I texted him "wtf" and he started to read into that. When asked for an explanation I said it meant, "what the fuck". In his horny little mind he had read it to be "want to fuck".

And I did. And we did eventually. I fell asleep waiting for the answer. The problems with his schedule required him to forego sleep and travel several hours ahead of schedule to fuck me. And he did. And he has improved. Fucking his pregnant girl probably made him more inventive.

There are so many songs that inspire lustful thoughts in me. I'm not actually a fan of the whole, let's-do-it-to-the-tune-of-a-song movement. I think any sounds or noises in the background during sex should just be ignored and the slap-slap of flesh on flesh punctuated with the moans and groans (preferably not just mine, but also my partners), should be heard more than any song.

Some songs just make me wet. Some make me so damn horny I've stopped whatever I was doing to masturbate. I've posted so many of those kinds of songs here. But one song that makes me wanna-fuck-someone-crazy is Tear You Apart by She Wants Revenge.

Got a big plan, this mindset maybe its right
At the right place and right time, maybe tonight
And the whisper or handshake sending a sign
Wanna make out and kiss hard, wait nevermind

Late night, and passing, mention it flipped her
Best friend, who knows saying maybe it slipped
But the slip turns to terror and a crush to light
When she walked in, he throws up, believe its the fright

Its cute in a way, till you cannot speak
And you leave to have a cigarette, your knees get weak
An escape is just a nod and a casual wave
Obsessed about it, heavy for the next two days

It's only just a crush, it'll go away
It's just like all the others it'll go away
Or maybe this is danger and you just don't know
You pray it all away but it continues to grow

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear

I want to f*cking tear you apart

Then he walked up and told her, thinking that he'd passed
And they talked and looked away a lot, doing the dance
Her hand brushed up against his, she left it there
Told him how she felt and then they locked in a stare

They took a step back, thought about it, what should they do
Cause theres always repercussions when you're dating in school
But their lips met, and reservations started to pass
Whether this was just an evening or a thing that would last

Either way he wanted her and this was bad
He wanted to do things to her it was making him crazy
Now a little crush turned into a like
And now he wants to grab her by the hair and tell her

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to f*cking tear you apart

Yes. When I want to fuck someone I do want to tear them apart. The most honest fucking for me involves pain and bruises. I like the hard kind of sex. Sucks that the covert ops I've been engaging in recently requires I leave no marks.

I just realized recently that I had no idea how women I knew fucked. I knew how most of my guy friends fucked, mostly as a result of several hours of detailed clinical conversation. 

I liked getting sex tips and advice. I like hearing about clear adult objective discussions of sexual congress. Sometimes it repulses me when the person doing the discussing is a friend i somehow find physically disgusting, but it is a part of growth. I do know that to be good at something, anything, one has to practice and study. Those are always the two parts: studyto learn from others and practice to learn from yourself.

Given that  I know how my guy friends kiss, fuck, lick, suck, touch and the things they like to do... mostly because we've all discussed it. Some girlfriends I know their M.O. But some of my nice girl friends? I wonder how they do it...

I mean, of course I don't like thinking of my girl friends "in that way" whatever way that implies. But sometimes I have to wonder...

How do they know they're doing things right if they don't compare? Have they ever seen porn? Do they have any idea what they're doing? Have they ever tried learning anything? Do they engage in ass play? How do they look when they come?

Most of the visual images these questions trigger are kinda gross. Partly because 
I don't find the girls in question attractive, partly because I know their gross-looking boyfriends. But it does make me wonder...

I've been told I generally don't fuck like most women, I just want to know the difference other than I am very very horny. 

Yes yes. Again I want to end that long twisted history. End it cleanly. Search for that sign. Is this it? The final irrevocable sign that I have nothing at all to look forward to with him and that I should just strike him off the list. A sign in fact that I should burn the list and start anew. A mark that I must pass with flying colors. The time to bury the hatchet and let go of that security blanket. Disregard that I can get laid any time I want to if I just go to that place and that person.

I did like him for his mind originally and not just his dick. He's closed to me and so I must become closed to him. Soooo like those grammatically incorrect Catholic/Christian bumper stickers from long ago. Their stupidity lay not in the fact that they even got printed but that some morons even thought they were right and placed them on their cars. Idiots didn't know the difference between 'Don't get close to me get close to God' (which was the right way) and the printed 'Don't get closed to me get closed to God'. Faith makes people stupid. So I'll stop having faith in you (not God some other person).

If I send you a message past 2AM, its probably cos I was drunk. Several moronic things have been brought about in this way. The final surrender to H. The angry messages sent to H. The angry messages sent to Xn. The stupid messages sent to V. The stupid messages sent to Speedfucker. In fact almost all the most stupid messages in the world are sent in the period between 2AM to 5AM.

They are also the most sincere. Now if they were just coherent and well crafted enough to be believable and not disregarded.

Recent talks with girl friends baffle me. Why is everyone so concerned that I am not in a relationship? Is it simply not enough to say that I don't feel like one? Is it typically unacceptable to say I'm not sure I'll be in one someday?

I know intellectually that the whole one person for someone thing is a mathematical improbability. I do believe that there is a possibility there are several someones out there for me. I do get those feelings where I wish I had someone to watch stupid movies with or have sex with (make love, whatever) on a regular basis. Suffice to say these base needs have not completely overridden my senses to make want to get into a relationship.

I wonder. If I get into a relationship again, will I turn back into the simpering lump of female flesh I was the first time? Shall I let him dictate my clothes (conservative), my hair (long), my schedule (home early), my friends (only the nice ones), my attitude (behaved) and my self-esteem (low) as I did before? Or would this be my turn to wow my friends with an inappropriately less attractive man who will obey my every whim (somehow nice guys who are average-looking get hot girls I have no idea why)?

I once asked a friend of mine why she chose a man that had...interesting features (he was motherfucking ugly)...she replied that she knew she wasn't pretty and he was nice to her. I was galled at her admittance. I had to admit myself that she was right in her physical assessment and that maybe sometimes settling was the key to happiness. Another part of me swore never to go down that route. That resulted in an ex-boyfriend so vain and egotistical he was completely surprised when I dumped him after repeated verbally and emotionally abusive fights.

But what if I do settle down? With someone not so hot, not so pretty, not so successful or ambitious or talented. Someone simply understanding and adoring and adorable. The thought frightens the living shit out of me.

I was parched after I came. Must be because I sweat out all my body's water as we were fucking. May be because I released all my bodily fluids. Or maybe I was just parched from moaning as you fucked me.

I wanted water. Walked over to get one from the cooler. Chose one that was cold and had some ice clinging to it. I drank it in big gulps. I held it in my hand as we watched the tail end of Mythbusters.

Silly me I neglected to notice I was naked. I didn't realize until I felt my nipple pebbling that I'd pressed it against myself. My eyes clouded again as I rubbed it a little. I didn't think you'd noticed until you unceremoniously bent your head to flick my cold nipple with your tongue.

Horribly narcissistic and vain song that I can somehow relate to...

I take it in stride; One day at a time
If I ask no questions I’ll hear no lies
How come blessings only come in disguise?
Try them on for size as I vocalize
Ain’t nothing gonna get in between me and my flow
Aint’ nothing gonna come between me and my afro
My man just left me; what do ya know?
Easy come; easy go!

He came out of the blue
And went right back into it
Had to forfeit because he couldn’t get with it
Called it quits and when he spins
He said he didn’t have time for my juvenile bullshit

I've had a lot of failed relationships; I don’t get involved because I’m not equipped
I believe that the world should revolve around me!
I don’t see the point of a partnership; it won’t be long until they start to trip
Yessiree, the whole world should revolve around me!

There’s only one me in the galaxy
I am an endangered species
This kind of flower don’t grow on Earth
Just lettin’ you know for what it’s worth

This kind of mountain shouldn't cause a depression
So I bide my time with philosophical questions
Not for nothing but what came first
The chicken nugget or the egg mcmuffin?

I got talent and I got tits
I know I’ll find another guy who wants to get with it
I’m not convinced that I’m a big fat bore
One man’s pleasure is another man’s chore

I've had a lot of failed relationships; I don’t get involved because I’m not equipped
I believe that the world should revolve around me!
I don’t see the point of a partnership; it won’t be long until they start to trip
Yessiree, the whole world should revolve around me!


I know I rock and what I got is hot
And you know I got a lot
Cause all that trippin you gotta stop
Before you know it your ass’ll be drop

And if you concerned with my biological clock
Since I never grow old my heart is always in stock
Keep screwing that bitch from down the block
I don’t need you around I know I rock!

I've had a lot of failed relationships; I don’t get involved because I’m not equipped
I believe that the world should revolve around me!
I don’t see the point of a partnership; it won’t be long until they start to trip
Yessiree, the whole world should revolve around me!

I've had a lot of failed relationships; I don’t get involved because I’m not equipped
I believe that the world should revolve around me!
I don’t see the point of a partnership; it won’t be long until they start to trip
Yessiree, the whole world should revolve around me!

I'm horribly, terribly, insanely busy. Which directly conflicts with the fact that this makes me bored. I am too bored to fuck. I am too bored to masturbate. I am even too bored to flirt. Sometimes I am too bored to move.

I swear to myself the wane of my libido is not a sign of depression. And I promise that the minute even food or cigarettes hold no interest for me I will get checked by a psychiatrist.

It is cunning. Hiding behind masks. Showing less of my colors. And playing. I miss the playing most of all. The sex is easy as always. Offers come and are turned down. The real goal is to play. None of the recent items on the playlist will provide that.

Dangerous Liaisons made me realize this. The joy of cunning and deceit and cruelty. To be truly evil I must cut out my heart. And remove that which weakens me. Play with the intention of winning.

How to properly use your hands on me:

1. Begin by grabbing me roughly to you. Pull me close. Grab my hair. Grip me hard.
2. Spank my ass. Not little taps, but the ones that actually almost hurt. As hard as you can. Leave a red mark.
3. Take off all my clothes. Don't rip anything unless I tell you before hand you can rip them off. A lover once slapped my hands away when I started to unhook my bra on my own. He wanted to do it himself. Another kneeled in front of me as he pulled off my pants. Then he wrapped his arms around my legs and pressed his face against my lace-covered crotch.
4. Pull me to you. Roam your hands all over my body. Softly and gently. Caress all my curves.
   
5. Massage my breasts. Slowly and firmly. Press them against my body, press them together. Feel their weight in your hands.
   
6. Pay special attention to my nipples. Roll them softly and firmly between your fingers. You can use your tongue to lick them and your mouth to suck them too.
7. Spank me again. Harder.
8. Put your hands on my pussy. Find that fuck hole. Use one finger, then use two. Cross those two fingers together and curl them upward. Thrust slowly as you feel me creaming.
9. Grab my hips and place my in position. Guide your cock into my pussy
10. Spank me, grab me and pull my hair as you fuck me. You can bite me too.
11. Repeat steps 4 -7 until I come.
    

Now here's what I want you to do. Just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it.

The Internet really has everything for anyone. This confirms it. Even though the site caters specifically to men on men fantasies, it gets me. I love nipples. Love them.

This site makes me wanna cream.

I remember when I strayed from my regular meaty/bear types (V, Kv, Xn)... When I saw Adrien Brody in The Pianist, then in Love The Hard Way.

He was skinny, and tall and lanky and weird-looking. With that big nose and those small eyes and thin lips. That led me astray. The curiosity for something new, something foreign.

Then I saw Son of Sam. Perfection. Adrien Brody is hot.

Sometimes you get the craving for different things, something new. Most people use this as an reason against monogamy. But it can be an excuse for it too.

That craving I get right now is the craving for someone to listen to me. Someone there to validate my existence and experiences by being there for me. Someone who will always be available. And these are the worst reasons for wanting to be in a relationship.

O once told me that H can become needy because he's used to having a girlfriend. This was the time when O and I were still close. When H was confusing me because of his conflicting words and actions. When he constantly needed me and wanted to see me and talk to me and be with me.

Attention is simply one of the worst reasons to get into a relationship. It's simply using someone because you need someone to always be there. It's filling a void in your life with another human being. And I am very much against it.

This is why I hate the feeling I have right now. It just sucks ass.

I was watching some TV show about women's bodies when I realized it. One of the most enlightening things I've ever discovered about myself.

I was fine with my body. In fact I didn't really pay any attention to it until I was in high school. It was just my shell, what I had. What I used to move around. I barely paid any attention to it. Until my classmates started noticing it.

They said I started growing tits faster than them. Even the boys from my co-ed elementary school didn't bother me much about it. I didn't even care if they snuck a peak at me once while I was changing. My all-girls high school classmates gave me a much harder time. My ass didn't really get enough attention until I reached high school.

I later realized that women are the first to judge when it comes to a woman's body. I've had other women delight that I'd gained weight. I've had other women delight that I had a fat ass. I've had other women judge me more than men did. Most of the time, men are just really grateful to have a woman around.

Come to think of it, women are the ones who enjoy judging. Particularly those who used to play. They like doing it most of all. Women really are more cruel than men. Men are generally more forgiving. As long as you don't insult their pride or their manhood, they'll generally leave you alone.

I was actually thinner before women started pointing out the flaws of my body. I also felt better about myself before I started listening to them. I'm guilty of it myself. I'm a self-confessed lookist. I really don't like unattractive or boring people. But then again, they may only be unattractive or boring to me.

Women, sometimes I judge them too. But mostly I just stay away from those that generally annoy me.

I now realize, who the fuck cares what all these assholes and bitches think? All this worry about the criticisms and the judging looks. Be free of them all. That is the ultimate freedom.

Yes I did watch it belatedly. I downloaded it as fast as I could, and I plan to download it after I'm done (still watching). I'm just really disturbed about Jordin Sparks. She seemed visibly agitated and even John Legend was visibly surprised.

Sure she feels passionately about those purity rings. If she wants to remain a virgin, she can do whatever the hell she wants to. But calling out people not wearing purity rings as sluts (which is, let's face it, exactly what her wording implies), is the kind of close-minded, stupid, stupid, black or white thing expected from the religious fundamentals. So she basically hurt her cause more than anything.

Must get the chance to use this line from Mark Millar's Wanted (the comic book not the movie):

Take it easy you little faggot. You really think I'm gonna lose the life support for that penis I been using lately?

And yes, it does perfectly describe the concern in fuck buddy relationships.

I recently told some dude trying to figure out how to dump a girl in the nicest way possible that he can always get out of it and be excused (in the long run) by using the emotions excuse. The explanation I gave him was that women responded to emotions, not logic.

Now, did I believe this? Yes. I am a woman after all. So I kinda know how these things work. Of course it is bad to generalize, but I do totally believe what I'm saying and it makes sense.

Women right now are told that they can do anything they set their minds too. And that is generally true. It came about from the women's liberation in the 80's. Now the field is supposed to be level. Everyone is equal. If you want it bad enough and work hard for it, you can get it.

The problem is that women tend to apply the same instinct when it comes to men. Not all women though, but in general. The things taught to us, that if we work hard enough, anything will work, doesn't apply to relationships or to men. Because men aren't really goals. They are, at best, thinking human beings with minds of their own. At worst, they're really just like dogs whose greatest achievement is not peeing on the rug (or not getting caught peeing on the rug).

The thing is, we have great instincts. I've noticed that. I think life would be much easier for me if I always follow my initial gut feeling about anything. It often is true. Around 80% of the time. This especially holds true for men. Ever felt that something was wrong? That things weren't right? That maybe you should just give up? That it really is a bad idea? Hell I always respond to these thoughts with the perpetual: But it could be really fun and turn into a cool fucking story.

Now, I've noticed that with most women, the problem is that war between the instincts and the logic. Most women know if the men they are with are dogs but they want to believe that they are not. Even when most obvious signs point to 'yes, this is fucked up', some, maybe even most, will still trudge along and try. Because trying is the best they can do. And we're taught that anything will work if you try hard enough.

A lot of the times the push-pull of emotions vs. logic overwhelm us so much. This often results in the mood swings, the flakiness, the uncertainty, the whole girly thing of 'convince me and I will do it'.

So why did I tell that guy to play the emotion card when dumping? Because women understand that pull of emotions. No matter what logical explanation you say to a woman, the pull of an emotional explanation is stronger. We know what it's like to feel something really deeply and be swayed by it despite all rational facts to the contrary.

I told the guy: If you dump her, she will hate you right now. There is no way to do that without pain. But for the least amount of pain, tell her things just happened. Speak in large ambiguous terms. Refer to destiny or the stars or how you feel. Spin it nicely. Somewhere down the line she will remember you as that guy who was just not meant to be, not that fucker who started fucking someone else.

I never thought that things going on in my personal life would ever affect my sex drive. In the past, it didn't really matter. I have fucked men while simultaneously cursing them. I have fucked during tough times. In times of need, when I had to scrounge for the cash to go anywhere (I never felt good traveling without at least some money), I would do anything in my power to get laid. If I was attracted to a man and we could have sex, I would.

Now everything's come to an abrupt halt. I like to think it's the phase in my life where I'd go for quality instead of quantity. But it isn't.

One night I ended up passing by a friend's house. I was just supposed to use the toilet since it was along my way home. I also wanted to go to a neutral place to wait for my next move since I was bouncing from venue to venue that night.

He made a pass at me. And I declined. Playfully and cheekily but I did turn down the offer. I think I wanted to. He isn't bad looking. He's kinda cute in a weird funusual (fun and unusual) way. He's a good lay. Why did I not fuck him?

Things are at a crossroads right now. My head space is fucked up. I am not thinking straight. All the ideas, priorities, emotions and events are clouding my brain. And I am thirsting for more social interaction and intellectual stimulation.

I have always been hungry for life, now I feel like life is trying to eat me whole. And that is distracting me to the point that I can't fuck. Fuck.

Why am I not horny?!?!? I haven't had sex in several several weeks and the urge is not there. Is this growing up? Is this focusing on work? That has never stopped me before. Has someone been slipping me sexual inhibitors in my water?! Have I been neutered/lobotomized in my sleep? Is this the effect of prolonged exposure to my laptop?!?!

What's wrong with me!?!?

Of course we've all probably met them. Those guys who have natural habitats and tactics. Those who can't venture beyond their circle where they are king and alpha male and leader of the tribe. Those who easily get threatened.

One such person is O. I've noticed that he tends to diminish the importance of rejections and play up his successes. He always has a reason, an excuse, why he can't get with a girl. And he always teases me that he already gave me 2 when I haven't been able to get him to score with any of my friends.

I let him forget how he detested the idea of me hooking up with his friends. How cold he was to me when V and I hooked up in his presence. How he tried to defuse the H bomb. And how confusing he became after I hooked up with both.

Instead I remind him that I have no control over my friends and neither does he. Though he let the things with V and H run their course, he didn't exactly help. So I just continue introducing him to friends. And I tell him to do his thing.

I refuse to believe he has no charisma because I have seen it at work a couple of times. But the times when he gets all fake and tries too hard is extremely difficult to watch. He literally goes down in flames because he just messes it all up. Now, I've been hearing evil things about him:

1. He has been setting up dinners/lunches/coffee with my friends telling them I'd be there. And he never tells me about them, I always hear about these things from my friends. Hello?! He had done this three times.
   
2. He has claimed he won't hook up with one of our common friends. We recently realized we both knew her and it was kinda weird how the world had gotten small. He mentioned that she seemed naughty, and I agreed while making it clear that she was completely unattractive to me. He claims that he won't yet he has apparently made the offers already. Dude! Never fuck down! If you're going to cheat on your gf, do it with someone hotter!
3. He had been setting up threesomes in my behalf without my knowledge. With the unattractive girl mentioned above.

Despite all the fuckery me and this guy has been up to, I do consider him a friend. So this depresses me when I think that someday I am going to have to throw down his ass because of his shenanigans. Well it doesn't depress me too much, not like it used to before. I guess I'm coming to terms he is a bit of a loser.

I've recently been reading on the Mystery Method. It's a method for pick up artists. And as my typical obsessive geeky behavior dictates, I started reading up on it as much as I can. I'm learning lots of new terms and styles that I can use to my advantage. I've also learned that men have been using parts of it on me with success for some time now.

Then a friend of mine gave my number, admittedly with my consent, to some dude. Some dude who's style of getting laid is to text me at odd hours and ask if I was busy, or if my mom was at home so he could come over. Now keep in mind that I had never met this man. He was a total stranger. I don't even know what he looks like.

I'd endured this for some time because it was a bit nice. And everyone knows I like having open options. But then it sounded a bit desperate when he stated, twice, that he was horny and that he wanted to go to my house. There were no offers of beer or even a pretense of anything but sex. And it perplexed me and disturbed me that he was willing to do this with someone he hadn't even met. It reeked of low value.

So after I called him out on his perviness I explained to him what I thought. That the game doesn't work that way. It's not simply fucking as many as you can; that makes you a whore. The game doesn't work that way. You don't reveal all your cards and evil intent immediately. If the prize is worth it, you play for it. Inch by inch and mile by mile you play for it cos its worth it.

It's not even that you want a relationship with this person. It's just that you want to fuck them more than once. Because they are worth keeping. Because they are worth it. Because they're hot and charming and funny. And what use is playing if it's not worth the prize.

Little newbie moron told me he didn't like playing games and he wanted it straight to the point. I told him I liked games cos it was more fun. I also told him he probably didn't think I was worth playing for cos he was rushing it. He said he knew I was which was why he offered, and that I was the one who turned him down. So maybe I thought he wasn't worth it. I said he didn't even give the game a chance to unfold and he rushed it. So I could never give him the fuck of his life.

Good riddance to a newbie.

I have been fielding a couple of offers recently. Weirdly enough I am already cooped up at home yet I have had men/guys/boys contact me, demanding immediate fuckery. What am I, freakin Jollibee? 24/7 Delivery?

I have received offers from, and turned down:

1. Cc - young boy of long ago, the offer was for immediate gratification. I offered and made shady plans knowing it might not push through.
   
2. Friend's bf - the sheer evil thought of it is tempting yet not enough.
3. Larry Flynt - not the larry flynt, but some dude I once had relations with. The moment was there, but for some reason I just wasn't feeling it.
4. Newbie - some dude who's supposedly a player but came off too overeager.
5. another O friend (AOF) - a possible part of the playlist yet something I'm not willing to gamble on.
6. Kk - some call center dude who I may or may not fuck but I am not actively pursuing

Now this is weird. Am I actively going on hiatus? Is stress getting to me? Is Ts right and I'm looking for something more ...Or is Mc right and this is a sign that the end is near and we all have to repent?

Having sexual relations with someone for a prolonged period of time can bring about a sense of companionship. There are some things that are said in bed. Certain things are confided while cuddling together on a bed in an air conditioned room. Talking before and in between rounds can bring about an idea of camaraderie. A false idea.

There is a reason why two people are fuck buddies and not friends or dating or anything other than just mere lovers. This is because while you are comfortable with sharing the sexual and physical aspect of your lives, there are still certain restrictions when it comes to your lives.

So yes, I may like to believe that my FB will be there for me and that I will be there for him. But essentially, when push comes to shove, you just don't want or expect any friendship from fuck buddies. Sure an occasional "hi, hello, how are you doing?" is expected. But anything heavier than that is harder.

Most people know that my extended affair with H has led to several misconceptions and massive heartache (boo-hoo!). But now, I'm coming to terms with the fact that much as I want to believe we are friends, we are merely two people who like to fuck each other.

Sure I like listening to his problems. And yes, when he is available, he listens to mine (but I really would rather not tell him come to think of it). In spite of all this, when push comes to shove, we are merely periphery characters in each others lives. Neither essential to the other. And no, it's not anyone's fault or anyone's choice really. It is merely because that's the way things are.

So in this time of his life when I would like to comfort him the best I can, I content myself with sending 2 SMS messages expressing my concern. Much as I would like to do more, I am satisfied that he knows I will be exactly where I am if he wants/needs me. Those two and the fact that I am a bit busy these days.

Dear Ex-Lover,

I remembered your nipples today. I was watching a movie where a young, slender man ran his hand across his chest. I saw his fingers linger over his nipples. And I remembered you. Or precisely your nipples.

Your boyish frame which reminded me of a pre-pubescent girl's. Your narrow chest which really didn't appeal to me. Your cute sensitive little nipples that always made little peaks when I suck them. It was amazing how I'd become accustomed to you, even though I initially wanted to fuck you because I wanted to desecrate something which looked so innocent.

I remembered nibbling on your nipples. And sucking on them. And you mimicking me on the phone, telling me you were pinching them. Reminding me of how I always told you I liked playing with my own nipples whenever I masturbate.

Oh yes. I remember your nipples.

Someone please tell me where I can download this song. Please... This is really old and I only heard it on the radio once. But it's a good song.

i'm a slut
that's why you love me
that's why you hate me too
i'm a slut
that's why you love me
that's why you hate me too

open my heart
open my mouth up and here you are
under my wings
up in an attic that's all the way dark

the actual sound
and then this dirty ring
close your eyes and you don't hear a thing
if you cover my mouth i will cover your mouth
close your eyes and we'll cover our mouths

i'm a slut
that's why you love me
that's why you hate me too
i'm a slut
that's why you love me
that's why you hate me too
http://www.free-lyrics.org/12216-Howlin-Maggie.html

when you needed someone
i didn't ask questions
but it ain't gonna be here to leave
when it's all done

wet little fingers
wet little eyes in love with everything
don't look so sad now
none of that baby love is wasted on me

you blushed real little innocent thing
talk so fine you really should sing
when you turn your hokey pokey doll act for me
if it don't hit your head then your heart don't agree

i'm a slut
that's why you love me
that's why you hate me too
i'm a slut
that's why you love me
that's why you hate me too

i'm a slut
that's why you love me
that's why you hate me too
i'm a slut
that's why you love me
that's why you hate me too

i'm a slut
that's why you love me
that's why you hate me too
i'm a slut
that's why you love me
that's why you hate me too

I have a definite thing for the Dune TV miniseries. I liked the first one so much I bought original VCDs (this was the time when DVDs were 500 bucks). Then, the continuation of the series spawned a hotter lead: meet Leto Atreides II, played by a younger thinner James McAvoy. The Children of the Dune series were released in 2003 and probably shot at least a year prior.

This was way before McAvoy's recent turn in Wanted. I've been watching James for some time, and I first found him extremely charming in Penelope.

The pictures attached are some, admittedly, crappy screen shots of the Children of Dune. It's sci-fi heaven and I have every intention of reading the books that inspired the series. I adore James McAvoy in Penelope and sympathized with his plight in Wanted and last King of Scotland (for being a total horndog). But in the Children of Dune, I simply want to fuck him as Leto Atreides II.

That third photo from the top is of a shirtless James running his hand over his nipple. Yep. He ran his hand over his nipple. And the deluge of memories come tumbling down of other men and other hands and other nipples. I just wasnt to take Leto's nipple in my mouth. I just want his hand on my nipple.

This is a geek's fantasy. To meet and fuck a fictional character they are getting totally wet for. That myschievous grin of his, the blue fremen eyes, the speed, even the worm scales (they're not actually worms, just watch the series and research)...Leto is an heir and he is so fucking hot. And he has a totally hot incestous bond with his qually hot fraternal twin named Ghanima.

Oh Goooood....

In the midst of this weird fluctuating weight issue due to an insane work schedule I am suddenly craving meat. And yes, my mother thought it best to indulge me by buying me my favorite meat in a bun meal: JolliHotdog. Yes I'm one of those who grew up on Jollibee fast food.

Now I'm a bit concerned as I really don't have much time to do any sort of physical activity. I am still trying to work out my schedule and routine for this whole business. And yep I get one of those days when I begin to doubt every flattering thing that has been ever said about me.

I realize that I need to first accept and love who I am before I can change. And I come up with this mantra:

I am a hot, beautiful, smart, fuckable woman.
Anybody would be lucky to get into my pants.
Everyone wants to fuck me.
I am hot.
And fuckable.
There is nothing I can't do.
There is no one I can't do.
I am extremely fuckable.

And I vow to learn this to live it to love it. Because confidence works. And attitude works. And everything else will follow.

And yes, because I am totally fuckable.

There's an asteroid we want to add to our orbit. Nice girl. Cool. Laid-back. Cute. Emphasis back on nice girl. As in really nice. Read as we met her parents the first time we ever asked her to hang out and drink with us. She doesn't seem particularly smart but she looks like she can be groomed to follow in, eherm, our footsteps. The corruptible kind of girl.

You know the type. Looks cute, but not that striking. Charming kind of, easy to talk to, easy to get along with, minimal expectations. The kind you want to take under your wing and teach things to. Then do things to. Ti-hee.

Corruptible girl. We have things planned for you.

I've never been good at turning it off. O was a master at that. One minute I could be sucking his cock in the rest room, the next he could be coolly working in his desk without a thought about the fact I was blowing him moments before.

MMG (My Moral Guardian) told me recently (upon prompting) that to him sex didn't matter, it wasn't important, which is why he was able to remain celibate and chaste for long periods of time. He didn't go looking for it. I told him, "what if you don't go looking for it? But the opportunity always presents itself?" He responded that I still wanted sex. And this lead to a whole other conversation where I admitted to loving sex and seeking his affirmation that this didn't make me an evil nymphomaniac. MMG relented that it didn't make me pure evil that I should just take responsibility for my actions and not run whining to them if something bad happens to me because of my adventures. And, well, I never really have.

Getting turned on easily has always been a trait of mine. Even as a younger person, I would be reading some silly book and I'd get turned on (incidentally, the story of how I first learned to masturbate at around 12). The only problem is turning it off. When you're unbelievably horny and release is nowhere near, what the fuck do you do?

Well, I save it til it counts. Then when I do have sex there's just this insane energy that gets tapped into. But it always took me some time before I could quench the heat flowing through my veins. Worth it though. The prolonged and delayed release. The eventual orgasm. Priceless.

I miss my stupid weekends. I miss my other stupid old friends. I miss the laid-back non-sexual pass times I had. I miss the non-complicated life I once had before TEL (The Evil Lives) was born. sure I wasn't getting laid then. Of course I stayed in more and only went out to meet up the boys I hung out with and I was always stressed from the job I had. But it was phenomenally less complicated.

I guess we always want what we can't have. Now that the whole fucking thing has been turned on, it's on. Old playing instincts are back and I got used to having numbers to call when the urge came. I got back into the mode of flirting. I got back the hunter instinct. Then I lost it again then I got it again then I just got really really horny all the time.

And I still miss my stupid weekends.

People like spouting the word karma. I guess because it's such a convenient reason to give when you're being asked why you're not doing something which feels great but is potentially evil. The word's been used several times by people who are seeking a sort of schadenfreude (happiness at the misery of others) in exchange for the hurt a specific person has caused them.

It's now come to light that a person orbiting the periphery of The Evil Lives (JG and Bv) has been dealt with some mighty smiting karma. And yes schadenfreude can be heard in the clickity-clack of my keyboard.

This stone in orbit fancies itself as a bright gleaming star shot across the heavens on some mythological arrow of hotness. I guess it didn't get the memo shooting stars are just rocks falling down really really fast.

Stone has made things strained between everyone for some time now. It was the one who decided friendships should be terminated because it felt uncomfortable. It also made the decision that one-half of TEL (The Evil Lives) is an evil twat and that the other is basically an interloper who must not be trusted. This despite the fact that TEL has done their best to be as nice to her as possible. Oh, and where does all this TEL hate stem from? A boy. A little twerp of a boy.

Twerp has what we unanimously yet ambiguously define as a Loser Vibe. Yep, he reeks of Loser scent. Which basically smells like Axe, midnight tears, dried semen (from masturbation) and stale ciggies. Stone is totally into Twerp, and it has stated it's belief that Twerp is totally into her too.

Now, it has come to light that Twerp is actually into and fucking someone else. And this TEL knows but will never (tee-hee) come right out and tell Stone. We find it funny because Stone made things strained with TEL despite our efforts to reach out. And Stone is overly protective of Twerp at TEL's expense. I guess in time she'll find out for herself. If the Twerp ever gets around to telling her that she's been dumped.

I feel bad for her, sort of. But man, chick before dick baby. Never let it be the other way around.

I've never felt like the hot girl. I always felt I just got laid because I was a) lucky, b) willing and c) quite good at it. I've mentioned several times that I never felt comfortable making the first move and that meeting men in bars and clubs was never my forte.

I was asking a friend recently about this and he almost laughed when I told him I was shy. I had asked him for tips for playing, something I never really got into. I'm not like some other men I know who enjoy actual mind-fucks and getting-to-know-you games I'd really rather just get down to sex if that was all I really wanted. The guy I asked was the definite man. One of the great Chick Whisperers of this generation.

Anyway, after he simmered down and realized I was serious when I said I was bashful about talking to a man, he started consoling me. He said that I had Den men lined up at one time and they all wanted to fuck me. I told him I never really thought that was a big fucking deal. Because come on, they hang out at Den! One of the most notoriously comforting meat markets ever. It was such a meat market that friends I brought there never got comfortable because they always thought everyone there wanted to fuck someone. And yeah my going there to meet up with hook-ups may not have helped the reputation of the place as a laid back bar.

Then my friend the Great White Hype told me I was hot. And there were women that most Den men, including him, didn't even bother talking to.

But how do I measure fuckability? Sure it's a little evil and backward to measure self-worth by how much attention you get from other people, but come on. I like being told I'm attractive and fuckable and hot. Sometimes it seems that I learn to love my body more from the attention I get from men. It's so politically incorrect but I can't help it. I like being appreciated. And I appreciate them back. Most of the time with my mouth.

So how do we measure fuckability? Is it a matter of how many people you have to turn down becuase of your standards? Cos that would mean there are some men (or at least one) hotter than me. Is it a matter of how many people you get to fuck? Is it how many people want to fuck you? Is it simply a state of mind?

I've been told alternately that I look like a girl who enjoys sex, a nice girl, the ultimate girl next door and a girl with intriguing lips (they're kinda pouty). So does it matter why I'm fuckable? as long as I am? Is being fuckable equated with being hot? Well yeah I think fuckable = hot given that the ones who want to fuck you are equally hot. So is that what I think fuckable is? A measure of how many other hot people want to fuck you?

Wait, does this even matter? Let's just fuck!

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I always thought he was just, you know, a selfless lover. I always thought it was part of his M.O. I had believed it was part of his nature to make sure I always came first, noisily and wetly, against his thrusting, curling fingers. The first time we had sex, I came so much, he marveled at how wet his hand had become.

He always received praise from me. Not face to face though. Always when he was gone, and to anyone who asked. He was not a particularly pretty boy. He did have a nice body. And a latent penchant for sadomasochism and domination that I particularly enjoyed. He was not particularly large in the penis department, but could be very very talented. Simply put, he has great potential.

Until it came to light that it was not patience nor a sense of guilt at cheating on his girlfriend. It was apparently merely Erectile Dysfunction. Ry seems to be a 22 year old with an erectile dysfunction problem.

Now how do I solve that? Despite me being happy with being finger fucked to orgasm, I would someday like to teach him some new actual sex tricks. Any suggestions?

Fucking friends is something I sort of like doing. By fucking friends, I don't mean friends who I fuck or people I have sexual relations with. By fucking friends, I mean I fuck guys who happen to be friends. And yeah, I kind of get off on it.

This has happened twice recently. Once with the Den boys and the other with the Little Boys. I fucked 3 out of the 4 main boys of Den. With the Little Boys, evil Bv claims the break up of the friendship was my fault. I mean, I did fuck Ry first, then made a point of groping him as much as I could. Then I tried Cc, the younger one and he enjoyed groping me as often as he could. This apparently caused a rift in the friendship. Though I'm not sure if it was because of me sleeping with Cc or Cc flaunting it or both of them being afraid because they knew each other's girlfriends.

With the boys of Den, the choice was particularly easy and unecessary. In the beginning, I was fooling around with O, then he introduced me to his friend H, then his friend V. In that scenario I didn't really have to choose. O was in a relationship. V fucked me one last time after seeing me on a date with H then he got into a relationship. About a month after I stopped dating him, H went back to his ex.

O always maintained that he didn't want to actually all-the-way sleep with me because I might end up with one of his friends, and he'd have to go away because of it. We never really stopped fooling around though, but things did get a bit distant when I was seeing H. I guess cos he saw how into H I was.

I had thought the amusing chatter we have might eventually turn into a fuck frenzy. Repressed emotions and all that. He did consistently bug me for a hook up, but it all ended pretty abruptly. The funny amusing late night chats ended. The answer came way later. He'd figured out I was seeing H again. Sucks.

We're facing each other in bed. He starts sucking on my nipples. And he gets instantly hard. I grab his cock to play with it. He pulls away briefly from my tits to say, "Yes, that's how much I like your boobs."

He dives back in. And continues to nibble and suck. His hand goes down to my pussy, he starts playing with it. Then he thrusts his finger inside. I lie on my back and grind against his hand. I tilt my pelvis up to meet it. He leans on one elbow to watch me. I gasp and moan and come hard.

"I love watching you come," he whispers in my ear. And then he starts doing it again.

Over time, I've discovered that cheating is a touchy subject to discuss with men. I have helped several of them cheat for some time and have probably had some cheat on me too. But the cheating rules some men live by are still confusing for me. And no one can seem to explain them to me.

1. Sex isn't cheating because there are no feelings involved.
2. Getting a blowjob isn't cheating.
3. Finger fucking a girl so you can relive it later in your masturbatory fantasies isn't cheating.
4. If you don't kiss a girl it isn't cheating.
5. If it's someone you were sleeping with before you and your girlfriend became a couple it isn't cheating.
6. If the girl asks for it it isn't your fault and you aren't cheating, you are just weak.
7. As long as your partner doesn't find out, it isn't cheating.
8. Never go down on a fling, cunnilingus is reserved for your partner.
9. Having sexually explicit conversations on ym or text is ok as long as you don't act on it and you just fantasize about it.
10. If you only do it once in a while, it isn't cheating.

If there's anyone there who can explain to me how any of this constitutes not cheating, please let me know. Or, maybe it's a mater of, "it's not my fault, I'm only human."

In any case, I still don't get it. But I might adopt these at a later point in life. Hehe.

"I can't," he said.

"Why?" I asked eventhough I knew the answer. His girlfriend and his conscience.

But as I lay down on the bed, he pulled up my shirt and bra and fondled my tits. He put his hand on my pussy through my pants and panties and started fondling me there. "This is what you want right?"

He started pinching my nipples. "If you can describe how this feels, I'll put my hand inside." All I could do was moan. I hit him in the head with one of my toys when he started getting too rough.

"Enough, leave me, go back downstairs." But he wouldn't let go.

"Describe it come on, all I can hear is 'fuck'. I thought you were a writer."

"You're gonna say I forced you again." I teased him. Despite me being hot and him being not, he maintains that he always gives in cos I force him to.

He grins and nods. "Do you really want to?"

I nod.

"This is the most I can do." He slides his hands under my pants and inside my undies. His fingers slide inside my pussy. I gasp and arch my back. "Take your clothes off," he says.

I untie the drawstring to my pants. Before I could push them off, his fingers start curling inside me. They thrust in and out. I keep myself from moaning so we wouldn't get caught.

"I said take them off, not untie the drawstring." I push my panties and pants off. He moves so he can watch his fingers slide in and out of me. He leans to suck on my nipple. His other hand is fondling my other tit.

He leans back again to watch me writhe on the bed. His fingers push inside me. His other hand roams on my tits, my stomach, my waist. I look to see him watching how my pussy lips pull on his fingers as he pulls them out and thrusts them back inside. I'm matching his thrusts, pushing my pelvis up, grinding on his fingers.

"Move," he says. He wants to watch me come.

From the same artist that gave you this song.

So there's ..
There's a reason that you're in my head
And there's a good reason why you're in my bed
'Cos there's a reason now that you're my girl
There's a reason that ... you ... rock .. my ... world
You rock my world
You rock my world

'cause you're dirty
But you got a good heart
D-D-D-Dirty
But you're not a (cheap tart)
Yeah, you're dirty
But you got a good heart
D-D-D-Dirty
But you're not a (cheap tart)

There's a reason why you're in my head
There's a very good reason why you're in my bed
Ooo, there's a reason now that you're my girl
There's a reason why you rock my world
Cos you're dirty
But you got a good heart
D-D-D-Dirty
But you're not a (cheap tart)

There's a reason why you're in my head
There's a good reason why you're in my bed
There's a reason now that you're my girl
There's a reason why you rock my world

You rock my world
You rock my world
Because you're dirty
But you got a good heart
D-D-D-Dirty
But you're not a (cheap tart)
Yeah
x2

In one of our little PPFH (Playa Playa From the Himalaya) projects, we decided to create the Player's Code. It contains a list of rules for players to use. One of the things I contributed to that list is " There are no taboos". Of course with the silently appended "unless you find them icky".

That comes to mind now in lieu of recent events. What is the bond exactly between common friends? If the boyfriend of your close friend's best friend wants to sleep with you, would you? The girl in question is nice, though we haven't seen each other in a while. Come to think of it, I think she still owes me some cash. We weren't that close since we didn't get to hang out a lot.

The guy is semi-cute, younger, and seems very eager to fuck. I think he's in one of those, "I'm really really horny so I'll check the nearest available woman I can fuck." I'm not sure if I wanna fuck him though. But I do want to play.

There are no taboos.

So this is Dasha Astafieva. She's a Russian model/reality star. The buzz on the interwebs is that she's someone Hugh Hefner is screwing. I don't really watch Girls Next Door so I have no idea what the deal is with her and the rest of Hef's girlfriends.









I do sort of prefer her over the others. Holly, Bridget and Kendra always seemed fake to me. But I do like the fact they were able to make fun of themselves for the Rockstar video. Assuming they realized the song was sarcastic and inside-out. If anyone explained it to them that is.

They kinda look fake and generic compared to the exotic looking Dasha above.

Text if you’re feeling sexy
Beep if you wanna sleep
Me I’m a little hungry
Trying to count my sheep

Text if you wanna sex me
Beep if you’d rather sleep
Buzz if you wanna get drinks
Call if you wanna sleep

I’ve been trying to sleep
But to no avail
I look out the window
I see a killer whale

I’ve been trying to eat
But I could not decide
If I want some bacon
With scrambled eggs on the side

Text if you’re feeling sexy
Beep if you wanna sleep
Me I’m a little hungry
Trying to count my sheep

Text if you wanna sex me
Beep if you’d rather sleep
Buzz if you wanna get drinks
Call if you wanna sleep

I’ve been trying to walk
But I sprained my knee
I hurt it down at the park
On a skating spree

I’ve been trying to talk
But you would never listen
If you change your mind
You’l find me in the kitchen
cookin

Text if you’re feeling sexy
Beep if you wanna sleep
Me I’m a little hungry
Trying to count my sheep

Text if you wanna sex me
Beep if you’d rather sleep
Buzz if you wanna get drinks
Call if you wanna sleep

A condom company has come up with some Olympic themed ads. Check out the rest at InventorSpot. I'm not that impressed, but they are kinda cute. Though I don't support playing with condoms too much.

I find it remarkably weird when my friends ask me for relationship advice. This despite the fact I have not ever had a long-term exclusive relationship. It perplexes me when they seek my advice. Is it because I think like a man? Is it because I have so many male friends? Is it because I sleep with a lot of men?

Sex questions yes I understand and can generally answer. I've been answering them since high school.

When I started fooling around with a 24 year old man at the tender age of 14 I held some sway over classmates. I knew what I was writing about when I wrote sex scenes. I knew what I was doing when I wrote of kissing and touching and stroking. At 16 I had done everything except for getting my cherry popped.

By 17 my friends were asking me for advice. Up to now I'd get calls or text messages from people I haven't seen in ages asking me about morning after pills and sex during menstruation. And yes I'm the kind of girl who knows about those things.

I find it advisable that each group of friends has a character like me. It helps them grow. The things I've learned are for everyone's benefit. Every new thing I learn I share. The good. The bad. The tales of caution. I am like the database for everyone's use. I have the knowledge and wish to impart it.

So as a one-time offer, here are the things I've learned:

1) It is possible to have sex during the girl's period. The level of ickiness depends on the girl's flow and her partner's tolerance. It is advisable to shower before and after and have the girl on top to minimize stains. Or just have sex standing up.

2) Morning after pills are so far not widely available in this country. A birth control pill called Micropil can be purchased over the counter at drugstores. To use this as emergency contraceptives the girl can take 4 pills then another 4 after 12 hours. Then stop. This one cycle of medicine taking can be effective up to 3 days after the incident. This is ONLY for emergencies. It is not advisable to keep doing this as it messes up the girl's cycle. It causes a surge of estrogen. It is best to just go on the pill or use a condom. This can also mess with the hormones of the girl.

3) Size matters but technique matters more. A big battering ram can hurt if all it doesn't move properly.

4) A good kiss matters. Do it properly. use your whole mouth, tongue, lips and teeth to pleasure the other person. Don't keep your hands dead, move them, hold the other person.

5) Be as unique as you can. Perfect and learn your own moves. Stop reading stupid tips from magazines and start practicing.

6) Learn to MASTURBATE. This is very important step in developing as a sexual person and no one should be ashamed of it. Or ok, be ashamed of it, lie about not doing it, but just freaking do it already. This will make you better. I swear.

I want a sex scene like the one in Fight Club. All blurry and intense. Probably need some drugs to achieve that. And a man who can fuck as hard as Tyler Durden. And I need to sport fuck as much as Marla Singer.

Since the Philippines is the texting capital of the world, I have regularly used it to my advantage.

It's easy and casual. There's no obligation to reply, but if you craft your messages well enough, or if the other person wants you enough, you'll get a response. Here are some of my favorite lines:

"Can you come out and play?" (best said with the name instead of you, more playful)

"Need any distractions?" (thrown in innocently in a casual conversation and it sounds immediately erotic, I was thinking about loaning the man books or dvds though)

"Can you take me home?"

"You wanna?"

"I'm feeling frisky, where are you?"

"I want you now."

"Baby, watcha doin..."

Or you can use quotes from a book or a movie that catches attention. This just serves to establish your uniqueness.

Of course this is all different from Sex on Text, which simulates fucking by SMS. But the joys of flirting on text...aaah...those are priceless.

I am an avid texter, and the best move is absconding from SMS for a period of time. After about a week or two you suddenly pop out of the blue with a short, witty, compelling message. Even if they don't reply, you're bound to be pretty sure they're thinking of you. You can revel in some blue balls or someone's masturbatory fantasies.

Ever have one of those mornings? When you just wake up and realize your nipples are perky and you would want nothing more than to have someone fuck you? Well yes this is one of those mornings.

It's weird when these days happen. They don't particularly happen often. It doesn't matter when I last had sex or what I wanted. There isn't actually anything that could trigger this. My libido had been dormant for a while, due to other things I had to do. Responsibilities and such.

But then I wake up, all tingly, feeling all frisky.

Like today.

It was one of those little event things, often caused by someone's birthday party. Those places were alcohol is free and you're suddenly super thirsty. One of those times when you don't know a lot of people and tend to cling to the ones you do know. Particularly when you don't feel like speaking to the rest of the group. In this case, it's also a party where a pool is easily available and drinks and cigarettes are allowed poolside.

So lying there being slightly conscious in a swimsuit and still reveling in the feeling of being submerged in water. Then this guy arrives. Speedfucker. We've been hanging out mostly due to the groups and places we go to. He's seen me hooking up with two other men while he was there. He has persistently asked if I wanted to get together again. He has repeatedly expressed a desire to fuck again. And I have responded with silence and a smile.

Oh I enjoy hanging out with him once in a while. It always makes me hot being around someone who wants to fuck me, even if I want nothing to do with them. Makes me feel sexy. But I really don't want to fuck him again, even if I get really really horny.

Then he spoke:

Speedfucker (Sf): J, no matter what, I have no regrets about what happened between us."

J: Damn right you shouldn't. I have a rep.

Sf: Yes you do.

And yes. I do. Satisfaction guaranteed. Too bad he doesn't have that same guarantee.

I recently stumbled upon Durex's Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey (which has zero data on the Philippines amongst others). The findings is about the average number of sex partners people all over the world have had.

It worried me a bit when I realized that I have had more than 4 times the average number for heterosexual women. Then again I realized that most of the men I know here are above average in that aspect as well. I know of men who stopped counting (but didn't stop fucking) at 100. So yeah, they definitely should have added the Philippines.

What the hell is up with these surgeries? There are reports that designer vaginas are becoming all the rage in Australia and New Zealand. I know men were supposed to get penile impants because they were insecure about size. Now women are having their vaginas restructured, mimicking virginity and having the entire thing rejuvinated and restored.

Is it vanity? Are we now going to join our vaginas in beauty contests? Are we going to post pictures of our genitals on social networks so we can get dates? Is that the primary thing partners now ask? Not "what you do", "where you're from" but "is your vulva perfectly symmetrical"?

Age old adage: Size does matter. And yes, I agree it does. I am partial to a particularly well-hung lover because, honestly, he's fucking huge. That and he knows what to do with it. There's just something about an experienced, pulsing, big hunk of meat that turns me on. It hits just the right spot. I also like the way his penis looks.

I may not be in the league of Cynthia Plastercaster, but I do like nice looking cocks. I've had a couple of notable mentions.

When I was younger, I was a little afraid of looking at dicks. It was a little scary, particularly with one night stands and one-time lovers. I always thought the unimportant fucks probably didn't have dicks worth looking at. The boyfriends I had were exceptions. Then I met some really good lovers. Then I couldn't stop looking at their cocks.

Sometimes while they slept I'd just run my hand over it absentmindedly. If it suddenly pulsed or jumped in my hand I always smiled. I think this cock fetish started a little later, when I started getting more experience and I had more time to look at it, observe it and see it, in its natural habitat. Like seeing an animal at rest.

The first notable penis I ever saw was from my ex N. It wasn't a real relationship. He was gym instructor and indulged my smoking after working out (which is very very bad). He also started fucking me about a month before I turned 18. He had one of the prettiest penises I have ever seen. Right size for someone barely divirginized (he was my third time, I consider the first 2 my divirginizations). He was around 6-5 inches long, but thick. The most exciting part was that he had a perfect mushroom-shaped head. I remembered doodling the shape of his penis in class.

After N, I have met about 3 or 4 pretty penises. These are penises that have that helmet head and the thick shaft. I didn't like cocks that were too round, I liked shafts with a bit of an elliptical circumference. I wanted them a little flat and wide. They're be perfect to suck on, fits in my mouth perfectly.

I'm not a fan of torpedo dicks. Those guys with the heads a little small and shaft a little thicker. A perfectly circular circumference. Those things are nice, still penises, but I don't adore them. Cocks that are too veiny, too hairy, hidden in tons of hair...those basically suck. And not as fun to suck on.

Notable cocks? Pretty ones? H, N, X, V, Ak, O. It doesn't mean they're particularly good in bed (although I don't think it's a coincidence that some of my favorite lovers make the list), it just means their penises have the shape I like. Mushroom head, thick wide shaft. Perfect.

Sometimes all we really need is a good fucking wank. I mean masturbating. It's part of the ritual. The sex first. The part which is amazing. Then the reminiscing about it. And then the masturbating over it. The other part which is equally as amazing.

It's not that the sex isn't enough, or that I can't get laid. Right now, off the top of my head, there are about 6 numbers I can call to set a sex date, some of them may even run to meet me at this late hour. I just love to masturbate.

There's just something intensely personal about it. I have masturbated in front of other people though. While that's an immensely arousing and satisfying experience, I have to say I still love just plain masturbating.

There's a control in it. A heat that comes just from me. My pussy. My fingers. My clit. My hole. It's all about me. And that's the person I love the most.

I have more orgasms from masturbating than from sex. But it all happens very quickly. I can get about four or five massive ones just from me touching myself. And it happens in less than an hour.

It takes me longer with a partner. I don't know why. It just happens that way. Sometimes I think that I fuck just so I have more fodder for my masturbation. All sexual experiences stored away in a part of my brain. Little mpeg bits that I use and rehash when I fuck myself.

I love having sex. I adore most of the partners I've had recently. Well except for the speedfucker. They can get me off, some better and faster than others. But me, fucking myself with my own fingers? Like a timed rocket.

He asks me "I have a question. I've seen you naked. I like your body. Why are you walking around with a sheet?"

And I was. I realized, damn right he does like my body. In fact he loves fucking me. So why was I walking around with a sheet? I gave my first excuse, "I'm cold." 

"Okay," he says. 

Then I tell him, "I'm shy."

"I understand."

After that, I stopped walking around with a sheet.

One of the main differences between men and women, I believe, is their motive. There are long standing jokes about women after a date wherein they dissect everything and men just think in plain terms, and half the time don't even know if there's a problem.

I'm bringing this up now beause, well, I'm trying to figure out something. Which is bad. Why? Well because if you are it means either something isn't working or something is working too well. 

Situation: A man has turned me down. I wanted to have sex and he did not. The reasons he gave are the following:

1. He knows I'm really a nice girl and I'm just drunk.
2. We have certain common friends (who he probably doesn't want to know about a tryst because he may be trying to fuck some of them).
3. He has to maintain his creative flow because he has to write.
4. He sees something more in me and he thinks we can be friends (the first part of this made my eyes pop a little).

Just the fact that there are several entries in the list above already made me confused what the deal was. I have evidence that this man is interested in me:

1. He held my hand and kissed it.
2. He asked for my number.
3. He started the flirting with his body language. 
4. He initiated the first time we kissed (I was going to kiss him on the cheek but he turned his head so it landed on his lips and I was like, ok.)
5. He has kissed me again. 
6. And yes, I am gonna say it, I see it in his eyes. 

And granted, yes, the man is not hot. Well, his face looks ordinary enough but his body is kind of bear-ish in the old way I liked (taller than me and meaty. reference: V, X). And he is quite funny yet not as charming as some of the guys I've met (read:H and others), we have a lot in common and we can be good friends. But honestly, I just really wanted to fuck this one. And he turned me down. Which has NEVER happened to me before.

So we get drunk and I crash and I force him (very easily) to sleep in the same bed. I'm down to my knickers and he's got on shorts and a shirt. We groped, I went down on him a little, I masturbated (and came) 2x and he fondled my tits and put his fingers inside me. There was one time he was even jacking off behind me as we were spooning and he was slapping his cock against me. Most of that was my fault, but he initiated some too and he wasn't stoppind me too hard. Here are some of the lines he uttered during the night:

"It's not you. You're really really hot. " (uttered 10 times to which I always replied, "uh yeah"

"You must think I'm stupid." (often uttered after the line above to which I would again answer, "uh yeah.)

"You have a nice ass. I thought that when I met you, that you have nicely shaped hips."

"Listen do you wanna just go running with me tomorrow?"

"Why did you stop sucking me?" (I replied, cos you're not gonna fuck me anyway.)

"Why me, you can have any man you wanted. I bet you can get another man in 20 minutes."

 "Do you want to wake up and have a guy open your mouth like this (he presses my cheeks and opens my lips) and have him come inside your mouth?" (I told him it depends if we've already had sex)

"God you are so wet."

"Most women would be grateful..." (I'm assuming he means that they've been respected. I didn't want respect that night. I just wanted to fuck.)

If that isn't ocnfusing then I don't know what is. Two main points have been raised that may explain why things happened. One is that he really really wants to fuckour common friend and another is that it was a style. If it was the former, well, not sleeping with me will not ruin his chances and I guess the groping wouldn't work in his favor either. The funny thing is, I have no plans of telling our common friend. We're not as close as we appear to be. If it's the former, I guess it could work if I really really wanted to sleep with him. But nooow...not really... 

But I do agree with him. I am really really hot.

Hitting it. Soon. I think I may already have. Hating so many things. Hating so many people. Things and people that are (seemingly) a part of my life. Getting wasted doesn't seem like such a good idea. I don't trust people. I don't trust myself. I don't even what to fuck.

here are several signs of depression. One of it being not wanting to have sex. But then again I can still sleep. I can still eat. I can still masturbate. But fuck if I don't want to destroy everything in my life. Leave everyone I know. Shit on everything I own. Destroy things. Hurt people. Just completely remove them from my life.

Every time I got this urge I turned it toward things that may not have been the best idea for me. Ate everything I could lay my hands on. Or fuck everything that moved within my line of sight. Once I got so focused on not eating I lost 31 lbs. in 2 - 3 months. Because I stopped eating.

Now? What do I do now?

Abandon all the things I've worked on? Abandon the relationships I've built? I know where it comes from now. Hate. Self-hate. I'd always vowed I'd try to channel these destructive urges towards things that are good for me.

So here. I vow. To go on a purge. To purge myself. Of food. Of sex. Of friends. Of material things.

I'm sick of people thinking they know me. I'm sick of people I don't trust. I'm sick of people who want to fuck me, or who want me to do something, or who think I'll always go along with what they want. I'm sick of other people's problems. I'm sick of all this fucking shit.

Yes. I hate them. I hate me. I hate my life. And it's time to stop thinking about what else I could be doing, or why I'm not doing what I could actually be doing. An emotional enema. To remove all emotions. To stop feeling at ease with all these fuckers I can't trust.

Lines are blurred. People are uncaring. Life is shit. There are so many problems. And yet people tell me I need to do this for them when they have barely done anything for me.

Fuck harmony. Fuck peace. I don't want any of those. I don't want boring shit anymore. I need something else. I will stop listening to people who only think they know me or what I want or what I need or what I feel. How dare they? They are assholes.

And no this isn't period related. This is not related to jealousy or stupidity or lack of sex. It's me. And all the goddamn things around me. And all the people around me. I don't want this life. I want a new one. And despite all the times I've been whining and shit about this situation I will actually, no fucking around seriously, do something about it now.

A life. A life I want. Let the great purging experiment begin.

Scenes from past exploits keep flashing through my brain lately. 3 weeks without sex can do this to a woman. A woman on her period no less. One who just has to compensate by masturbating (yes women can masturbate, even on their period).

Me on lying on my stomach. Him on top of me, his cock moving in and out of my pussy. His hands pressing mine against the bed. I'm screaming, moaning loudly as he keeps fucking me with his huge cock. He bites me on my shoulder. Hard. I scream harder. He grabs my hair and pull my face closer to his for a brutal kiss.

Me sitting in front of a computer. Him suddenly standing behind me. His hands suddenly reach for my tits. He massages them, squeezes the nipple. As I open my mouth to moan he kisses me. Upside down, spiderman style.

Me on the phone, my hands on my pussy. Him a couple of thousand miles away listening to me moan. I press my face against the pillow to stifle the sounds I make. But I keep the phone close so he can hear.

Him a couple of thousand of miles away. On the phone. In the bathroom. Masturbating. I can hear him come. 15 minutes later he goes back inside the bathroom much to his family's surprise and confusion. I keep him masturbating for me.

In church, at mass, in the times I went to mass. Him far away, sending me evil text messages as I pretend to listen to the priest. Me squeezing my legs together as my mother tells me to pay attention.

My nipples hard at a talk. I am wearing a white blouse and someone is sending sex thoughts my way.

Him on top of me, fucking me. That dirty smirk on his face after he knows I've already come several times. He keeps thrusting his big fat cock inside me. Watching my face.

Me riding him. The first time we had sex. I'm close to having a massive orgasm. He asks, "are you coming?" I nod wordlessly, my mouth agape, gasping and thrusting and fucking him. "I know, I can feel it," he says. Three seconds later I come hard around his cock and he reaches up for me to hold me as he comes too.

Me half asleep. Him just finishing watching a movie. He curls up behind me. His hand wrapped around my left tit. He starts kissing my bare back. I turn to face him and we begin round 2.

Him on top of me. Thrusting. Hard. We're on the floor. "I'm coming," he says. I tell him, "come baby." He looks perplexed. "Are you sure?" "I'm safe." He speeds up amidst our moans and groans until he comes inside me.

I'm lying on my back, half-drunk and lost in a daze of orgasm and sexual arousal. His hands are thrusting inside me. Young boy. "There's so much," he wonders, as my juices coat his hand. I've been coming repeatedly for the past 20 minutes. He crawls to go down on me. My hands pulls his hair.

I'm walking on the way to the restroom. He reaches out a hand to grab me. He pulls me to the men's room. He's squeezing my tits. In about 5 seconds flat my left tit was fully exposed. He leans down to suck and bite it. I moan as I hold on to his head.

Some theories say that a man thinks of sex every so number of seconds. I think the attention spans of men are a little too short to think about sex for a prolonged period of time. They probably just get flashes of images like a sudden image of tits or pussy that's enough to get them off.

Admittedly it is easy to get men horny. It is especially easy to get men off. Something proven by something Jm once said, "Any sex is good sex." Men of course think it's something special to get women off. Because face it, women are more picky than men.

Some guys are good just for quickies in example: Cc and Ak. Some men are good for extended liaisons: H and V. Guys like The Speedfucker, are no good at all.

Learning how to manage your stable is the most crucial thing for a player. You've got to know which choices to pick dependent on your mood. Men will always come. It's in their nature, all they really need is a warm hole. Women choose who they give their pussy to. And even promiscuous ones like me, still choose.

Ak was horrible at extended liaisons. For one, he's schedule was insane, being a call center dude. And his stamina sucks. He had a tendency to fall asleep. Cc is somewhat the same. He needs to sleep before he can fuck. Young boys fuck a couple of times in quick succession. Experienced men can fuck very well and can go on for what seems like forever. V and H are primary examples. V knew how to last. H, being an older man, does need his rest. But that rest is only a couple of minutes long. Then he starts fucking again. And he knows how to fuck.

Men basically just choose which woman is available. The trick is to get them to remember you first so that you're on top of the list. What does that trick entail? Sport fucking.

Sport fucking means treating fucking like a game. When most women fuck, they are tentative, unsure or shy. This masks several insecurities. Some which not even I am immune to. Women who sport fuck love sex. Love their bodies. Love fucking men. They masturbate often because they like having orgasms. They prefer fucking because energy is different when it is transferred between two people. Because the energy builds up and strengthens and causes a gigantic explosion in the end. They prefer fucking because they like having another body to hold on to. They prefer fucking because it means giving pleasure to another person. I am a sport fucker. And we, sport fuckers, like to fuck.

Men like to fuck girls who like to fuck because, well, it makes them feel good. When men encounter a woman who loves sex, they feel that they are good in bed. It's hard to make a woman enjoy sex, or so I've heard. When they see a woman who genuinely enjoys it, they can have 1 of 2 reactions, they either get scared because they can't handle it or they enjoy that woman more. The men who love sport fuckers, they are the ones who learn more. And fuck better in the end.

I realized only recently that the pivotal movie of my childhood was Chasing Amy. Saw it when I was in high school, it was one of those Kevin Smith things that I always loved. And having seen it again it reminded me of why I chose this lifestyle in the first place.

In the movie of course the couple didn't end up together. The guy got scared of a sexually-experienced girls. I know that's real. Guys get scared of experienced girls. Even the last one, who was basically just a fuck-and-a-half, decided I was scary shit because I slept around.

Guys are always scared of competition. Which is why they're scared of strong women, especially strong women who knew more about sex than they did. I try to keep an innocent face when I go out with guys. Because if they actually knew what I knew, I bet they'd be scared.

See I'm a fucker, and I enjoy it. I love fucking. And one of the things that guys don't understand is that when you've had all that, and you've tried everything, once you settle for something real, it's different.

I always tell girl friends that players are the best partners if you can get them to stop cheating. This is because when you've had anything and everything, and you decide to settle for something that's exclusive, then it's a choice.

I've been told several times by men that I was too good for them. In a way, I think this is true. I am strong, I am ambitious, I am smart and funny and appear to be a bit hot. I scare a lot of men, and even women, with the straightforward sexuality.

I've done a lot of shit in my time. Some things I never thought I would ever do until I was actually doing it. Some of them I did because I was in the heat of the moment, some because I thought it would be fun, some because I just wanted it. And the weight of those things are on me. Most men can't handle it.

But I know that this deep-rooted principle of not settling comes from that movie. I still stand by the things I did, and if people can't handle that then it's not really my problem. H, despite the apparent 'connection', never really took me seriously because, well, I was fucking his friend V, fooling around with his friend O and he thought I was sleeping with another of the Den regulars. My X, who is kind of an asshole, was always scared because he felt little compared to me, and he wanted me to be as small as he felt. Even guy friends Bv and O sometimes feel the need to bring me down. Of course they do it in teasing ways, but some of it's too pointed to ignore. Some girls even occasionally feel the need to point out the error of my ways.

All the other guys I fucked are practically meaningless of course. Or they meant something which wasn't important. There still hasn't been anyone worth giving up all the other experiences for.

And, like Alyssa Jones in Chasing Amy, I did try everything I wanted to try. And I enjoyed them. And they were that time, that place, those feelings and the things. I won't follow what society says I have to do, like get a boyfriend or a girlfriend or settle for things I don't like, or be with someone I'm not sure I want to be. I like my life. I don't want to mellow, I don't wanna to be nicer, I want to keep fucking and having fun. Let me be who I am and I won't bother you. Seriously.