Bitchicisms

Serves me right for trying to make it with call center boys.

Haven't had any decent sleep in about 3 week.s True some of it is because of deadlines and work and shit like that. But most of it is because of staying on call for 24/7 for some dude. Some sweet dude who is younger and kinda vanilla.

I don't know why he's even getting to me. I've had better, smarter, bigger, older, more fascinating people in my orbit before. More than that, I've had more available people in my orbit (this one is one of those suspiciously sweet guys who carry their girlfriends' shoulder bags and call them their wives).

So why is he getting to me? Let me elaborate... is he actually getting to me? Suffice to say I often go through phases where a totally unworthy person will get to me and I feel affected by all the shit that person spews. Sure I will try to escape this and run away and still fuck around. But in the bubble of experience that I share with that one dude, I feel...like...totally into him.

What's wrong with me when this happens you may be asking? A semi-scared feeling that the real thing will never happen. A general over-all boredom that wants something new to happen. A general malaise and dissatisfaction. A totally misled feeling that finally getting into a relationship will make things clearer and more apparent.

Yeah that seems about clear. Yet I cannot discount the fact that a part of me actually likes having him around, or, more accurately, the attention he gives me when we're together. I like being made to feel special sometimes. We all know its fake. Its not real. It never is.

The sex is good. I get off. Its not the best I ever had. Not the worst. Like most sexual experiences, I get off on the energy that we generate. He's a bit more...vocal...than some of the guys I've been with. Not to sound like a power tripping slut but I like the effect I have on guys. More than that, I get off on it.

So wait, do I like him? Or do I just pretend I do? Honestly I don't know anymore. Pretending gets to a point where I don't know where it's going anymore. I know in the beginning, when we first started getting close away from the very real and very watchful eyes of common friend evil Bv, I got caught up in the sweet talk, the endearments and the shared experiences. I was bored, so was he.

Now he's back in the real world. His real world which includes working the night shift and a girlfriend. I'm also back to my real world. My real world includes a heavy workload, a desire to fuck as often as I can and a clear picture of what I want the future to look like (but a hazy and vague idea of what I want the present to be).

I know instinctively that things will never work out with him. He's a cheater, he's younger, he works in a call center and he has crappy taste in music. He's as immature as my ex, not half as intelligent about the same things as H and he stifles me!

Yes yes, this maybe the first time I am blogging/writing about this asshole yet this motherfucker has caused certain inalienable disruptions in my life. That fucker. That asshole. That adorable little wiener/doo-doo head that I like cuddling with. That insane asshole who always asks where I am and who I'm talking to. That sweet boy who gives me what I want whenever I ask for and he can give it. That fucker. That vanilla fucker.

In conclusion. I have no idea how I feel or what I want to do. Nor do I have any plans. I have thoughts. Like I want to win. Like I want to just figure out why this is happening again. Like I want to be at a still, serene place where I can figure out where my life is going. Like
I just wanna focus on what my real world is made up of.

So what do I do now? Nothing. I'm impulsive. And. I make some of the coolest mistakes ever!

This song by Massive Attack was something that fucked with my brain when I was still trying to figure out what that guy meant to me.

I never fully know what I want. Half the time I don't know what I'll be doing until I do it. And I like that about myself. That I'm impulsive and half the time I barely know when I'll fight or flee. This time I think I'll f****.....

[Tracy Thorn]

Everyday brings change,and the world puts on a new face
Sudden things rearrange, and this whole world seems like a new place
Secretly i been tailing you
Like a fox that prays on a rabbitt
Had to get you and so i knew
I had to learn your ways and habits
Ooooooh, you were the catch that i was after
I looked up and i was in your arms and i knew that i was captured

What's this whole world comin to
Things just ain't the same
Any time the hunter gets captured by the game

I had to lay such a tender trap
Hoping you might fall into it
Love hit me with a sudden slap
One kiss and then i knew it
Ooooooh, my plans didn't work out like i thought
'Cause i had laid my trap for you but it seems that i got caught

What's this whole world comin to
Things just ain't the same
Any time the hunter gets captured by the game

Ah yeah, yeah yeah, hey yeah

Even though I've been called a player, and I sometimes call myself a player, I have to confess, I have no idea what this game is about.

In my mind I thought the objective of the game was to fuck as many people as I could...and not just any person at that...people who were actually logged at "above average" in the hotness meter. But now it seems that its not just about that.

H once told me he wanted to play with me and not play me. Meaning he wanted to have fun but not to have fun at my expense. And it seems that this line is all blurred and shit.

I don't really think I play. I think it's just a rep I have.

If playing means fucking as many people as possible, then yeah, I do play that game. I have no great concern over these men and boys I sleep with. If they appeal to me, if I feel a connection, if I think they can satisfy me, I fuck them. If not. Mostly I stay away from them. The sooner I fuck them, the sooner they're off the hit list. Loitering is not allowed.

If playing means mind games and deception, I'm not that into it. Sure I have my styles, my tactics, my moves, but aside from the tricks leading to actual sex, they aren't that many. After the sex is over, who the fuck cares?

If playing means having a strategy, having a reason for every word said, every action done, then I don't play. I may imagine that everything I say and do serves an ulterior motive, but it doesn't really. I'm quite impulsive and have no real reason to make things appear otherwise.

I don't form strategies to get my way into people's pants. I'm a girl. And a hot one at that. The only thing on my mind is getting in getting off and getting out.

Ok fine yes I play mind games once in a while, but I never meant to hurt anyone...

But then is this post all a part of the game?

From now on I will no longer say I'm a player because I don't understand the game. There's no need to. I don't want to prolong any waiting period or juggle multiple relationships. I don't want to catch any fish that are swimming by. I just fuck. Not even that much come to think of it.

I'm not a player I just crush a lot. And I do just really love sex.

This is the Incubus version not the Big Punisher version. Anyway, once I heard it in the car as I was pulling away from a bar in Libis after wallowing in dirty slut mode over H. Oh yeah. Apparently this used to be Bv's theme song when he was still rolling solo. Hahahaha.

Up In the hot tub, bubbly
spot love, Punish me
But it don't stop, watch the Pun get wicked
When I stick it even Lupe be like "Don't stop, get it get it"

I don't wanna be a player no more
I'm not a player I just crush a lot
But Big Punisher, still got what you're lookin for
Uptown baby, uptown
I don't wanna be a player no more
I'm not a player I just crush a lot
But you know Big Pun and Brock still down behind
Who's down to crush a lot

Hey yo I'm still not a player but you still a hater
Elevator to the top hah, see you later, I'm gone
Penthouse suite, Penthouse freaks
In house beach, french countesse, ten thou piece
Rent-out lease, with a option to buy
Coppin a five-oh Benz for when I'm not, far up in the sky
Puffin the lye, from my Twinzito
Up in the Benzito with my kiko from Queens, nicknamed Perico
We go back like PA's and wearin PJ's
Now we reach the peakage, runnin trains for three days
Who wanna ride it won't cost you a dollar
Whether soft or harder of course you still gonna holla
Mama, I'm big huh, I rip my, through your
I'm sick, you couldn't measure my, with six rulers
Hold up, chula, I'm all about gettin loot
But I knock that boot, if you out to get HOOF

I don't wanna be a player no more
I'm not a player I just crush a lot
But Big Punisher, still got what you're lookin for
Uptown baby, uptown
I don't wanna be a player no more
I'm not a player I just crush a lot
But you know Big Pun and Brock still down behind
Who's down to crush tonight

I don't wanna be a player no more
I'm not a player I just crush a lot
But you know Big Pun and Brock still down behind

I love from butter pecan to blackberry molass
I don't discriminate, I regulate every shade of the
Long as you show class, and pass my test
Fat, highly intelligent bachlorettes
That's the best, I won't settle for less
I wanna get a brunette, with unforgettable sex
I lay your head on my chest, come feel my heartbeat
We can park the Jeep, pump Mobb Deep, and just spark the
It's hard to creep since I found Joe
Every pretty round brown, wanna go down low
But this Boogie Down pro-fessional, I'ma let you know
Once I quit the blows, get your clothes, cause you got to go
I could go downstairs, little brown hairs everywhere
"You nasty Brock!" I don't care
Round here they call me Big Pun, if you with the big guns
Take time, known to make a chick

Up In the hot tub, poppin bubbly
Rubbin your spot love, got you screamin Punish me
But it don't stop, watch the Pun get wicked
When I stick it even Lupe be like "Don't stop, get it get it"
(repeat 2X)

I don't wanna be a player no more
But Big Punisher, still got what you're lookin for
I don't wanna be a player no more
But you know Big Pun and brock still down behind

He moves me on the bed. "Is this allowed," he asks, a smile on his face.

I lie down on my tummy as he places a pillow underneath my head to prop me. I arch my back and present my pussy to him. He lies on top of me and rubs the head of his dick against my hole.

I arch my back more. I want him to fuck me with his huge cock. More than 8 inches of fucking meat. He eases inside. I sigh against the pillow as he starts to move and buck against me. My ass is upturned urging more of him inside me.

I clutch at the bedspread with my right hand as my left is pressed against the wall. I want to fuck him back but the position makes it hard for me to move. He grabs my hands and pins them above my head. He leans against me and we kiss deeply though a little distractedly as the fucking continues.

"Bite me," I whisper.

He bites hard on my left shoulder. I scream.

This intense balance of pleasure and pain is what makes fucking this man so intense. Well. That and his huge dick. And the fact I almost fell for him. All those factors combined make fucking him and intense experience.

So he bites me hard and keeps fucking me. His dick bottoms out inside of me with every thrusts. All that goddamn power and that mouth just biting hard on my shoulder. He frees my hands and I push against the wall desperately.

I scream the moment I came, my shoulder still locked between his teeth, his cock pounding into me.

I always said H was my karma. He was. A lot of the things that are happening now can be traced as immediate effects and results of my collision with that guy.

I always thought I would back off, and that when I'd see him again it would involve me being with some hot younger (than his 30++ years) dude and him being with the girl who was half his age. But of course things didn't go that way.

It all started with a movie with Ts and Bv. After the badly done spoof movie, we ended up drinking. Now H had works at a place within a 5 mile radius of where we were. I knew that, I'd dropped by before when we were still seeing each other. This fact always makes Bv suggest that area to tease me about running into the one guy who caused a depression so bad it launched a five thousand peso shopping spree...

items bought:

1. a pair of 3-inch vinyl red stilleto hooker heels which I've only worn once
2. a pink cotton fedora
3. a pink and black checkered neck tie which I've only worn once
4. a pink dress that I wore once during my birthday party
5. about 5 books.

(come to think of it these probably cost more than 5,000)

Ts has always been curious about H as she never got the chance to meet him when we were going out. She was also very curious about Den, where I seemed to luck out whenever I went. We were on our way home when Bv peered into the bar H worked and saw him. I scuttled (yes like Sebastiab the crab) out of plain sight and told Bv to take Ts and introduce her to H.

I waited at a nearby area and cursed myself for being a chicken shit. I felt incredibly stupid about hiding as Ts met H. If I had any balls at all (figuratively speaking because I do not actually have balls), I would've been the one doing the introducing.

Anyway Ts and Bv came back, announced H seemed stoned out of his mind and we left. Ts had to go home early and I still wanted to go out and drink a bit more. I sent C an SMS and asked him where he was. He said he was at Den. I enticed Bv to go to Den. And he had this look. "Den? Right now? We haven't been there in a while."

"Yeah. C's there."

So we hopped into Bv's car and sped off to Den.

We saw C who I did sincerely miss. We got a table and started talking. About 30 minutes after we arrived, Bv interrupted our talk with, "H is here."

I waved my hand in the air, feigning casualness whereas we both knew it was either going to be awkward or...(wait for it)...legendary!

So H strolls into Den and pretends not to see us. He was speaking to someone and he told the guy, "you're like family to me." At which point I looked him in the eye and waved as I raised an eyebrow. He looked at me and smiled, saying, "But you're more like family to me."

So he sat at the bar, angled so he could see us and I resumed talking to C and Bv. Finally H came over and said to C, "Dude move, you're emasculating me." To which I ended up laughing as we figured out a way for H to sit beside me.

"How are you?"

"I'm good."

"Are we ok?"

"Yeah." I smiled and nodded.

"Cos I was kinda worried for a while."

Again I smiled and blinked in what I hoped was a mysterious manner.

"Can I buy you a drink?"

"Sure."

H brings two tequila shots so we could drink together. And the banter continues.

"Are you seeing anyone?"

I shake my head. Still smiling wryly.

"Good. Am I allowed to flirt with you?"

I look at him and keep that smile on my face.

I asked him to spank me.

He said he didn't hit women.

I told him I wanted it and wiggled my round ass in the air.

He hit my ass once. It was more like a tap.

"I'm a really bad girl. I deserve it," I whispered in his ear.

He spanked me again.

We kissed.

We fucked.

Now he spanks me whenever he wants to turn me on. Even in public.

He knows the trigger.

thanks to: Post secret for the image

I greeted the first hour of April 9 by masturbating to the tune of Fall Out Boy's remake of Beat It.

Seemed like a perfect time to start blogging again. All hyped up on energy and a little spent after coming.

I have been busy from engaging in carnal activities as well trying to earn some cash and get my life in order. Yes I fuck and tell here.

Now that the fucking has happened. Let the telling begin.

In the Peter Pan stories, there's a mention of that place between sleeping and awake, when you don't even know you're still sleeping. I love that time, that place, that way, that pace. I love waking up to feel someone's breath on me.

When I sleep, it's a whole world removed from the world we live in. It makes less sense, but is more peaceful. You float. And then you wake up. And that world ends.

Then that magical thing happens. You're half awake, half asleep, barely have a concept of who you are, where you are and what you are, then you feel a warm breath in your ear....then an arm wrapped around your waist.

Then the warm breath in your ear turns into a soft kiss. Then the kisses move down your nape and to your shoulders. The kissing is soft, and light; little touches of his lips against the skin of your upper back.

The arm around your waist tightens. His cock starts to throb against your ass. Finally you wake up and the first thing that comes to mind is, "I am me, and this is the guy I fucked last night." The next thing you think of is, "I love waking up this way."

You turn your head to return the kiss, and the kiss turns deep, with warmth fighting the cool air of your rented room. A hand starts to caress your thigh, his cock gets harder as you rotate your hips to rub it against your ass.

You turn around to face him, hold him, and fuck him.

Waking up to sex is one of the best things in the world.

Then again maybe it's just me.

I was aimlessly bouncing around one Saturday night. The Club bore no fuckable fruits and I was restless.

Escape and the salvation of my weekend came in the form of the evil Bv. Free drinks were available at his place, as well as the abundance of boys I had already, and could still, hook up with.

It was Ry's birthday and the entire gang was there. It was all the old cast, except for....introducing...Ak(aka A version 2.0).

Halfway between Bv's place and The Club, we met up at a Shell station. Ts and I needed to come down from our alcohol induced high because she still needed to drive home. So we stopped at a Select and waited for Bv. Bv eventually arrived, with two other guys in tow. One of them was Ak.

Apparently, when Bv saw A, he already formed a plan in his mind to some day introduce me to A's doppelganger, his friend Ak. Ak was quiet in Shell yet established himself as a clear player in the game by being very much the gentleman.

Earlier that night, when I had already determined that I was going to go to Ry's birthday drinking spree, I was determined to give him the gift of allowing him to fuck me. Sounds a little whorish I know, but Ry does do it right. And despite the fact I was really jonesing for his friend Cc, Ry was still officially my first conquest, and, as far as I knew, the rest of the group knew nothing about Cc and I.

Cc and I had not had another opportunity to fuck again. But he has been markedly sweeter and more daring in showering me with physical affection. In other words, he's been very very horny. However, neither of us seemed comfortable making any outward plans to fuck, we both seemed mildly content with groping each other as discreetly as we could and waiting for another opportunity to arise.

To many, it is still a mystery as to why I fucked Ry. But I still maintain that it was not just pure drunkenness or proximity. There was something about him i liked. Plus he has a really good lust worthy body. So anyway, I was about to offer myself as a gift to Ry. But then this Ak showed up.

When we were all already at Bv's, Ak sat near me and we started talking. I was then still determined to make it with Ry as a courtesy (what a goddamn weird notion I just realized), I was just planning to make the French exit as discreet as possible so that the Ak door will not be closed to me. Cc was also making moves to secure something special for the night. He kept groping my ass and giving me lust filled looks.

Things became interesting when I ended up seated between Cc and Ak and perpendicular to Ry. Ak was a bit tipsy, and Cc had already thrown up, but Ry was playing the role of birthday boy by being master of ceremonies.

Ak already had my hand in his while Cc's hand groped my ass. Ry looked at me and motioned me to sit beside him. This I did and I proceeded to kiss his neck. At first the birthday boy pretended he didn't like what I was doing until he groped my tit with his hand.

After I came up for air, Ak suddenly woke up and reached for me again, his eyes gently entreating me to sit beside him. Which I did. By this time Cc had already fallen asleep, or probably feigned sleep, as it seemed like the game was now between Cc and Ry.

Then Ry did something really stupid. It currently escapes me what he said or did at the time, but I know it was something to the effect of feigning he didn't want me. After that, Ak emerged as the clear choice.

So Ak and I made out and everyone, particularly Bv, practically begged us to go upstairs and get a room. So we did. At first it was just groping, since someone was asleep in the same room. After that we agreed to just go to sleep. Ak placed his arms around me as we spooned. I don't now how long this lasted, but the next thing I know, I was awake and we were kissing and there was no turning back.

We fucked. It was a quickie but it was a good quickie. And Ak was sweet. Little did I know that there was already drama going on downstairs as this was happening.

Apparently Cc went into dramatics after we left. He complained about being picked on because Bv made him admit that he had fucked me. It appeared that other people already knew, in fact, it seemed that everyone, particularly Ry knew about it. So much for Cc requesting for discretion.

Because of Cc's reaction to being made to admit he had fucked me, Ry became panicky. Cc was close to Ry's girlfriend, and Ry was afraid that Cc was going to spill. Cc was also afraid that his friends were gonna blab about his dirty deed to his girlfriend.

So everyone had dirt on everyone else, all thanks to me. And it seemed that Cc was particularly petulant and upset that I had chosen Ak. I theorized that Cc and Ry had come up with a schedule. I got Ry first, then I fucked Cc. The week after I slept with Cc, I slept with Ry again. Possibly Cc expected that he would get another go, but the appearance of Ak surprised him. As a matter of fact Ak totally blindsided me, I was totally expecting that I would end up with Ry yet it all changed in a heartbeat.

And after how things happened, I wouldn't change it. It all turned out exactly as I wanted it to.

I love secrets. Maybe because I always think that a secret is somehow more valuable than anything blatant, mostly because you need to work harder to get it. I keep secret things that mean a lot to me, like when I couldn't even post about H. And how I keep a lot of feelings hidden, or how I'd rather send intense thoughts and passionate stories out into cyberspace under the cloak of perceived anonymity.

Which is why I love the Post Secret blog/site. People send in home made post cards that contain their secrets to an address in the US. The secrets range from the mundane, the funny or the serious.



Posted here are just some of my favorites....

I check it every Sunday...and wish I could send a hand made postcard. Except sending mail to that far away a place would be a bit much.