Bitchicisms

Oh yes this is the title of a Linkin Park song. But it doesn't matter. I just want to break the habit. What habit? Not the habit of sleeping around, or even the habit of engaging in casual sex.

The habit I want to break is the habit of inertia.

What is inertia? It is more commonly known as 1 of Newton's Laws of Motion.

1) An object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by a net force.
2) Force equals mass multiplied by acceleration.
3) To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

The first law of inertia states that...

....An object at rest will remain at rest unless acted upon by an external and unbalanced force. An object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by an external and unbalanced force.

I am that object. Set on a course of continuous boozing, partying, sleeping around and such, I am constantly craving the same things over and over again. In an attempt to break this habit, have a breather, go on a small hiatus, I stayed in this weekend. Literally. I am not going outside the house.

Sure I was struck by an insane craving for chocolate which I cured by having the maid buy Meiji BLACK, a rich dark chocolate bar which is pretty cheap. I am also trying to cut back on cigarettes since I can practically feel the tumors growing in my throat, larynx and lungs (or wherever).

I've become a veritable lecher. I crave the men I've had sex with, and even the men I haven't had sex with. Admittedly this is an escapist thing. But aside from the fact that sex fills me with exquisite pleasure and immense well being, it also passes the time and keeps my mind away from heavier and darker thoughts such as..

...money, the environment, local politics, upcoming elections, things I want to buy, family, familial relations, love, true love, soul mates, savings, my future, my plans, moving out, work, career, life goals...

I keep these thoughts at the back of my mind on a daily basis so whenever I need a breather I have sex, or masturbate.

There's nothing I love more than 3 simultaneous orgasms in the morning. Either from sex or manual stimulation. It just feels good. Amazing. Warm and wet and liquid.

My past partners are all busy with their lives. Working or studying for the finals or already on a cruise ship somewhere sailing hopefully to a better future. I bother them once in a while. Annoy them through SMS. Ask them out.

Yes I am one of those girls that have no problem asking guys out if I want to. As long as I already know them. I'm shy with strangers. I'm also shy when it comes to people I want to take seriously. When it comes to guys I just want to sleep with, I am bold, brash and brazen.

I need to break this cycle for several reasons:

1) My room is a mess, haven't been able to fix my things in a while.
2) I need to rest. My energy is depleted from constant partying and drinking and ingesting substances.
3) If I don't control myself, I'm gonna end up sick of this again pretty soon.
4) There's no one new to fuck.

There. Which is why I'm staying in, channeling my energies in other creative pursuits which will hopefully bend this nymphomaniac curve.

Male friendships are a weird, complex thing that evolves differently dependent on the cast of characters.

Some guys bond over PS, or poker or basketball. Some just drink and chase skirt together. Some have a deep and unbreakable bond which leads them to share each others deepest fears and emotions. Some sleep at each other's house and use each other's house as motels.

Weirdly enough O has been awkward since I slept with V. It's not that he ignores me, or that he's been mean to me. It's the little things.

I had an idea something was up when I said goodbye to him at his event, when I left with V. His eyes were blank, after he said his perfunctory, "Goodbye, take care,have fun" message (V had already told him we were leaving together), he immediately left me, my mouth sort of agape, like he couldn't wait to be away from me. Granted there were a lot of people. Granted it was his event. But his eyes were blank. His eyes were never blank when he looked at me before.

Aside from the fun teasing, flirting, groping relationship O and I also enjoyed a close friendship borne of similar intentions that were out in the clear. He wanted me, for some reason or other, I wanted him. Now he doesn't know how to approach me or talk to me.

Yesterday when he passed me on the corridor he did not know how to touch me. We are both very touchy people and he normally taps my ass or my hips when we pass each other. Yesterday he opted for the safe fleshy part of my arm as he passed, saying my name in greeting.

Whereas before we went out in public fo our little meetings and discussions (free-lance work related), now he would rather not spend time with me, and becomes awkward when we do get into those situations.

I know boys talk. I know V probably told him about sex with me. Whether good or bad I don't know. I just wish this stupid damnfool notion that once I've been branded (dick literally stamped in my pussy) by his friend, then he can't touch me. I am not a lamp post that dogs piss on to mark their territory. O can touch me whenever he wants to. In fact things were more interesting when he touched me. It's not like Im engaged to V, or like he even has any lingering lasting interest in me.

I'm ok with the no cheating rule he has (which lists full on sex as the mortal sin, all others venials that can be committed). But I hope we can have the old banter back. The old closeness. Damn. Besides, I liked it when things were interesting.

Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn.

I always joke about being a slut but now I think it's a self-fulfilling prophecy already.

March 31 is the latest in a string of 3 Fridays where I've been sleeping with different guys.

V (from previous post) and I have been texting. He wasn't sure if he was going to this thing organized by O. But I bugged him and told him to go, so he went.

We met up there where some people proceeded to tease us. Specifically our common friend R who was kind of drunk.

V and I had previously agreed to waste time together as we had no plans of sleeping. He had work at 6AM, I had work at 8 AM. When V got to the venue, he basically waved then ignored me. He walked around, said hi to everyone (as he knew all of them). My friend who was sitting beside me asked if he should leave so we can sit together. I got pissed finally and sent V an SMS, "sit beside me, you said we were gonna drink". So he did. He sat beside me, we started chatting and I gave him a hand massage.

Funny but I had previously discussed with a friend that I was texting him but I did not remember what he looked like. When he walked into the place and I saw him, I whispered, "I remember, I like him."

We talked, he drank a beer, etc...etc...All the while we were giving off "fuck me" body signals. I was having doubts as to where we were headed as I was being visited by Bloody Mary (stupid period, stupid ovulation cycle).

He suddenly said that he was going to Sta. Mesa by himself (motel strip) to sleep. I teased him that that was sad. He said, "then join me so it'll be fun." I looked at him and he stared right back. I broke the gaze and whispered, "I can't, I have my period." He said, "cool, you're safe I can come inside."

So we ended up leaving. Well, actually, he made the rounds first, said goodbye to everyone. I went up to O to say goodbye when he revealed he already knew by saying, "Goodbye, have fun." and walking away.

V left first and I got confused until I received his message. I saw him walking along the main road. We met up at a place nearby (discretion?) and got a cab.

We went to this motel, his arm around me in the cab, one hand already squeezing my ass.

We had sex, he was damn good. There's a difference between getting laid, getting fucked and having sex. Getting laid is you just get it, getting fucked is being pounded into the mattress and leaving dents on the wall, having sex is pretty damn fine.

His tongue is magic: lightly flicking all over me. Damn, can't go into too many details I might come right here as I remember everything and the sensations wash all over me.

We had sex, then we slept. We were both tired as we both just came from work. He put his arms around me and slept. We were entwined for the better part of the night. Sleeping. Whenever he woke up accidentally, we would make out then go back to sleep. It was sweet.

He kept teasing that I was disappointed and still wanted more. I wanted more all right, but I wasn't disappointed. I wanted to have sex with him over and over again.

Damn. God help me but I really like this guy.