Saturday, September 27, 2008

I just realized recently that I had no idea how women I knew fucked. I knew how most of my guy friends fucked, mostly as a result of several hours of detailed clinical conversation. 

I liked getting sex tips and advice. I like hearing about clear adult objective discussions of sexual congress. Sometimes it repulses me when the person doing the discussing is a friend i somehow find physically disgusting, but it is a part of growth. I do know that to be good at something, anything, one has to practice and study. Those are always the two parts: studyto learn from others and practice to learn from yourself.

Given that  I know how my guy friends kiss, fuck, lick, suck, touch and the things they like to do... mostly because we've all discussed it. Some girlfriends I know their M.O. But some of my nice girl friends? I wonder how they do it...

I mean, of course I don't like thinking of my girl friends "in that way" whatever way that implies. But sometimes I have to wonder...

How do they know they're doing things right if they don't compare? Have they ever seen porn? Do they have any idea what they're doing? Have they ever tried learning anything? Do they engage in ass play? How do they look when they come?

Most of the visual images these questions trigger are kinda gross. Partly because 
I don't find the girls in question attractive, partly because I know their gross-looking boyfriends. But it does make me wonder...

I've been told I generally don't fuck like most women, I just want to know the difference other than I am very very horny. 

Friday, September 26, 2008

Final Push

Yes yes. Again I want to end that long twisted history. End it cleanly. Search for that sign. Is this it? The final irrevocable sign that I have nothing at all to look forward to with him and that I should just strike him off the list. A sign in fact that I should burn the list and start anew. A mark that I must pass with flying colors. The time to bury the hatchet and let go of that security blanket. Disregard that I can get laid any time I want to if I just go to that place and that person.

I did like him for his mind originally and not just his dick. He's closed to me and so I must become closed to him. Soooo like those grammatically incorrect Catholic/Christian bumper stickers from long ago. Their stupidity lay not in the fact that they even got printed but that some morons even thought they were right and placed them on their cars. Idiots didn't know the difference between 'Don't get close to me get close to God' (which was the right way) and the printed 'Don't get closed to me get closed to God'. Faith makes people stupid. So I'll stop having faith in you (not God some other person).

Thursday, September 25, 2008

If I send you a message past 2AM, its probably cos I was drunk. Several moronic things have been brought about in this way. The final surrender to H. The angry messages sent to H. The angry messages sent to Xn. The stupid messages sent to V. The stupid messages sent to Speedfucker. In fact almost all the most stupid messages in the world are sent in the period between 2AM to 5AM.

They are also the most sincere. Now if they were just coherent and well crafted enough to be believable and not disregarded.

What If?

Recent talks with girl friends baffle me. Why is everyone so concerned that I am not in a relationship? Is it simply not enough to say that I don't feel like one? Is it typically unacceptable to say I'm not sure I'll be in one someday?

I know intellectually that the whole one person for someone thing is a mathematical improbability. I do believe that there is a possibility there are several someones out there for me. I do get those feelings where I wish I had someone to watch stupid movies with or have sex with (make love, whatever) on a regular basis. Suffice to say these base needs have not completely overridden my senses to make want to get into a relationship.

I wonder. If I get into a relationship again, will I turn back into the simpering lump of female flesh I was the first time? Shall I let him dictate my clothes (conservative), my hair (long), my schedule (home early), my friends (only the nice ones), my attitude (behaved) and my self-esteem (low) as I did before? Or would this be my turn to wow my friends with an inappropriately less attractive man who will obey my every whim (somehow nice guys who are average-looking get hot girls I have no idea why)?

I once asked a friend of mine why she chose a man that had...interesting features (he was motherfucking ugly)...she replied that she knew she wasn't pretty and he was nice to her. I was galled at her admittance. I had to admit myself that she was right in her physical assessment and that maybe sometimes settling was the key to happiness. Another part of me swore never to go down that route. That resulted in an ex-boyfriend so vain and egotistical he was completely surprised when I dumped him after repeated verbally and emotionally abusive fights.

But what if I do settle down? With someone not so hot, not so pretty, not so successful or ambitious or talented. Someone simply understanding and adoring and adorable. The thought frightens the living shit out of me.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Cold Nipples

I was parched after I came. Must be because I sweat out all my body's water as we were fucking. May be because I released all my bodily fluids. Or maybe I was just parched from moaning as you fucked me.

I wanted water. Walked over to get one from the cooler. Chose one that was cold and had some ice clinging to it. I drank it in big gulps. I held it in my hand as we watched the tail end of Mythbusters.

Silly me I neglected to notice I was naked. I didn't realize until I felt my nipple pebbling that I'd pressed it against myself. My eyes clouded again as I rubbed it a little. I didn't think you'd noticed until you unceremoniously bent your head to flick my cold nipple with your tongue.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Horribly narcissistic and vain song that I can somehow relate to...

I take it in stride; One day at a time
If I ask no questions I’ll hear no lies
How come blessings only come in disguise?
Try them on for size as I vocalize
Ain’t nothing gonna get in between me and my flow
Aint’ nothing gonna come between me and my afro
My man just left me; what do ya know?
Easy come; easy go!

He came out of the blue
And went right back into it
Had to forfeit because he couldn’t get with it
Called it quits and when he spins
He said he didn’t have time for my juvenile bullshit

I've had a lot of failed relationships; I don’t get involved because I’m not equipped
I believe that the world should revolve around me!
I don’t see the point of a partnership; it won’t be long until they start to trip
Yessiree, the whole world should revolve around me!

There’s only one me in the galaxy
I am an endangered species
This kind of flower don’t grow on Earth
Just lettin’ you know for what it’s worth

This kind of mountain shouldn't cause a depression
So I bide my time with philosophical questions
Not for nothing but what came first
The chicken nugget or the egg mcmuffin?

I got talent and I got tits
I know I’ll find another guy who wants to get with it
I’m not convinced that I’m a big fat bore
One man’s pleasure is another man’s chore

I've had a lot of failed relationships; I don’t get involved because I’m not equipped
I believe that the world should revolve around me!
I don’t see the point of a partnership; it won’t be long until they start to trip
Yessiree, the whole world should revolve around me!


I know I rock and what I got is hot
And you know I got a lot
Cause all that trippin you gotta stop
Before you know it your ass’ll be drop

And if you concerned with my biological clock
Since I never grow old my heart is always in stock
Keep screwing that bitch from down the block
I don’t need you around I know I rock!

I've had a lot of failed relationships; I don’t get involved because I’m not equipped
I believe that the world should revolve around me!
I don’t see the point of a partnership; it won’t be long until they start to trip
Yessiree, the whole world should revolve around me!

I've had a lot of failed relationships; I don’t get involved because I’m not equipped
I believe that the world should revolve around me!
I don’t see the point of a partnership; it won’t be long until they start to trip
Yessiree, the whole world should revolve around me!

Boredom

I'm horribly, terribly, insanely busy. Which directly conflicts with the fact that this makes me bored. I am too bored to fuck. I am too bored to masturbate. I am even too bored to flirt. Sometimes I am too bored to move.

I swear to myself the wane of my libido is not a sign of depression. And I promise that the minute even food or cigarettes hold no interest for me I will get checked by a psychiatrist.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

The New Goal

It is cunning. Hiding behind masks. Showing less of my colors. And playing. I miss the playing most of all. The sex is easy as always. Offers come and are turned down. The real goal is to play. None of the recent items on the playlist will provide that.

Dangerous Liaisons made me realize this. The joy of cunning and deceit and cruelty. To be truly evil I must cut out my heart. And remove that which weakens me. Play with the intention of winning.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Use Your Hands

How to properly use your hands on me:

  1. Begin by grabbing me roughly to you. Pull me close. Grab my hair. Grip me hard.
  2. Spank my ass. Not little taps, but the ones that actually almost hurt. As hard as you can. Leave a red mark.
  3. Take off all my clothes. Don't rip anything unless I tell you before hand you can rip them off. A lover once slapped my hands away when I started to unhook my bra on my own. He wanted to do it himself. Another kneeled in front of me as he pulled off my pants. Then he wrapped his arms around my legs and pressed his face against my lace-covered crotch.
  4. Pull me to you. Roam your hands all over my body. Softly and gently. Caress all my curves.
  5. Massage my breasts. Slowly and firmly. Press them against my body, press them together. Feel their weight in your hands.
  6. Pay special attention to my nipples. Roll them softly and firmly between your fingers. You can use your tongue to lick them and your mouth to suck them too.
  7. Spank me again. Harder.
  8. Put your hands on my pussy. Find that fuck hole. Use one finger, then use two. Cross those two fingers together and curl them upward. Thrust slowly as you feel me creaming.
  9. Grab my hips and place my in position. Guide your cock into my pussy
  10. Spank me, grab me and pull my hair as you fuck me. You can bite me too.
  11. Repeat steps 4 -7 until I come.
Now here's what I want you to do. Just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it.

Pinch it

The Internet really has everything for anyone. This confirms it. Even though the site caters specifically to men on men fantasies, it gets me. I love nipples. Love them.

This site makes me wanna cream.



I remember when I strayed from my regular meaty/bear types (V, Kv, Xn)... When I saw Adrien Brody in The Pianist, then in Love The Hard Way.

He was skinny, and tall and lanky and weird-looking. With that big nose and those small eyes and thin lips. That led me astray. The curiosity for something new, something foreign.

Then I saw Son of Sam. Perfection. Adrien Brody is hot.

Craving

Sometimes you get the craving for different things, something new. Most people use this as an reason against monogamy. But it can be an excuse for it too.

That craving I get right now is the craving for someone to listen to me. Someone there to validate my existence and experiences by being there for me. Someone who will always be available. And these are the worst reasons for wanting to be in a relationship.

O once told me that H can become needy because he's used to having a girlfriend. This was the time when O and I were still close. When H was confusing me because of his conflicting words and actions. When he constantly needed me and wanted to see me and talk to me and be with me.

Attention is simply one of the worst reasons to get into a relationship. It's simply using someone because you need someone to always be there. It's filling a void in your life with another human being. And I am very much against it.

This is why I hate the feeling I have right now. It just sucks ass.

Monday, September 15, 2008

My Body's History

I was watching some TV show about women's bodies when I realized it. One of the most enlightening things I've ever discovered about myself.

I was fine with my body. In fact I didn't really pay any attention to it until I was in high school. It was just my shell, what I had. What I used to move around. I barely paid any attention to it. Until my classmates started noticing it.

They said I started growing tits faster than them. Even the boys from my co-ed elementary school didn't bother me much about it. I didn't even care if they snuck a peak at me once while I was changing. My all-girls high school classmates gave me a much harder time. My ass didn't really get enough attention until I reached high school.

I later realized that women are the first to judge when it comes to a woman's body. I've had other women delight that I'd gained weight. I've had other women delight that I had a fat ass. I've had other women judge me more than men did. Most of the time, men are just really grateful to have a woman around.

Come to think of it, women are the ones who enjoy judging. Particularly those who used to play. They like doing it most of all. Women really are more cruel than men. Men are generally more forgiving. As long as you don't insult their pride or their manhood, they'll generally leave you alone.

I was actually thinner before women started pointing out the flaws of my body. I also felt better about myself before I started listening to them. I'm guilty of it myself. I'm a self-confessed lookist. I really don't like unattractive or boring people. But then again, they may only be unattractive or boring to me.

Women, sometimes I judge them too. But mostly I just stay away from those that generally annoy me.

I now realize, who the fuck cares what all these assholes and bitches think? All this worry about the criticisms and the judging looks. Be free of them all. That is the ultimate freedom.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Yes I did watch it belatedly. I downloaded it as fast as I could, and I plan to download it after I'm done (still watching). I'm just really disturbed about Jordin Sparks. She seemed visibly agitated and even John Legend was visibly surprised.

Sure she feels passionately about those purity rings. If she wants to remain a virgin, she can do whatever the hell she wants to. But calling out people not wearing purity rings as sluts (which is, let's face it, exactly what her wording implies), is the kind of close-minded, stupid, stupid, black or white thing expected from the religious fundamentals. So she basically hurt her cause more than anything.

Lines

Must get the chance to use this line from Mark Millar's Wanted (the comic book not the movie):


Take it easy you little faggot. You really think I'm gonna lose the life support for that penis I been using lately?

And yes, it does perfectly describe the concern in fuck buddy relationships.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

I recently told some dude trying to figure out how to dump a girl in the nicest way possible that he can always get out of it and be excused (in the long run) by using the emotions excuse. The explanation I gave him was that women responded to emotions, not logic.

Now, did I believe this? Yes. I am a woman after all. So I kinda know how these things work. Of course it is bad to generalize, but I do totally believe what I'm saying and it makes sense.

Women right now are told that they can do anything they set their minds too. And that is generally true. It came about from the women's liberation in the 80's. Now the field is supposed to be level. Everyone is equal. If you want it bad enough and work hard for it, you can get it.

The problem is that women tend to apply the same instinct when it comes to men. Not all women though, but in general. The things taught to us, that if we work hard enough, anything will work, doesn't apply to relationships or to men. Because men aren't really goals. They are, at best, thinking human beings with minds of their own. At worst, they're really just like dogs whose greatest achievement is not peeing on the rug (or not getting caught peeing on the rug).

The thing is, we have great instincts. I've noticed that. I think life would be much easier for me if I always follow my initial gut feeling about anything. It often is true. Around 80% of the time. This especially holds true for men. Ever felt that something was wrong? That things weren't right? That maybe you should just give up? That it really is a bad idea? Hell I always respond to these thoughts with the perpetual: But it could be really fun and turn into a cool fucking story.

Now, I've noticed that with most women, the problem is that war between the instincts and the logic. Most women know if the men they are with are dogs but they want to believe that they are not. Even when most obvious signs point to 'yes, this is fucked up', some, maybe even most, will still trudge along and try. Because trying is the best they can do. And we're taught that anything will work if you try hard enough.

A lot of the times the push-pull of emotions vs. logic overwhelm us so much. This often results in the mood swings, the flakiness, the uncertainty, the whole girly thing of 'convince me and I will do it'.

So why did I tell that guy to play the emotion card when dumping? Because women understand that pull of emotions. No matter what logical explanation you say to a woman, the pull of an emotional explanation is stronger. We know what it's like to feel something really deeply and be swayed by it despite all rational facts to the contrary.

I told the guy: If you dump her, she will hate you right now. There is no way to do that without pain. But for the least amount of pain, tell her things just happened. Speak in large ambiguous terms. Refer to destiny or the stars or how you feel. Spin it nicely. Somewhere down the line she will remember you as that guy who was just not meant to be, not that fucker who started fucking someone else.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

I never thought that things going on in my personal life would ever affect my sex drive. In the past, it didn't really matter. I have fucked men while simultaneously cursing them. I have fucked during tough times. In times of need, when I had to scrounge for the cash to go anywhere (I never felt good traveling without at least some money), I would do anything in my power to get laid. If I was attracted to a man and we could have sex, I would.

Now everything's come to an abrupt halt. I like to think it's the phase in my life where I'd go for quality instead of quantity. But it isn't.

One night I ended up passing by a friend's house. I was just supposed to use the toilet since it was along my way home. I also wanted to go to a neutral place to wait for my next move since I was bouncing from venue to venue that night.

He made a pass at me. And I declined. Playfully and cheekily but I did turn down the offer. I think I wanted to. He isn't bad looking. He's kinda cute in a weird funusual (fun and unusual) way. He's a good lay. Why did I not fuck him?

Things are at a crossroads right now. My head space is fucked up. I am not thinking straight. All the ideas, priorities, emotions and events are clouding my brain. And I am thirsting for more social interaction and intellectual stimulation.

I have always been hungry for life, now I feel like life is trying to eat me whole. And that is distracting me to the point that I can't fuck. Fuck.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Why am I not horny?!?!? I haven't had sex in several several weeks and the urge is not there. Is this growing up? Is this focusing on work? That has never stopped me before. Has someone been slipping me sexual inhibitors in my water?! Have I been neutered/lobotomized in my sleep? Is this the effect of prolonged exposure to my laptop?!?!

What's wrong with me!?!?

The Folly

Of course we've all probably met them. Those guys who have natural habitats and tactics. Those who can't venture beyond their circle where they are king and alpha male and leader of the tribe. Those who easily get threatened.

One such person is O. I've noticed that he tends to diminish the importance of rejections and play up his successes. He always has a reason, an excuse, why he can't get with a girl. And he always teases me that he already gave me 2 when I haven't been able to get him to score with any of my friends.

I let him forget how he detested the idea of me hooking up with his friends. How cold he was to me when V and I hooked up in his presence. How he tried to defuse the H bomb. And how confusing he became after I hooked up with both.

Instead I remind him that I have no control over my friends and neither does he. Though he let the things with V and H run their course, he didn't exactly help. So I just continue introducing him to friends. And I tell him to do his thing.

I refuse to believe he has no charisma because I have seen it at work a couple of times. But the times when he gets all fake and tries too hard is extremely difficult to watch. He literally goes down in flames because he just messes it all up. Now, I've been hearing evil things about him:

  1. He has been setting up dinners/lunches/coffee with my friends telling them I'd be there. And he never tells me about them, I always hear about these things from my friends. Hello?! He had done this three times.
  2. He has claimed he won't hook up with one of our common friends. We recently realized we both knew her and it was kinda weird how the world had gotten small. He mentioned that she seemed naughty, and I agreed while making it clear that she was completely unattractive to me. He claims that he won't yet he has apparently made the offers already. Dude! Never fuck down! If you're going to cheat on your gf, do it with someone hotter!
  3. He had been setting up threesomes in my behalf without my knowledge. With the unattractive girl mentioned above.
Despite all the fuckery me and this guy has been up to, I do consider him a friend. So this depresses me when I think that someday I am going to have to throw down his ass because of his shenanigans. Well it doesn't depress me too much, not like it used to before. I guess I'm coming to terms he is a bit of a loser.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Newbie

I've recently been reading on the Mystery Method. It's a method for pick up artists. And as my typical obsessive geeky behavior dictates, I started reading up on it as much as I can. I'm learning lots of new terms and styles that I can use to my advantage. I've also learned that men have been using parts of it on me with success for some time now.

Then a friend of mine gave my number, admittedly with my consent, to some dude. Some dude who's style of getting laid is to text me at odd hours and ask if I was busy, or if my mom was at home so he could come over. Now keep in mind that I had never met this man. He was a total stranger. I don't even know what he looks like.

I'd endured this for some time because it was a bit nice. And everyone knows I like having open options. But then it sounded a bit desperate when he stated, twice, that he was horny and that he wanted to go to my house. There were no offers of beer or even a pretense of anything but sex. And it perplexed me and disturbed me that he was willing to do this with someone he hadn't even met. It reeked of low value.

So after I called him out on his perviness I explained to him what I thought. That the game doesn't work that way. It's not simply fucking as many as you can; that makes you a whore. The game doesn't work that way. You don't reveal all your cards and evil intent immediately. If the prize is worth it, you play for it. Inch by inch and mile by mile you play for it cos its worth it.

It's not even that you want a relationship with this person. It's just that you want to fuck them more than once. Because they are worth keeping. Because they are worth it. Because they're hot and charming and funny. And what use is playing if it's not worth the prize.

Little newbie moron told me he didn't like playing games and he wanted it straight to the point. I told him I liked games cos it was more fun. I also told him he probably didn't think I was worth playing for cos he was rushing it. He said he knew I was which was why he offered, and that I was the one who turned him down. So maybe I thought he wasn't worth it. I said he didn't even give the game a chance to unfold and he rushed it. So I could never give him the fuck of his life.

Good riddance to a newbie.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Hiatus Mode?

I have been fielding a couple of offers recently. Weirdly enough I am already cooped up at home yet I have had men/guys/boys contact me, demanding immediate fuckery. What am I, freakin Jollibee? 24/7 Delivery?

I have received offers from, and turned down:

  1. Cc - young boy of long ago, the offer was for immediate gratification. I offered and made shady plans knowing it might not push through.
  2. Friend's bf - the sheer evil thought of it is tempting yet not enough.
  3. Larry Flynt - not the larry flynt, but some dude I once had relations with. The moment was there, but for some reason I just wasn't feeling it.
  4. Newbie - some dude who's supposedly a player but came off too overeager.
  5. another O friend (AOF) - a possible part of the playlist yet something I'm not willing to gamble on.
  6. Kk - some call center dude who I may or may not fuck but I am not actively pursuing
Now this is weird. Am I actively going on hiatus? Is stress getting to me? Is Ts right and I'm looking for something more ...Or is Mc right and this is a sign that the end is near and we all have to repent?