Bitchicisms

Recent talks with girl friends baffle me. Why is everyone so concerned that I am not in a relationship? Is it simply not enough to say that I don't feel like one? Is it typically unacceptable to say I'm not sure I'll be in one someday?

I know intellectually that the whole one person for someone thing is a mathematical improbability. I do believe that there is a possibility there are several someones out there for me. I do get those feelings where I wish I had someone to watch stupid movies with or have sex with (make love, whatever) on a regular basis. Suffice to say these base needs have not completely overridden my senses to make want to get into a relationship.

I wonder. If I get into a relationship again, will I turn back into the simpering lump of female flesh I was the first time? Shall I let him dictate my clothes (conservative), my hair (long), my schedule (home early), my friends (only the nice ones), my attitude (behaved) and my self-esteem (low) as I did before? Or would this be my turn to wow my friends with an inappropriately less attractive man who will obey my every whim (somehow nice guys who are average-looking get hot girls I have no idea why)?

I once asked a friend of mine why she chose a man that had...interesting features (he was motherfucking ugly)...she replied that she knew she wasn't pretty and he was nice to her. I was galled at her admittance. I had to admit myself that she was right in her physical assessment and that maybe sometimes settling was the key to happiness. Another part of me swore never to go down that route. That resulted in an ex-boyfriend so vain and egotistical he was completely surprised when I dumped him after repeated verbally and emotionally abusive fights.

But what if I do settle down? With someone not so hot, not so pretty, not so successful or ambitious or talented. Someone simply understanding and adoring and adorable. The thought frightens the living shit out of me.