Bitchicisms

Serves me right for trying to make it with call center boys.

Haven't had any decent sleep in about 3 week.s True some of it is because of deadlines and work and shit like that. But most of it is because of staying on call for 24/7 for some dude. Some sweet dude who is younger and kinda vanilla.

I don't know why he's even getting to me. I've had better, smarter, bigger, older, more fascinating people in my orbit before. More than that, I've had more available people in my orbit (this one is one of those suspiciously sweet guys who carry their girlfriends' shoulder bags and call them their wives).

So why is he getting to me? Let me elaborate... is he actually getting to me? Suffice to say I often go through phases where a totally unworthy person will get to me and I feel affected by all the shit that person spews. Sure I will try to escape this and run away and still fuck around. But in the bubble of experience that I share with that one dude, I feel...like...totally into him.

What's wrong with me when this happens you may be asking? A semi-scared feeling that the real thing will never happen. A general over-all boredom that wants something new to happen. A general malaise and dissatisfaction. A totally misled feeling that finally getting into a relationship will make things clearer and more apparent.

Yeah that seems about clear. Yet I cannot discount the fact that a part of me actually likes having him around, or, more accurately, the attention he gives me when we're together. I like being made to feel special sometimes. We all know its fake. Its not real. It never is.

The sex is good. I get off. Its not the best I ever had. Not the worst. Like most sexual experiences, I get off on the energy that we generate. He's a bit more...vocal...than some of the guys I've been with. Not to sound like a power tripping slut but I like the effect I have on guys. More than that, I get off on it.

So wait, do I like him? Or do I just pretend I do? Honestly I don't know anymore. Pretending gets to a point where I don't know where it's going anymore. I know in the beginning, when we first started getting close away from the very real and very watchful eyes of common friend evil Bv, I got caught up in the sweet talk, the endearments and the shared experiences. I was bored, so was he.

Now he's back in the real world. His real world which includes working the night shift and a girlfriend. I'm also back to my real world. My real world includes a heavy workload, a desire to fuck as often as I can and a clear picture of what I want the future to look like (but a hazy and vague idea of what I want the present to be).

I know instinctively that things will never work out with him. He's a cheater, he's younger, he works in a call center and he has crappy taste in music. He's as immature as my ex, not half as intelligent about the same things as H and he stifles me!

Yes yes, this maybe the first time I am blogging/writing about this asshole yet this motherfucker has caused certain inalienable disruptions in my life. That fucker. That asshole. That adorable little wiener/doo-doo head that I like cuddling with. That insane asshole who always asks where I am and who I'm talking to. That sweet boy who gives me what I want whenever I ask for and he can give it. That fucker. That vanilla fucker.

In conclusion. I have no idea how I feel or what I want to do. Nor do I have any plans. I have thoughts. Like I want to win. Like I want to just figure out why this is happening again. Like I want to be at a still, serene place where I can figure out where my life is going. Like
I just wanna focus on what my real world is made up of.

So what do I do now? Nothing. I'm impulsive. And. I make some of the coolest mistakes ever!