Bitchicisms

In an episode of 30 Rock, Jack Donaghy tells Cici that he thought she "made love like an ugly girl, so grateful..." And there is another side to that story. If people who made love like an ugly person (or at the very least, like an immature person, acted grateful, and worked hard to please their partner, then pretty people did the opposite.

I met this dude (again, take a wild fucking guess, through Bv) a couple of months back. However, I only started seeing him recently when Bv decided to intervene for me and my sex life (sometimes I begin to take that his interest in my sex life comes from his lack of a substantial one).

He was pretty, looked like a Hollywood movie star. A cute one. Not like the weird Steve Buscemi/Billy Bob Thornton weirdos I normally find attractive. This one was textbook pretty. Someone who was unanimously found hot.

Sure he talked like a language-challenged, dyslexic, retarded, wanna-be gangsta lunatic. But he wasn't stupid, he just talked like he was. And he was cute. Should've been a player, but isn't really one. One of those boys who get to play just because he's handsome and rarely gets any repeats.

That was this one. Curiously, I felt no heat from him all the times we went out. Sure nothing physical happened. Just some hand touching and he kinda touched my face...I kinda touched his hand and knee... But it was mostly stupid stuff.

Eventually we fucked. And that. Just literally ended it all.

I have, as of date, including this fucker, had sex with a whole lotta guys. And, in truth, this one, this pretty boy with the bad talking skills, was the worst of them all. Worst. End of the line. Bottom of the pile. Not worthy to lick V's boots. Nor H. Not even the scum on Cc's shoes. This meant that he was total and utter crap in bed.

I've had a couple of bad fucks. Especially in the early times. When I was running around like a little bitch. Trial and error you know. Til you hone the radar. You don' really know how to pick out the winners til you hit a couple of bad ones. Literally this man was the worst ever.

First, we did not kiss until we were in the room. Then we ended up watching TV for a couple of minutes. I was half asleep when he finally hugged me and kissed me. Then he took off my jeans and my top. He did not kiss my breasts. He did not suck my nipples. He used his finger to just mark their place in a matter-of-fact way.

Then he put his fingers on my pussy. He commented that I was dry. He sounded surprised which kind of surprised me because we had done about 30 seconds of foreplay. The idiot believed that it was because I masturbated frequently. I did. I masturbate as often as I can. No other guy I've fucked has had that problem (I actually have references on this one).

Then idiot put on a condom and went with me under the covers. He thrust inside. And I was goddamn surprised that he was small.

He has foreign blood. He's half something. Some Middle Eastern or European or some shit like that. But he was...well...just...haha hahaha hahahahaha....not big.

Then when he was inside he started thrusting. Keep in mind this is all missionary, under the covers fucking. And I know this account is boring but trust me, the actual 2 minutes of fucking was infinitely more boring than this story.

So anyway. He kept up the same slow, lackluster pace for 2 minutes. Not accelerating, not thrusting harder. just the same steady in-out, in-out action. And the fucker came. Then he climbed off, went to the restroom, threw away the condom and lay down again. I must've looked so perplexed when I saw him cos he asked me if I came. I said no. And he even asked me if I normally take a long time to come. I said "no, just tired probly (like it was my fault, but hell the fucker was making out like it was)".

I ended up sleeping. I haven't had any sleep in a while and I had a couple of alcoholic beverages so I was really just goddamn sleepy. Plus it was the most frustrating night ever. So who the fuck cares if I fell asleep?

No wonder I never felt any heat from him. He's just a fast fucker. I didn't even know he was coming. When most guys come there's a difference in tempo, or in force, or they at least tell you. This one, this idiot, this pretty boy...nothing.

This is like the guy equivalent of the girl that just lies down there and not do anything. Which sucks cos while guys can get off on a pretty girl who's really nothing more than a warm, wet hole, women need more to actually come.

Some theorize that maybe he was just having an off night. One even had the gall to joke that I was frigid. I'm sorry but I've had good two-minute fucks before thank you very much. And not all quickies are horrible. This time I just felt like I was fucked over. Like I was goddamn used.

The guy is hot. Yet he has no fucking clue. Which is why he isn't a player. Which is why real players will disregard him. Which is why I will never EVER fuck him again. One horrible waste of time was enough. That weirdo.

Pretty boys suck ass.