Bitchicisms

And yes, yes, the circle of life. I am familiar with the movie the Lion King. I know what it means. I have the quintessential Disney soundtrack album downloaded (I know, so uncharacteristic right?).

Yes, also like the gin commercial: Bilog ang Mundo (the world is round).

So why do I say this? Because I am almost exactly where I am after I ended it with H. We-eell...not really.

There was no semi-drunken I'm-such-a-dirty-slut mode. There was no overdose of Amy Winehouse songs (hmm...may have substituted that this time for Duffy, with her 'I won't be your mistress anymore' songs). And no, I have not gone on major shopping trip, mostly because I am a bit low on funds. I barely know if I've been hysterical and depressed constantly because of Ak or of the fact I am abandoned with a mountain load of work to do. The lines get blurred sometimes.

I am a chronic escapist, plus I don't often trust my emotions. And I play-act. That plus many of my other flaws (trust issues, penchant for unavailable men, obsessive-compulsive/borderline disorder) makes it hard for me to know how I feel exactly. I mean, how the hell difficult was it for me to decide to gun for Ak right? Oh please, ultra-femme fickleness.

But when you start to get addicted to songs with lyrics such as these...

Stepping Stone
by Duffy

I rememeber way back way back when
I said i never wanna see your face again
Cause you were loving yes you were loving somebody else
And i knew oh yes i knew i couldn't control myself
And now they bring you back into my life again
And so i put on a face just like your friends
But i think you know oh yes you know whats going on
Cause the feelings in me oh yes in me are burning strong

...how the hell can you not think about an old lover who has a girlfriend?! Then the resolve kicks in during the chorus of the same song...


...so yes, my predictions that this whole trip would be over after the weekend was right. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. And I got laid. With H no less. Who recently broke up with his girlfriend (yes, which means we cheated on her the last couple of times we hooked up.sigh.)

So why is life a circle? I am where I was before Ak arrived to fuck it all up. Admittedly it wasn't all his fault. I kinda wanted him to fuck it all up. I wanted to feel something different for a change. Think of it as bungee jumping . It's something stupid, unnecessary yet completely exhilarating.

I admit I wanted to jump. Not because I had to. Not because I felt it was the only course of action I could take. But because it was different from not jumping.

So the emo mode ensued. I was a bit despondent. Didn't indulge in black chocolate and milk though, like the last time. I cried. I think it was because of Ak and not despair at my approaching deadline. I felt like I was going crazy. Thinking about him.

Then I decided I don't give a fuck about anything else. I was going out. And I did. And got some drinks. Ended up with H. Again.

And it was like the reset button was hit. I didn't know the button was hidden aaaaall the way inside... But it was.

Fuck sex is great with H.

Oh and Ak? The weekend is over. And as predicted. Not hurting anymore.