Bitchicisms

I seem to have lost it. Or misplaced it.

Ever since I made the not terribly smart yet horribly compelling choice to see this man steadily, my instincts have been off. I got victimized by a speedfucker. I have not accepted the blatant attempts at flirting care of H and Cc. I am unfocused and undisciplined when it comes to work. I am distracted and moody. Or maybe this is all me PMS-ing. Or maybe because he got me used to constantly talking to him. Then he got me used to constantly seeing him. Then he just went away.

Regardless. I have been all of those things recently. Insane mood swings. Acting high as a kite then low as...well...an ant that lives underground? Anyway, there I was pissed, bored, lazy, still sleepy. And a chance to play presents itself.

An old friend is online. One of the boys we used to work with. One I never got to play with.

To provide a little back story: everyone teased him about being gay behind his back. I never really thought he was actually gay, I just always thought he was weak. We got to be close before. I got to talk to him a lot because he seemed like the mature one in the group. We got to hang out one on one. Bv always said it was because this boy wanted me too.

Everything came to a head when I asked him to drop by the office. He actually lived nearby so it wasn't that much of a problem. It was just me and Bv anyway. So yes he drops by. Imagine my shock when I see him all dressed up. Fresh from the bath no less. Looking all fresh and kind of cute...

So he comes. I want to say I was prepared, except I wasn't. A number of late nights and all-nighters...I looked tired, haggard. Bv, being who he is, gave us a chance to be alone. And the opportunity was there. He was shy, wouldn't look at me. Yet he kept coming near me. Kept wanting contact, wanting proximity. And I didn't take it.

In my defense, I was thinking of taking Ak seriously at the time. And I was tired. But the hunting instinct could've been there. Prey was rubbing against the predator, yet the predator did not bite.

So the prey went home. Bv surprised, shocked and generally concerned as to why the prey slipped away. I told him I was tired. Then I told him I was distracted. Ak was on my mind at the time. And yeah, it kinda felt...not worth it?

This boy was sweet. He was kinda. But the lack of balls on his part kinda clinched it for me. Someone who can barely look you in the eye is kinda weaker. I no longer want weaker men.