Bitchicisms

I realized only recently that the pivotal movie of my childhood was Chasing Amy. Saw it when I was in high school, it was one of those Kevin Smith things that I always loved. And having seen it again it reminded me of why I chose this lifestyle in the first place.

In the movie of course the couple didn't end up together. The guy got scared of a sexually-experienced girls. I know that's real. Guys get scared of experienced girls. Even the last one, who was basically just a fuck-and-a-half, decided I was scary shit because I slept around.

Guys are always scared of competition. Which is why they're scared of strong women, especially strong women who knew more about sex than they did. I try to keep an innocent face when I go out with guys. Because if they actually knew what I knew, I bet they'd be scared.

See I'm a fucker, and I enjoy it. I love fucking. And one of the things that guys don't understand is that when you've had all that, and you've tried everything, once you settle for something real, it's different.

I always tell girl friends that players are the best partners if you can get them to stop cheating. This is because when you've had anything and everything, and you decide to settle for something that's exclusive, then it's a choice.

I've been told several times by men that I was too good for them. In a way, I think this is true. I am strong, I am ambitious, I am smart and funny and appear to be a bit hot. I scare a lot of men, and even women, with the straightforward sexuality.

I've done a lot of shit in my time. Some things I never thought I would ever do until I was actually doing it. Some of them I did because I was in the heat of the moment, some because I thought it would be fun, some because I just wanted it. And the weight of those things are on me. Most men can't handle it.

But I know that this deep-rooted principle of not settling comes from that movie. I still stand by the things I did, and if people can't handle that then it's not really my problem. H, despite the apparent 'connection', never really took me seriously because, well, I was fucking his friend V, fooling around with his friend O and he thought I was sleeping with another of the Den regulars. My X, who is kind of an asshole, was always scared because he felt little compared to me, and he wanted me to be as small as he felt. Even guy friends Bv and O sometimes feel the need to bring me down. Of course they do it in teasing ways, but some of it's too pointed to ignore. Some girls even occasionally feel the need to point out the error of my ways.

All the other guys I fucked are practically meaningless of course. Or they meant something which wasn't important. There still hasn't been anyone worth giving up all the other experiences for.

And, like Alyssa Jones in Chasing Amy, I did try everything I wanted to try. And I enjoyed them. And they were that time, that place, those feelings and the things. I won't follow what society says I have to do, like get a boyfriend or a girlfriend or settle for things I don't like, or be with someone I'm not sure I want to be. I like my life. I don't want to mellow, I don't wanna to be nicer, I want to keep fucking and having fun. Let me be who I am and I won't bother you. Seriously.