Bitchicisms

I miss being a hub of sex. I miss walking into a bar and knowing that I've had sex with at least 2 people in the place.

I have no idea why. Well, I guess I do. The notoriety, the rep that makes me wanna wring my hands. I miss the drama I guess. Or the perceived drama.

Yes I am a drama queen. I think one of the reasons I've been bored is because I'm no longer fucking anyone, I'm no longer wondering if I really really like someone, I'm no longer tortured because someone I liked doesn't like me enough, I'm no longer wondering if I should sleep with a friend, or if I should sleep with a friend in again.

I've stayed away from regular hotspots. But even when I went anywhere, I'd just crawl in my shell. I can't be like other people, like cool dude C, free, carefree and careless.

I don't know if I just want to get laid or if I want to get out or I want to flirt or I want to date. I don't know.

I kinda miss being with someone. Talking. Laughing. I guess I've been missing those things since I started sleeping with H, which signaled the end of the "wooing" period.

Yes yes, in the end H did treat me like a two-bit whore, but hey, we had a nice ride. It wasn't that bad. I was mostly taking care of things for us, but it was what I wanted to do. When a guy I want to have sex with can't spring for a room, I'll pay for the freakin room. And yes, I have done that for H.

I guess the boring thing is that everything gets old after a while. Like I keep telling our youngest mah jong playing friend (my baby boy), you get into this whole cycle of wanting sex and getting a whole lot of sex, so much that it consumes you, it seems to define you, you indulge in it, revel in it and love it. That sex is great. it's mind blowing, earth shattering, orgasm inducing delicious yummy tingles. With a variety of partners of course. Then the shift comes and you just stop wanting it.

Then you stop going out and stay home and just relaaaaax. Start being celibate. Wear clothes that are a bit more conservative. Get bored when you're out.Then you start wanting it again.

And it goes on and on and on. It never really stops. We always want what we can't have. And life always catches up with us.

I guess I just really really miss non-self induced orgasms. I miss the feel of a man's skin (which feels really different from women's skin).

Or I really am just bored.

Or maybe I am insane.

Blah Blah Blah.

I am acting like a ditz.