Bitchicisms

As my friend E pointed out, this song played twice as we were leaving the Den early early Saturday morning.

Now, some people say that actions speak louder than words. I say actually looking for a song on an iPod playlist and playing it loudly through speakers says a whole lot more. This is the iPod generation's version of that scene in Say Anything wher John Cusack stands outside a girl's window with a boombox.


H is no stranger to using music to lull me. I am a beast after all. And it is his Den.

The first time we were going to have sex he played a song with lines that went, "All I wanna do is make love to you..." and whenever I remember that I just get a smile on my face remembering his scrawny ass lip synching and doing a pseudo interpretative dance. During the times when he was still trying to charm his way into my pussy he would always ask me what songs I liked to hear. He'd play Divinyls I Touch Myself, Bon Jovi's You Give Love a Bad Name and lots of random songs. He did say he got used to my insane facial expressions whenever I would hear a song I liked or one that reminded me of something.

My ex was the same. We got into weird duets after we broke up, the J.Lo and Ja Rule "Ain't it Funny", the Jay-Z and Beyonce "Bonnie and Clyde" and yes once when I asked him what he was doing, he pressed his phone against some speakers and I heard the line, "cos I'm dying inside...and nobody knows it but me". X was the same guy who insisted I listen to My Immortal by Evanescence and really really wanted me to like You're Beautiful by James Blundt because it was about unrequited love.

That being said, I like music. And it says more for me than words or actions ever can. Mostly because my words and actions really have conflict with the way I feel. And I really like inappropriate guys who like music too. Though admittedly X was way hotter than H but H was a whole lot smarter and older but X kinda treated me better and now my whole comparison is shit.

Anyway, I've been chatting with O and I teased him that i went back to Den cos I knew that by the time we weren't colleagues anymore in the same office and I wanted to see him all I had to do was say "Den" and he'd agree to meet me. It's true. I adore O. It's insane to think I do because sometimes he belittles me and he thinks I am a whore and he pimped me to all his friends and attempted to pimp me some more but I have to admit he is charming and funny and has good business sense.

I want to remain friends with him. However, the evil Bv's get-out-of-jail-free card statement "It's a sign of maturity to be friends with ex lovers"does not invoke in me a desire to be friends with H. Or to start hanging out at Den regularly.

I do not care for blanket definitions of maturity. And I do not want to be friends with H. Sure. I will miss him. He is a funny and amusing guy. But he cares nothing for me. Not including the whole care=I wanna fuck your brains out department. Fuck-my-brains-out he wanted. The whole curiosity of I-wonder-what's-going-on-with-this-girl-why-is-she-depressed care, that was what was missing.

I reserve the right to talk about my experiences with him, they are my experiences. I reserve the right to laugh and remember the funny feelings I felt when I was with him. But I know that nothing, even if he gained weight or stopped wearing guyliner or started acting age appropriate, not even because he's smart or witty or funny, none of that, will make me want to be his friend anytime soon.

O I adore. H? Nah. I will have to deal with him. But I don't have to like him. Not anymore or never again or as a friend.

I can't even deal with some of my current friends how do I deal with someone who never was one?