Bitchicisms

Still in Six Feet Under mode. Watching all the episodes I never got to watch cos I was always too busy to watch them when the series was actually still running.

Claire used the term Cracking Open My Eye. It was something her art teacher told her she needed to do. A new way of seeing things. What I need is a new way of living life, of feeling.

I was supposed to go to a Tattoo Expo somewhere with E but I got pissed off pretty early cos I fired my driver. Well, he was an idiot who was getting to comfortable by stealing money and never being available and overall generally irresponsible.

I ended up in a mall with E and buying some books and watching a movie and getting generally pissed off because it was hot and traffic was hell.

The movie was ok. Blah. It was Elizabeth: The Golden Age and the books were As Seen on TV and The Astrological Diary of God. Book sale books that I haven't even read yet.

What I learned is that I am a bit unhappy with how my life was going. It's not so much where it is now, where I am now is a long way from where I was a year ago. Even the fact that I actually ended up feeling for a guy, albeit the wrong guy, is a bit of a breakthrough. The unhappiness stems from the fact that I am very very vague and confused and scared where this life is going.

Then I had this realization, I need a new way to live, I need to crack open my soul. Figure out my way through life. Do what I really want to do, live how I want to live. Pursue my passions, my dreams my fantasies. Fuck who I want to fuck. Write what want to write.

I realized how stupid pining over H was. When we first met, he was still with his then-and-now-again girlfriend. And it is possible that he broke up with her in the 2 days between then and when he asked O for my number. The point is that, well, I didn't want him then. And O was right I knew H wasn't relationship material.

I think I've been using him as an excuse to feel. To grieve to bitch and moan. I don't want excuses anymore. I need to crack open my soul.

I realized I've been stupid for being pissed off that some of my friends are losers. That some of them are trying to fuck people who will never fuck them. It pisses me off that some of them have zero personality and are boring and that hey upset me with their petty mistakes and their close mindedness and their insecurities and their faults and beliefs and their pretensions and their nasty gritty real life errors.

They are human. And though I may be hard on myself I don't need to be hard on them. Granted that I already change friends and leave out ones that feel like they are too ugly or needy or broken or dirty or too much work. Ever searching for the elusive perfect and nice and wonderful friends who are attractive and ambitious and talented and creative. Well there's no one like that. Not that I know of anyway.

I should also get used to the fact that men will think whatever they want to think about me. No matter what I'm wearing no matter what I do or say or try or how I act. They will always think I am difficult and weird and insane or stereotypical or slutty or bitchy or bratty.

I can change and be nicer, a sanitized version of myself, a shadow of who I currently am. Maybe, then maybe I could be content. Make it easier on myself and everyone else around me by being satisfied.

Then I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be hungry or needy or wanting things. I'd just be another typical girl working a job that I care nothing for but pays my bills and waiting for my boyfriend to pick me up at the end of work each day and then taking me home.

Blah blah blah blah blah. I'm such a whiner.

My soul needs to be cracked open. Open. Like a shell. I need to remove all these fears and face all these demons. I need to exorcise my old and defective beliefs.