Bitchicisms

Dear friend Mq recently read this blog and complained complained that it's all about H. Which is partly true. And definitely better than complaining that this is all about sex.

To those who remember, this blog was started way back in March of this year to hide the fact that I was fucking with a guy who worked in the same office as I did, the ever horny O. This blog was also created at the suggestion of friend R, who suggested that using an alternate/secret blog for my sexcapades would be better to maintain a certain anonymity when I was pointing fingers to all the fuckers I knew.

The first blog was me coming from a 7 month celibacy. And several things have shaped this blog, mostly the saga and drama of the triumvirate of sex: H, V and O. The first few posts were about O, then some were about V and then several long and winding posts about H that ended in this current state of rehashing and rethinking all my past exploits for the benefit of keeping up a sex blog and to feed my undying sexual desires.

Oh yeah, I am still horny. Hornier than ever, at times of great weakness I even contemplated seeking H for some fucking. Thank God I didn't cos he already had a replacement, er, well, girlfriend really, not a replacement, a return to his previous pre-J life.

When Mq told me that my blog was all about H, it took me a couple of beats before I could counter with "well, yeah you're talking all about D(her ex)". And of course, the ever omnipresent response, "we can't help what we feel".

True, true. Mq called me in a state of high agitation because the new guy she was seeing, a certain Mr, was acting like an asshole. I almost told her what Bv told me, "all men are assholes".

Mq wanted the satisfaction of hitting Mr and hurting him physically. Never really had that, all my revenge fantasies centered on me coming back into random ex-lovers lives and showing them how regretful they really are that they left me, or rather, that I left them. It's weird really, I suddenly realized that I was always the dumper, the one who walks away, the one who leaves, yet I always felt the victim.

I rationalize it by saying that I always left the moment I sensed something was different, or off. But fact of the matter is, I was always the one that walked away. Sure H started being different. X started feeling difficult. All the other guys were giving up and shit got too hard to deal with.

I've stopped feeling it was my fault, and I'd stopped feeling it was their fault as well. Being older, I know that some things will never work, and some things eventually will. That and that I can't help feeling how I feel, and I refuse to feel guilty that I feel horny or angry or loving or affectionate or frustrated or upset or annoyed.

I can be annoyed now and deal with it in my own way. I can be horny now and masturbate. I can remember H and remember how it feels and still feel giddy and happy. I need emotion in my life. Real, raw violent emotion and I am addicted to drama. I don't need sanity really, I want and crave some sort insane thing gripping me.

Feeling something, and having people tell you not to feel that thing doesn't help. It's like a round peg and a square hole. I've been constantly flogged by friends for feeling drawn to X or being awkward around H or hating people. I can't help that.

Give me the satisfaction of feeling how I feel and don't tell me not to feel it. I rarely feel real emotion towards people, please don't take that away from me. Most of the time i just feel bored and agitated and unsatisfied with life. I like drama and I often create it. I coast from moment to moment on a giant wave of emotion and I get drawn to all the wrong people, with all my insane friends and all my weird men and all the fucked up things I go through.

This is life as I like it, messy and entertaining and tiring and painful. I like working a lot. I like doing a lot of things all at the same time. Don't prosecute me for it.

Liking H was good. And continuing to reminisce that feeling without acting on it, while at the same time accepting that it's over is fine. I can't help how I feel. Deal with it.

Sure I'm guilty of the same thing, when people are overindulgent and wallow in misery and self-pity, I mostly tell them to get off their lazy asses and stop it. I do it too.

But I will work harder and stop feeling guilty. And I will be less hard on other people.