Bitchicisms

Yes yes. Again I want to end that long twisted history. End it cleanly. Search for that sign. Is this it? The final irrevocable sign that I have nothing at all to look forward to with him and that I should just strike him off the list. A sign in fact that I should burn the list and start anew. A mark that I must pass with flying colors. The time to bury the hatchet and let go of that security blanket. Disregard that I can get laid any time I want to if I just go to that place and that person.

I did like him for his mind originally and not just his dick. He's closed to me and so I must become closed to him. Soooo like those grammatically incorrect Catholic/Christian bumper stickers from long ago. Their stupidity lay not in the fact that they even got printed but that some morons even thought they were right and placed them on their cars. Idiots didn't know the difference between 'Don't get close to me get close to God' (which was the right way) and the printed 'Don't get closed to me get closed to God'. Faith makes people stupid. So I'll stop having faith in you (not God some other person).

In the midst of this weird fluctuating weight issue due to an insane work schedule I am suddenly craving meat. And yes, my mother thought it best to indulge me by buying me my favorite meat in a bun meal: JolliHotdog. Yes I'm one of those who grew up on Jollibee fast food.

Now I'm a bit concerned as I really don't have much time to do any sort of physical activity. I am still trying to work out my schedule and routine for this whole business. And yep I get one of those days when I begin to doubt every flattering thing that has been ever said about me.

I realize that I need to first accept and love who I am before I can change. And I come up with this mantra:

I am a hot, beautiful, smart, fuckable woman.
Anybody would be lucky to get into my pants.
Everyone wants to fuck me.
I am hot.
And fuckable.
There is nothing I can't do.
There is no one I can't do.
I am extremely fuckable.

And I vow to learn this to live it to love it. Because confidence works. And attitude works. And everything else will follow.

And yes, because I am totally fuckable.

Hitting it. Soon. I think I may already have. Hating so many things. Hating so many people. Things and people that are (seemingly) a part of my life. Getting wasted doesn't seem like such a good idea. I don't trust people. I don't trust myself. I don't even what to fuck.

here are several signs of depression. One of it being not wanting to have sex. But then again I can still sleep. I can still eat. I can still masturbate. But fuck if I don't want to destroy everything in my life. Leave everyone I know. Shit on everything I own. Destroy things. Hurt people. Just completely remove them from my life.

Every time I got this urge I turned it toward things that may not have been the best idea for me. Ate everything I could lay my hands on. Or fuck everything that moved within my line of sight. Once I got so focused on not eating I lost 31 lbs. in 2 - 3 months. Because I stopped eating.

Now? What do I do now?

Abandon all the things I've worked on? Abandon the relationships I've built? I know where it comes from now. Hate. Self-hate. I'd always vowed I'd try to channel these destructive urges towards things that are good for me.

So here. I vow. To go on a purge. To purge myself. Of food. Of sex. Of friends. Of material things.

I'm sick of people thinking they know me. I'm sick of people I don't trust. I'm sick of people who want to fuck me, or who want me to do something, or who think I'll always go along with what they want. I'm sick of other people's problems. I'm sick of all this fucking shit.

Yes. I hate them. I hate me. I hate my life. And it's time to stop thinking about what else I could be doing, or why I'm not doing what I could actually be doing. An emotional enema. To remove all emotions. To stop feeling at ease with all these fuckers I can't trust.

Lines are blurred. People are uncaring. Life is shit. There are so many problems. And yet people tell me I need to do this for them when they have barely done anything for me.

Fuck harmony. Fuck peace. I don't want any of those. I don't want boring shit anymore. I need something else. I will stop listening to people who only think they know me or what I want or what I need or what I feel. How dare they? They are assholes.

And no this isn't period related. This is not related to jealousy or stupidity or lack of sex. It's me. And all the goddamn things around me. And all the people around me. I don't want this life. I want a new one. And despite all the times I've been whining and shit about this situation I will actually, no fucking around seriously, do something about it now.

A life. A life I want. Let the great purging experiment begin.

Been flying a little straighter and a little nicer the last couple of days. Have turned down a couple of invites. Have been behaved and tried to keep my trap shut. Resting my weary ass.

Getting laid has become too easy. Now when I want to rest I get offers. Which is a little bit weird. But that's the way the cookie crumbles. When you don't want it, it comes. When you do it doesn't. The things you want control you.

So here I am keeping my cool. Just trying to keep my head above water and my pussy out of trouble. While offers keep tumbling in I keep trying to maintain my goals of hiatus and, well, a little less sluttiness.

Some of my past decisions have come back to bite me in my huge gargantuan ass. So I've decided to just stay away from the possibility of bad decisions. Men, guys and boys aren't equal. And, despite the fact I adore the last I had some major changes have got to be made.

In an effort to be less, well, accommodating to cocks and robbers, I have decided to post some red flags which will signal to me that the one I have my eye on is a very bad idea.

1. Likes crappy music. The definition of crappy music may vary, and I try not to be a musical slob as I end up eating my words eventually (Damn you Paramore! You're hot female lead made me change my mind). However, there are some non-negotiable bands. Locally, I would never be with guys who like: Cueshe, Six Cycle Mind, Hale, novelty songs (except for cutesy advertising jingles). And those who take Parokya ni Edgar too seriously are out (I mean, they do have some good songs, but recent albums contain too many parodies of something else). For foreign acts, guys who like: Michael Learns to Rock are definitely out. Same goes for acts I don't know who are irrepressibly cheezy.
   
2. Call Center Agents and Bartenders. Sorry, had enough of that kind. The first type is screwy when it comes down to sheer logistics. And, well, being an ex-call center agent myself, quite promiscuous. Plus what the hell do we talk about? The latter? Just cos I've had too much of that type.
3. Guys with backne. Uherm. Back acne? My skin's not perfect but when I run my hand down a man's back I want to feel smooth skin, not bumps. And yes I have been fooled by guys with nice skin everywhere except on their back. It's just disappointing.
   
4. Recyclables. Meaning, guys who I've had and already discarded. And guys that I've passed on before. Sure I adore H, always will probably. But this whole thing is not... advisable. And yes, I do intend to stop. Despite the rocking, amazing motherfucking great sex we have. Same goes for the weiners who are trying their luck again despite the fact I passed on them before. Yes, I have a list of names in mind.
5. Guys in relationships. I have inadvertently had sex with married men. Okay, if you feign innocence, that bites you in the ass. Sometimes, it's a matter of not asking because you don't wanna know, or being lied to. Men who wanna fuck will do anything to get it (lie, cheat and steal). While this was previously an unimportant factor, the sheer trouble of trying to locate his ass or sometimes even of fucking the man becomes a problem. And no cock is worth the trouble. And there is the improbable possibility I might fall for him. Hahahahah hahah (cue laugh track here).

Aside from these there are also resolutions I would like to make:

1. Try anything once. Meaning: I need new fuckers who do not remind me of previous ones.
2. Teach a man as much as possible the first time.
   
3. No more motherfucking quickies!
4. Rule of threes: 3 fucks in quick succession then discard, or once every three weeks.
   

I posted my 2008 New Year's Resolutions way back in January 3. And so far. Very little progress has been made.

1. The perfect gynecologist is within reach because of Bv's recommended doctor yet we have not been able to make time for personal stuff because his boys are slacking.
2. I always bring condoms now yet I have not had full-on genital to genital sex in almost 2 months which is really not as bad as it sounds.
3. Self esteem probably at an all time low.
4. My body is not a weapon rather a chunk of metal waiting to be turned into a full-on tank.
5. Yes. Optimism. And also hedonism. Mixed with a bit of narcissism and alcoholism.
6. Will be moving with the tides in a couple of days but on the downside have been spending like crazy.
7. Yup leaving.
8. Have not been writing anything other than this blog for the past months.

Now obviously I am a very slow and undisciplined girl who lacks focus. Will work on that also.

We were in a room with other people who were either passed out drunk or asleep.

We were awake. You, me, and another boy I liked. The two of you were playing Tekken on the Playstation. I'd gone straight to this party after my flight arrived. Bv as usual facilitated things by asking you to sit on the couch next to me. Somehow, some way your legs ended up wrapped around me as I lay on top of you, my back to you, my butt against your crotch.

You told me to rest cos I was tired, having just come from my trip. I fell asleep that way, your body wrapped around me. I deliberately ignored the hickey on your neck.

I woke up and felt the round, hard heel of your foot pressed firmly but gently against my clit. I moaned softly, not wanting the other boy to hear. You kept on doing it. Using your foot to massage my pussy. Pressing gently. I was half asleep and still a little buzzed. I arched my back and gyrated my ass against your crotch.

I slid my hands down my tits. I want more than anything to feel your hands on me. You've been watching me even as you pretended to watch our friend play Tekken. Your fingers played at the edged of my tits, waiting for an opportunity. And as NYB focused on the game, you focused on massaging my right breast and squeezing my nipple.

I ached. Damn the fact we were in this house. Damn the fact I didn't feel like being upfront and asking you if you wanted to go somewhere else and fuck.

I placed my hand on your crotch and squeezed firmly but gently. I knew you were hard. And I wanted more than anything to lick that cock, take it in my mouth, suck it, massage it with my tongue.

I wanted to ride you, to beg you to fuck me.

But I didn't. I promised myself I'd take my cues from you. It will always be your call. And eventually, maybe, I can teach you everything I know.

One of the things I pride myself on is the ability to teach people. No, this is not an ego post. I just enjoy telling people things they don't know. I don't push it in their faces, my inner Yodah just glimmers with glee whenever people learn things from me.

As I told NYB earlier today, I refrained from joining a recent conversation with other new young boys. Surprisingly, the conversation I refrained from actively participating in was about sex.

I am literally the last person to not enjoy a sex or a sexual conversation. But understanding that the kids involved were drunk, and that they were just kids, I did not join. If I had, my level of understanding would've blown their minds. They are immature and they don't really know what they're talking about. Sure they got the porn part of the thinking down, but when it comes to intellectual sex talk they still couldn't handle it. It's all machismo and bravado for them.

NYB is lucky because he's gotten some of my little pearls of wisdom. Like him knowing that there is a very good, yet mildly expensive sex toy store in Manila called The Pleasure Place.

Sure the website may be crappy but they have the essentials. And while no, I haven't bought anything from there yet (save for my black fishnet stockings and some underwear I bought as a gift), I know I will be buying some toys this year.

It's a great place for lovers, people and the curious. Some people actually giggle when they come in, I was mostly smiling, with the feeling of coming home.

Though I wouldn't dare buy all of them, I'd still buy some bondage gear and use them on willing partners. Well. I need to look for a boy toy first.

As I mentioned in another post, I've been feeling bad lately because I'm gaining weight.

I used to be a really fat girl and I've managed to keep most of the weight I lost a couple of years ago. Now my goal is to go lower the scale.

This is hard cos I have a mean sweet tooth and I've stopped jogging and have become very sedentary in my ways. One of my goals for the year is to turn my body into a weapon. And I fully intend to do that.

I don't want to be the fat girl I once was. Despite still getting laid and getting offers in my current state I'd rather be a weapon. Why? Because it's more fun that way. I want my body as a weapon. A lethal weapon.

Warning: This is an ego post.

In the midst of a low self-esteem weekend where I am worrying about the weight I've gained (which I will post about later), I recognize and realize my natural hotness.

That would sound incredibly egotistical if I didn't know it were true.

Sure I have both low and high self esteem at the same time. But I know I have an appealing face and though my body is becoming chubbier, it's always been full and curvy with a natural hourglass shape.

Ok so I am not model material but as I've been told begrudgingly by people, I have a personality that makes people look at me. It's what I call a natural attitude. It's this audacity and pomp that draws eyes. People automatically wonder who the fuck I think I am to act the way I do.

It doesn't always work of course. I do sometimes turn it off. But now more often than not it's on and I use it to my advantage. Probably because I've managed to keep most of the weight I lost off. Probably because I am accomplishing things. Or maybe it's all just in my head. Like everything else.

Not all people find me hot. But I'm getting on that right now.

When 2007 rolled to a close I made a pledge to never be guilty. This means two things: that I would never do something I would be guilty of and that I would never be guilty of things I do.

Coming fresh off a conversation with O wherein he basically tells me I am a talkative slut, I feel kind of guilty that he is ashamed because some people know about him. And because he is mentioned in this blog.

A part of me is thinking: He has been objectified. And he does not like it.

Another part of me is thinking: Oh god. I've messed up a friendship.

He claims I talk too much. And that I am fuck and tell. I try to tell him that it doesn't matter if other people know that we've been groping or not. All that matters is how people know him.

He does not accept that. And kind of berated me. For how I am and how I live my life.

One of the banes of our friendship has always been his perception of me and his deeply ingrained conservative and somewhat chauvinistically male personality. Now as I come from this conversation which has somewhat drained my resources, I come to see the fact that he has been an asshole lately. He knows I adore him so and as such often takes advantage of that. He is lax and inconsiderate and I am often his examples for his stories on what is wrong with this or that.

And I suddenly realized, why am I so goddamn affected? Why do I even want to be this man'[s friend? And why do I even take his penis in my mouth.

Fuck his shame and his embarrassment. It is not my fault that he has placed his penis in my mouth. And at least I was finally honest with him, maybe I shouldn't have been a hundred per cent honest. Maybe I should've just kept this all to myself. Then I just realized: FUCK THAT.

His parting words were that this was why he never slept with me, because I was fuck and tell. And that he was right in his judgment. Yes. He is right. Because if any man I ever slept with said those words to me. I would've slapped him til he bled to get the hypocrisy out.

Never. Ever. Will I place that man's penis inside my mouth. Never ever will I show an inch of concern. And never, no more doting or favors or goddamn fucking anything.

If he needs to judge other people as wrong or bad or evil to feel right to feel better about themselves, then let him use other people to do so. I am tired of being judged. And I am tired of being used.

I will be guilt free. No matter what. It's not my fault he likes getting blow jobs. So don't blame me. It's my mouth, my experience, my right to say and do and write whatever the fuck I want about that experience.

I'll try to keep the list as short and simple as I can.

1. Shop for the perfect gynecologist.
2. Always bring condoms.
   
3. Maintain high self esteem.
4. Turn my body into a weapon. (firm, tone, and all those adjectives which mean an efficient sex engine)
5. Acquire a positive outlook on life. Be optimistic.
6. Get rich or die tryin'. (thanks fiddy for this one)
7. Work on leaving. (this country, this state of affairs)
8. Start writing for real. (meaning fiction. like I used to.)
   

I'll check this Jan. 2, 2009.

Year end post...after being on vacay mode for weeks (and still not blogging about the kid that turned me out), I finally get time for a post.

2007 was a very good year. Considering I barely went clubbing the first half of the year. Got 7 new numbers on my list with 2 repeats. Time has come to rank them.

This ranking has no official standing on the FINAL list which I hope will not come out for some time as it will only be FINAL when I stop fucking other guys)

9) Jr - guy I met at a club I go to in the Fort. It was first time at that club and he hooked me with a line that implied he didn't think I was Filipina. It seemed like a cool line but some guys dissed the line saying he just wanted to be different. Well it worked. He got my attention. And 30 minutes after we first hooked up we were on our way to a motel. He was ok. Big guy. Average size. Sorta blah.

8) Kv - the first bartender I ever slept with. The one I met in a beach last summer. He came back into circulation early this year. He had gained weight. And despite that he was still passionate and rough, forceful and dirty and he still loved it when I swallowed.


7) Bc - younger boy I hooked up with through networking site. He'd been bugging me for a while and I only gave in early this year. He was a gym rat, face ain't so pretty though. Mostly he went for force, like it was a race, like we were machines, which would be kind of cool except we weren't really... compatible machines...I think we needed a hardware driver. He was above average in size though, and the roughness was a major turn on at that time. Except it felt so...cold and synthesized and like I was doing a vibrator attached to a firm, smooth and muscled man-shaped object. He still gets #5 for being huge.

6) T - proof that friends can fuck and remain friends. A new experience for me, friends are normally off limits no matter how much I wonder how they are in bed. Still, quite a pleasant surprise. He still hasn't given me a proper, mind-blowing orgasm though. Asshole. Well quickies are restricting.

5) Xn - Ex-sex rocks. 'Nuff said. Though the chemistry we used to have has very obviously dissipated, he can still manage to rock my boat. Though he has gotten fat. He's still long.

4) A - My college lust. Ah Christ. Butter caramel colored skin that was smooth and silky all over. great toned lean body and a face as pretty as a girls. I loved the way he screamed "Oh God" when he came.

3) Ry - Baby boy I have not even begun to post about. There's something about younger boys that just gets me. I don't normally like them, as most young-ish looking males aged 19-21 remind me of my younger brother in some indiscernible way. However I bumped into Ry at just the time when I needed and wanted to break the celibacy cycle and fuck like crazy. And we did. Of course he was really drunk and had to be seduced to get the nerves to do it (we were at a friend's house), but he was very very good. I was sore for 3 days after being slammed, bitten, pressed, pushed and basically almost battered. He knows how to eat pussy and I went home smelling like his mouth, that was basically because he licked me from forehead to knee. And no, it's not as icky as it sounds.

2) H - of course. What year end countdown of mine would be complete without the memorable H. The guy I let fuck my body, mind and emotions. I'm not a victim don't worry, I wanted it to. Old man with huge penis and 17 years of experience. Plus a long tongue and a desire to make up for being a late bloomer.

1) V - he beats out H for 7 reasons: 7 orgasms in one 3 hour fucking marathon. There's no other explanation needed is there?

I pledge to throw off all old sexual sins and mistakes. Remove and obliterate any traces of the naive stupid girl brought up in traditional and conventional Filipino values.

Not that my family is conventional. Hell no.

I'm pulling up all hang-ups and misconceptions by the roots to make way for real and honest sex. Change this whole cycle of misinformation and ignorance that young girls today have. That young Filipina girls have. Fuck the guilt trips and the notions of sex as sin. And the notion that sex has to mean something other than pure unadulterated pleasure.

Sure I'm guilty of that sometimes. God that was one of the greatest mistakes I made this year. Then I am human despite being a mutant.

Fuck tradition and the old guard. Despite the notion that there are a lot of liberated girls are in this country right now they still make the same old mistakes of thinking sex means something. It doesn't have to mean anything. It's free, pure, fluid.

God I feel high.

No more guilt trips and hiding emotions and mixing up and mistakes and shit. Let this be real. Let sex be good and fucking be primal.

Let's spread the love. And never the virus.

J.G. is dead. I killed her.

Well, not really. Just making a few changes.

The old way was boring. The new way is exciting.

To the few people who know who I really am...shhh....be vewy vewy quiet, I'm hunting rabbits.

I have two new obsessions. Girls and Rape.

No, they don't have to be cosequential. They're just two things that have managed to penetrate my mind despite this blue funk I'm in.

Girls, well, that was fairly recent. I thought my bicuriosity died already, what with the disappearance of adventurous girl friend E. Then as I was wallowing the other day, friend from Tx A suddenly sends me a link to a Shane (The L Word) clip on YouTube. I was mesmerized.

Then I saw two college girls from Miriam making out. Damn.

I've been fixated on this whole girl on girl scenario thing for the last couple of days. When I see hot chicks I just...god...feels like there are fingers crawling on my skin. Makes me shiver yet also tickles me deep inside, like a curl of fire licking my insides.

Women now...when they're especially hungry...and the fires are stoked in their bellies and they just want to ravage each other. Its so...fucking erotic and beautiful and just freaking hot...passionate. Cos it really is all about pleasure. They don't have to worry about anything. There's all that pretty skin and that smell of women...That sweet, innocent, clean smell. And that hair, that soft pretty hair I can't get enough of. Pink tongues and round nipples all perky and tasty and soft breasts and thighs...

Another thing is rape. I'm looking for someone to rape me. It's actually quite an urgent desire. I just want someone to try. I feel I need to be exorcised in a violent, strong way. I need to be punished and taken like a woman needs to be taken by a man at least once in her lifetime. I need to be forced. I want to submit. I want to be taken. Roughed up. I need to feel this.

I remember a time before when I was actually roguhed up in this manner. It was probably my ex. That big hot bastard. Fucked me, used me, mauled me. I think he even left bruises. It was inevitable, how hard he gripped me and handled me.

It was something I wanted. Something I've been craving ever since. Yes some men will be rough when asked, especially when they sense I like it. The whole ass spanking, shoulder biting, rough growling questions. That's a given. But that's not all I want.

I want to be owned. I want to be used...I want to submit. I want to feel mortal. To feel fire and get burned by that flame. I want passion. I want violence and testosterone and strength and gripping hands. And yes, I want to be punished. I dunno what for. I just want it.

It's an ache and an unfulfilled fantasy. The last one that came close to fulfilling it was V. Except he knew nothing about psychological torture. About torturing someone with pain and pleasure and taking them to new heights of sensation. He doesn't know how good it would be if he delayed it, his and my gratification, until it became pain.

He knew a little. Mostly he was not evil enough to see it through. He teased me once. I ended up sucking his cock and he had to throw me down on the bed.

I want to be raped. Preferably but not necessarily by a woman.

Yes I'm thinking of Shane. And of this girl I sat beside with one night when I was commuting. I got so distracted I got off at the wrong stop. She shivered my timbers.

I want to be scorched. I guess I want to feel life. And I want to fulfill some of my dreams. Be less afraid. Mostly I am really really horny. And I want to be disciplined by someone as soft as me. Yes Shane. Or Marina. When she seduces Jenny in the first episode of the first season of The L Word.

Oh yes, I can feel the "ber" months nearing. Dammit.

And yes, I did swear I would be 120 lbs. come December. Which is a full 20 lbs. loss in approximately 4 months. And I am eating brownies. hahahaha

This holiday season is shaping up to be one of the best in recent history. My family is doing very well. We're about to get two (two!yey!) dogs and money is so far not a problem.

I'm cleaning up my life (sorta facing up to old ghosts, friends who have been pissing me off for years...they now know god's honest truth), figuring out exactly what I want (which isn't staying in a stagnated company) and trying to get over this weird convoluted (daughter M's favorite word, hehehe)thing with H.

And yes getting older is definitely a lot of help. Though I am becoming more fearful and paranoid. Probably because life teaches you that shit happens, men sometimes are complete total assholes and friends can be full of shit.

A lot has happened the past 6 months I've changed careers and things have been mostly ok though they can be better. I don't really need a change, rather an improvement.

I need people who are not stupid, people who challenge, people who want something more out of life than multiple credit cards and loans and cars, people who inspire and command respect. I am sick of nouveau riche white trash types who have no breeding. I am sick of people making fun of me cos I like nice things. I am sick and tired of people implementing rules that do not apply to them and most of all I am sick of the family that blunders into all sorts of crap beause they are pretending to know what they are doing.

It's put up or shut up time. And I will gladly enjoy the last 6 months of my work here. I will not get into the pitfall of staying too long in a crappy job.

Oh yes this is the title of a Linkin Park song. But it doesn't matter. I just want to break the habit. What habit? Not the habit of sleeping around, or even the habit of engaging in casual sex.

The habit I want to break is the habit of inertia.

What is inertia? It is more commonly known as 1 of Newton's Laws of Motion.

1) An object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by a net force.
2) Force equals mass multiplied by acceleration.
3) To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

The first law of inertia states that...

....An object at rest will remain at rest unless acted upon by an external and unbalanced force. An object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by an external and unbalanced force.

I am that object. Set on a course of continuous boozing, partying, sleeping around and such, I am constantly craving the same things over and over again. In an attempt to break this habit, have a breather, go on a small hiatus, I stayed in this weekend. Literally. I am not going outside the house.

Sure I was struck by an insane craving for chocolate which I cured by having the maid buy Meiji BLACK, a rich dark chocolate bar which is pretty cheap. I am also trying to cut back on cigarettes since I can practically feel the tumors growing in my throat, larynx and lungs (or wherever).

I've become a veritable lecher. I crave the men I've had sex with, and even the men I haven't had sex with. Admittedly this is an escapist thing. But aside from the fact that sex fills me with exquisite pleasure and immense well being, it also passes the time and keeps my mind away from heavier and darker thoughts such as..

...money, the environment, local politics, upcoming elections, things I want to buy, family, familial relations, love, true love, soul mates, savings, my future, my plans, moving out, work, career, life goals...

I keep these thoughts at the back of my mind on a daily basis so whenever I need a breather I have sex, or masturbate.

There's nothing I love more than 3 simultaneous orgasms in the morning. Either from sex or manual stimulation. It just feels good. Amazing. Warm and wet and liquid.

My past partners are all busy with their lives. Working or studying for the finals or already on a cruise ship somewhere sailing hopefully to a better future. I bother them once in a while. Annoy them through SMS. Ask them out.

Yes I am one of those girls that have no problem asking guys out if I want to. As long as I already know them. I'm shy with strangers. I'm also shy when it comes to people I want to take seriously. When it comes to guys I just want to sleep with, I am bold, brash and brazen.

I need to break this cycle for several reasons:

1) My room is a mess, haven't been able to fix my things in a while.
2) I need to rest. My energy is depleted from constant partying and drinking and ingesting substances.
3) If I don't control myself, I'm gonna end up sick of this again pretty soon.
4) There's no one new to fuck.

There. Which is why I'm staying in, channeling my energies in other creative pursuits which will hopefully bend this nymphomaniac curve.

My friend Tinkerbell is currently working in Dubai. Earning good money and working well.

I am currently working in the Philippines. Earning little money, working hard, doing the job I was meant to do, but getting paid doodly squat.

Before my friend left for Dubai she did tell me that she was gonna get me once she was settled. I didn't want to honestly.

But now, even when I am doing what I like. I realized that man cannot live on bread alone, we want meat , we want ice cream.

My mom's for it. Of course. For me to leave, help the family. I sort of want it, escaping the family, going out on my own.

Meg says, good money, cute boys, lots of ukay-ukay (haha, I can't believe this is one of the selling points). I do want to leave, make it on my own at some point in time before I'm settled.

Anyway, who knows. Meg's pushing for me within the year. All I said is, I'll think about it.

If I do leave, I'd already promised to sleep with X and O before I depart. Which is why they're for it I guess, those assholes.

Ended the year 2006 on uncertain territory. It was, to say the least, an ambiguous end. Had a job, had new friends, lost weight, still wanted more.

Now seems a bit too late to state the 2007 project, but it still needs to be said.

1) Tone up and go down to 125 lbs. - have to exercise and curb the excessive eating
2) Get into the career/industry I love -- this I started to fulfill Feb. 19, 2007. Have to explore it.
3) Let go of excess baggage. -- meaning: a) my ex, b) virgin guy I tried to divirginize and c) 19 y/o I tried to screw.
4) Become financially free. -- entails: getting all my money from my momma
5) Have work-life balance. -- vacations, shopping and the like

Seems easy enough I'm sure. We'll see how it goes.