Bitchicisms

One of my favorite movies is the classic When Harry Met Sally.



I think it's a beautiful story with a talented cast (when Meg Ryan was still America's Sweetheart and before Billy Crystal was a supporting cast to Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson). But I think it's given some people the wrong idea about men and women friends.

In a scene, Billy Crystal says that men and women can never be friends because they'll always want to sleep with each other. Then again, that's not what really ends a friendship. What ends a friendship is when one of them don't want to sleep with the other, and the other still keeps pushing it.

I've severed friendships with men more than once because they tried to sneak attack my pants by using the mythical friend shortcut. But, you can sleep with a friend and not end the friendship. It doesn't even have to result in a relationship.

A couple of nights ago, I hooked up with a good friend. He's one of those guys that I rarely see, but often talk with. I've always invited him to my birthday, and I've helped him celebrate his. We joke a lot, we've hit on each other once or twice when we were drunk and we swap sex stories.

I barely remember how it happened. All I know was I was drinking on his tab and my friend had already left. He hadn't spotted an interesting girl enter the bar and my attempts to flirt with one of the bartenders I used to fuck were meeting unsatisfactory results.

My friend and I simultaneously decided to go home. We got a cab, no resistance from either party that we got the same one. We went to his place, distracted with conversation. We entered the door, I took off my boots and suddenly we were having sex.

It felt a bit weird cos we were such good friends. I remember him once saying that he thought of me as a little sister and we were laughing at someone I used to date who was terribly jealous of him. But we had sex... good sex... objectively good sex. We even joked and slept on different sides of the bed (no cuddling).

I texted him the next day, "As your friend, I must say, you're quite good."

He replied, "Coming from you, that's a huge compliment."

Sudden sex, no awkward-dinners and no new-year-party-climax. Friendship still on. And now I know how he gets laid so much. He's pretty fuckin' good.

I find it kind of sucky that some men really think they can claim some sort of ownership when there is clearly none. Especially when the last tenuous ties that supposedly bind have long been severed.

One morning, woke up prior to my normal waking hours to find One Missed Call. Similar to the horror movie by the same name, I totally ignored it. It was from a dude I used to sleep with. And apparently, still sleep with occasionally.

Our common friend told me that that ex-whatever (I was his mistress so he was my what? ex-lover? ex-enabled cheater?) had visited him early that morning. At around the same time the one missed call was registered. So I asked common friend if that was why ex-whatever called. Common friend told me it was because ex-whatever didn't have his new number. So I laid it to rest.

Then I receive calls from ex-whatever one early morning. I was a little amused cos he was cute and...well...amusing to fuck. There's this sheen of innocence on him that remains no matter how many times he's spent inside me. I love dirtying that patina of youthful naivete.

I was also amused because I was drinking with someone else. By that I mean, a man I was maybe, kinda, going to fuck. Ex-whatever kept calling and calling. I already texted him that I was drinking and still, not getting the message, he called again. Finally, I disentangled myself from the conversation with a hurried and apologetic smile and a "sorry, I have to take this call."

Ex-whatever immediately asked where "we" were. He assumed I was with Common Friend. I think Ex-whatever was supposed to meet Common Friend who was, as usual, inexplicably absent. I responded to the question by reiterating my "I'm drinking" SMS.

Further questions followed.

"Are you with Common Friend?"
"No."
"Do you know where he is?"
"I think he's with his gf."
"Why aren't they here ?"
"I don't know."
"Where are you?"
"I'm drinking."
"Aren't you going?"
"I told them to text me when they were going to the wake they didn't."

It all ended with a curt "Ok, enjoy your drinking."

I did text common friend to tell him that so-and-so was looking for him. I didn't receive any reply either from the wanker Common Friend. I went back to drinks. The Dude asked if I had to go. I said no, it was just some wanker looking for another wanker.

I'd recently hung out with a couple of dudes recently. These were formerly known as the boys. And yep, they were back in my life for a while. Until they weren't again when they disappeared in a ball of flame and light.

So I got to talk a little to Cc. Who was now going through tough times cos one of his friends ended up with his girlfriend. He was a bit depressed about it, but it seemed like he was finally going to get over it.

We were all on our way out/home. He started spritzing some cologne that was lying around. The minute he started spraying copious amounts of it on himself, I recognized the scent. That was the cologne that Ak used. Those few (none) familiar with my timelines may remember that Ak was the one I chose one night over Ry and Cc. Even if no one else remembers, apparently, Cc does.

When I started joking to Cc to stay away from me cos he smelled like Ak, he actually came nearer. I said, "ok, come here and let me sniff you". He did stand beside me as I sniffed him and smiled. On cue, Cc started to make fun of Ak. It started with mimicry and the assessment that Ak's actions were completely gay. To which I smiled, "he so isn't gay."

Maybe Cc is bumbed cos I had also recently chosen Ry instead of him. I mean, even with Ak out of the picture, I still chose Ry. Ry who isn't pretty but has a body to die for.

Cc seems to like competing. We were all on our way somewhere and I was in the back seat of a cab sandwiched between Cc and Ry. My hands were already on Ry's crotch, something he tried to hide with his laptop bag. As we were all on our way out of the cab, Cc tried to pull me back in and ask for a kiss. I mostly laughed and pulled away. Was that embarassing for him? I mean, it was pretty obvious he was out of the race already as I'd made my choice. Ry may not be pretty but his body is drool-inducing....and he's more challenging.

Love me cancerously
Like a salt-sore soaked in the sea.
'High-maintenance' means
You're a gluttonous queen
Narcissistic and mean.
Kill me romantically
Fill my soul with vomit
Then ask me for a piece of gum.
Bitter and dumb
You're my sugarplum.
You're awful, I love you!

CHORUS
She moves through moonbeams slowly
She knows just how to hold me
And when her edges soften
Her body is my coffin
I know she drains me slowly
She wears me down to bones in bed

Must be the sign on my head
That says, oh...
Love me dead! Love me dead!

You're a faith-healer on T.V.
You're an office park without any trees
Corporate and cold
Gushing for gold
Leave me alone.
You suck so passionately
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
You're a parasitic, psycho, filthy creature
finger-banging' my heart
You call me up drunk
Does the fun ever start?
You're hideous and sexy!

REPEAT CHORUS

Must be the sign on my head
That says, oh...
Love me dead! Love me dead!

SOLO

Love me cancerously
Brrrot-dot-da-d-da-da!
How's your new boy?
Does he know about me?
You've got the mark of the beast.
You're born of a jackal! You're beautiful!

REPEAT CHORUS

Wha' 'bout that sign on my head
That says, oh...
Love me dead! Love me dead

And the cute vid.

Did you ever get those friends who were stunningly curious about your sex life? As in overly curious? As in continuously asks you to repeat details no matter when, even when none of you are drunk and the sun is shining bright? Isn't it a little creepy? Especially when they declare they have plans for your ass or orgy cherry?

Well. I had a friend like that. He's still there, I just don't consider him my friend anymore. If it isn't obvious yet, well, he is very very dense.

I never got what it was with people asking about my sex or love life. I never asked about theirs, except to keep me abreast of issues I knew about. Like, if they were still broken up so I can introduce her to others...or if the rash had cleared...or the abortion was successful. Mostly because the visual image of friends having sex grossed and creeped me out.

It was a number of factors. They were my friends. And I loved them as siblings. When I watch people having sex I either get turned on or grossed out. Those are the only two choices. Naturally, when its people I know the tendency is to say eww.

Also, some of my friends have unattractive boyfriends and partners. Its just...no...If I have to imagine people having sex, I'd rather they be hot people having wild monkey sex. I know ugly people fuck too (or there wouldn't be so many of them) but please don't put the pictures in my head. I can't even close my eyes to shut it off, cos its being projected straight to my brain.

One dude liked to imagine I got turned on when he told me stories about him fucking girls. I don't really remember asking him to tell me about them, I just listened cos he was buying my drinks. He said one time, arrogantly and ignorantly "You're getting turned on, aren't you?" And all I could say was "No" with a grimace on my face. He didn't notice and just smiled smugly. That one likes to delude himself with very big illusions of grandeur.

So yeah, I heard from a guy in a bar. The guy who said it was actually someone I was sleeping with. And yes, I have gotten texts from him before 10PM but that really didn't mean anything. Except that he was impatient and couldn't wait.

Is this true? I do have some people I send SMS (SMS-es?plural form anyone?) to after 10PM. Mostly, because I get bored with whoever I'm drinking with at the moment and I wanna bounce to someplace else (I am also trying to curb this, I think it's a horrible habit to get into).

And, in hindsight, most of the people I messaged were actual potential fucks. Some were old (literally) standbys, others were new untested dudes. Most of the messages were random "hey"s "you out?"s and "what cha doin?"s. The underlying meaning being "hey, maybe we can have sex?" There's a maybe there cos sometimes when I do really wanna have sex, I often just say "you wanna hook up". Most of the time I just say "Fuck me?"

Is that a fast and tested-rule though? Cos I have set up booty calls prior to 10PM. And I have had booty calls scheduled in the afternoon (they were exempt from being sex dates cos there was no requisite date part of movie/dinner/coffee).

I recently received an SMS from this one dude I made the mistake of sleeping with once. He keeps asking me where I am and what I'm doing at around 11 PM on a weekend. Come on! I'm either purposely at home or out having fun. If you wanna fuck just say so. Jeez, you're the one with the dangling balls. Be as obvious as them and ask. I'd probably still say no though.

If I send you a message past 2AM, its probably cos I was drunk. Several moronic things have been brought about in this way. The final surrender to H. The angry messages sent to H. The angry messages sent to Xn. The stupid messages sent to V. The stupid messages sent to Speedfucker. In fact almost all the most stupid messages in the world are sent in the period between 2AM to 5AM.

They are also the most sincere. Now if they were just coherent and well crafted enough to be believable and not disregarded.

It is cunning. Hiding behind masks. Showing less of my colors. And playing. I miss the playing most of all. The sex is easy as always. Offers come and are turned down. The real goal is to play. None of the recent items on the playlist will provide that.

Dangerous Liaisons made me realize this. The joy of cunning and deceit and cruelty. To be truly evil I must cut out my heart. And remove that which weakens me. Play with the intention of winning.

Sometimes you get the craving for different things, something new. Most people use this as an reason against monogamy. But it can be an excuse for it too.

That craving I get right now is the craving for someone to listen to me. Someone there to validate my existence and experiences by being there for me. Someone who will always be available. And these are the worst reasons for wanting to be in a relationship.

O once told me that H can become needy because he's used to having a girlfriend. This was the time when O and I were still close. When H was confusing me because of his conflicting words and actions. When he constantly needed me and wanted to see me and talk to me and be with me.

Attention is simply one of the worst reasons to get into a relationship. It's simply using someone because you need someone to always be there. It's filling a void in your life with another human being. And I am very much against it.

This is why I hate the feeling I have right now. It just sucks ass.

Must get the chance to use this line from Mark Millar's Wanted (the comic book not the movie):

Take it easy you little faggot. You really think I'm gonna lose the life support for that penis I been using lately?

And yes, it does perfectly describe the concern in fuck buddy relationships.

Of course we've all probably met them. Those guys who have natural habitats and tactics. Those who can't venture beyond their circle where they are king and alpha male and leader of the tribe. Those who easily get threatened.

One such person is O. I've noticed that he tends to diminish the importance of rejections and play up his successes. He always has a reason, an excuse, why he can't get with a girl. And he always teases me that he already gave me 2 when I haven't been able to get him to score with any of my friends.

I let him forget how he detested the idea of me hooking up with his friends. How cold he was to me when V and I hooked up in his presence. How he tried to defuse the H bomb. And how confusing he became after I hooked up with both.

Instead I remind him that I have no control over my friends and neither does he. Though he let the things with V and H run their course, he didn't exactly help. So I just continue introducing him to friends. And I tell him to do his thing.

I refuse to believe he has no charisma because I have seen it at work a couple of times. But the times when he gets all fake and tries too hard is extremely difficult to watch. He literally goes down in flames because he just messes it all up. Now, I've been hearing evil things about him:

1. He has been setting up dinners/lunches/coffee with my friends telling them I'd be there. And he never tells me about them, I always hear about these things from my friends. Hello?! He had done this three times.
   
2. He has claimed he won't hook up with one of our common friends. We recently realized we both knew her and it was kinda weird how the world had gotten small. He mentioned that she seemed naughty, and I agreed while making it clear that she was completely unattractive to me. He claims that he won't yet he has apparently made the offers already. Dude! Never fuck down! If you're going to cheat on your gf, do it with someone hotter!
3. He had been setting up threesomes in my behalf without my knowledge. With the unattractive girl mentioned above.

Despite all the fuckery me and this guy has been up to, I do consider him a friend. So this depresses me when I think that someday I am going to have to throw down his ass because of his shenanigans. Well it doesn't depress me too much, not like it used to before. I guess I'm coming to terms he is a bit of a loser.

Having sexual relations with someone for a prolonged period of time can bring about a sense of companionship. There are some things that are said in bed. Certain things are confided while cuddling together on a bed in an air conditioned room. Talking before and in between rounds can bring about an idea of camaraderie. A false idea.

There is a reason why two people are fuck buddies and not friends or dating or anything other than just mere lovers. This is because while you are comfortable with sharing the sexual and physical aspect of your lives, there are still certain restrictions when it comes to your lives.

So yes, I may like to believe that my FB will be there for me and that I will be there for him. But essentially, when push comes to shove, you just don't want or expect any friendship from fuck buddies. Sure an occasional "hi, hello, how are you doing?" is expected. But anything heavier than that is harder.

Most people know that my extended affair with H has led to several misconceptions and massive heartache (boo-hoo!). But now, I'm coming to terms with the fact that much as I want to believe we are friends, we are merely two people who like to fuck each other.

Sure I like listening to his problems. And yes, when he is available, he listens to mine (but I really would rather not tell him come to think of it). In spite of all this, when push comes to shove, we are merely periphery characters in each others lives. Neither essential to the other. And no, it's not anyone's fault or anyone's choice really. It is merely because that's the way things are.

So in this time of his life when I would like to comfort him the best I can, I content myself with sending 2 SMS messages expressing my concern. Much as I would like to do more, I am satisfied that he knows I will be exactly where I am if he wants/needs me. Those two and the fact that I am a bit busy these days.

Fucking friends is something I sort of like doing. By fucking friends, I don't mean friends who I fuck or people I have sexual relations with. By fucking friends, I mean I fuck guys who happen to be friends. And yeah, I kind of get off on it.

This has happened twice recently. Once with the Den boys and the other with the Little Boys. I fucked 3 out of the 4 main boys of Den. With the Little Boys, evil Bv claims the break up of the friendship was my fault. I mean, I did fuck Ry first, then made a point of groping him as much as I could. Then I tried Cc, the younger one and he enjoyed groping me as often as he could. This apparently caused a rift in the friendship. Though I'm not sure if it was because of me sleeping with Cc or Cc flaunting it or both of them being afraid because they knew each other's girlfriends.

With the boys of Den, the choice was particularly easy and unecessary. In the beginning, I was fooling around with O, then he introduced me to his friend H, then his friend V. In that scenario I didn't really have to choose. O was in a relationship. V fucked me one last time after seeing me on a date with H then he got into a relationship. About a month after I stopped dating him, H went back to his ex.

O always maintained that he didn't want to actually all-the-way sleep with me because I might end up with one of his friends, and he'd have to go away because of it. We never really stopped fooling around though, but things did get a bit distant when I was seeing H. I guess cos he saw how into H I was.

I had thought the amusing chatter we have might eventually turn into a fuck frenzy. Repressed emotions and all that. He did consistently bug me for a hook up, but it all ended pretty abruptly. The funny amusing late night chats ended. The answer came way later. He'd figured out I was seeing H again. Sucks.

Over time, I've discovered that cheating is a touchy subject to discuss with men. I have helped several of them cheat for some time and have probably had some cheat on me too. But the cheating rules some men live by are still confusing for me. And no one can seem to explain them to me.

1. Sex isn't cheating because there are no feelings involved.
2. Getting a blowjob isn't cheating.
3. Finger fucking a girl so you can relive it later in your masturbatory fantasies isn't cheating.
4. If you don't kiss a girl it isn't cheating.
5. If it's someone you were sleeping with before you and your girlfriend became a couple it isn't cheating.
6. If the girl asks for it it isn't your fault and you aren't cheating, you are just weak.
7. As long as your partner doesn't find out, it isn't cheating.
8. Never go down on a fling, cunnilingus is reserved for your partner.
9. Having sexually explicit conversations on ym or text is ok as long as you don't act on it and you just fantasize about it.
10. If you only do it once in a while, it isn't cheating.

If there's anyone there who can explain to me how any of this constitutes not cheating, please let me know. Or, maybe it's a mater of, "it's not my fault, I'm only human."

In any case, I still don't get it. But I might adopt these at a later point in life. Hehe.

In one of our little PPFH (Playa Playa From the Himalaya) projects, we decided to create the Player's Code. It contains a list of rules for players to use. One of the things I contributed to that list is " There are no taboos". Of course with the silently appended "unless you find them icky".

That comes to mind now in lieu of recent events. What is the bond exactly between common friends? If the boyfriend of your close friend's best friend wants to sleep with you, would you? The girl in question is nice, though we haven't seen each other in a while. Come to think of it, I think she still owes me some cash. We weren't that close since we didn't get to hang out a lot.

The guy is semi-cute, younger, and seems very eager to fuck. I think he's in one of those, "I'm really really horny so I'll check the nearest available woman I can fuck." I'm not sure if I wanna fuck him though. But I do want to play.

There are no taboos.

I really believe in saying/doing/feeling whatever I want. And I don't believe these thoughts should be suppressed so here it goes:

• what the fuck am i gonna do with all the cheezy songs I downloaded for you? (delete it)
  
• the playlist i created for your mixed CD would've been great!
  
• i was gonna teach you the biting thing next
• i haven't even swallowed your cum yet :(
• but i am hotter than her
• i wanted to tell you something about your penis...
• sex was good but not that good
• does this mean i can give the bags to my mom?
• i wanted to take care of you
• i hope you still try to clean your room
• i liked it when you were taking care of me
• i liked it better when you were just a voice on the phone
• next time you have an affair, try ending it better
• i wanted to improve your taste in music...
• ...and in movies...
• ...and in clothes...
• i'm really not as much of a spoiled brat as you think i am
• i do think you should go back to school
• you're a nice boy, don't cheat
• i still don't believe in religion
• i kinda flinched whenever you prayed before eating, i was wondering where the hell i found you and why the hell i kept you around
  
• it was nice that you sang for/to me, that hasn't happened in a while
• i will try to sing videoke more
• i wanted to mother you
• i am still going to grow my hair longer though
• you were stifling me
• you had to ask me thrice who i was talking to?
• i am tempted to tell you to look for me when you're single, but i know i will never really take you seriously...
• ...i probably would have cheated on you...
• ...i was kind of looking forward to cheating on you actually...
• ...i felt i wanted to teach you a lesson...
  
• you should be flattered
• i think your lisp is cute
• you were...average
• making out with you in public was nice
• you pretend to be nice, when you're actually not
• you did end up making me miserable...just for a little while though
• i curse you, you will...everyone does
• you were right, you didn't deserve me
• you reminded me of my ex...
• ...and A...
• ...and kinda like Cc...
• ...but i did like you
• for no reason at all
• i was going to make you sooo good in bed
  

And yes, yes, the circle of life. I am familiar with the movie the Lion King. I know what it means. I have the quintessential Disney soundtrack album downloaded (I know, so uncharacteristic right?).

Yes, also like the gin commercial: Bilog ang Mundo (the world is round).

So why do I say this? Because I am almost exactly where I am after I ended it with H. We-eell...not really.

There was no semi-drunken I'm-such-a-dirty-slut mode. There was no overdose of Amy Winehouse songs (hmm...may have substituted that this time for Duffy, with her 'I won't be your mistress anymore' songs). And no, I have not gone on major shopping trip, mostly because I am a bit low on funds. I barely know if I've been hysterical and depressed constantly because of Ak or of the fact I am abandoned with a mountain load of work to do. The lines get blurred sometimes.

I am a chronic escapist, plus I don't often trust my emotions. And I play-act. That plus many of my other flaws (trust issues, penchant for unavailable men, obsessive-compulsive/borderline disorder) makes it hard for me to know how I feel exactly. I mean, how the hell difficult was it for me to decide to gun for Ak right? Oh please, ultra-femme fickleness.

But when you start to get addicted to songs with lyrics such as these...

Stepping Stone
by Duffy

I rememeber way back way back when
I said i never wanna see your face again
Cause you were loving yes you were loving somebody else
And i knew oh yes i knew i couldn't control myself
And now they bring you back into my life again
And so i put on a face just like your friends
But i think you know oh yes you know whats going on
Cause the feelings in me oh yes in me are burning strong

...how the hell can you not think about an old lover who has a girlfriend?! Then the resolve kicks in during the chorus of the same song...


...so yes, my predictions that this whole trip would be over after the weekend was right. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. And I got laid. With H no less. Who recently broke up with his girlfriend (yes, which means we cheated on her the last couple of times we hooked up.sigh.)

So why is life a circle? I am where I was before Ak arrived to fuck it all up. Admittedly it wasn't all his fault. I kinda wanted him to fuck it all up. I wanted to feel something different for a change. Think of it as bungee jumping . It's something stupid, unnecessary yet completely exhilarating.

I admit I wanted to jump. Not because I had to. Not because I felt it was the only course of action I could take. But because it was different from not jumping.

So the emo mode ensued. I was a bit despondent. Didn't indulge in black chocolate and milk though, like the last time. I cried. I think it was because of Ak and not despair at my approaching deadline. I felt like I was going crazy. Thinking about him.

Then I decided I don't give a fuck about anything else. I was going out. And I did. And got some drinks. Ended up with H. Again.

And it was like the reset button was hit. I didn't know the button was hidden aaaaall the way inside... But it was.

Fuck sex is great with H.

Oh and Ak? The weekend is over. And as predicted. Not hurting anymore.

So. I've been decided on the Ak issue. By Ak I mean that boy I was kinda seeing. That boy I had sort of decided I'd pursue actively despite his girlfriend. The boy who I kinda wanted to make the stupid decision for.

First I was confused about whether I would go after him. But then... I decided I would. Then I decided I wouldn't. Then I decided I'd just go with the flow. Then I decided I didn't want to be his mistress anymore. Then at the first sign that he wanted me back (after about 3 days) I went to him. Then I decided I was gunning for it. Then he disappeared.

It all started with him not doing my bidding. Not coming when I asked him to. Despite me pulling all the stops. Which upset me. Then he called after a couple of days hoping to catch me at work. But I wasn't available. Then...silence.

Silence.

Despite text messages that ask him, tell him and basically caress him into seeing me.

Silence.

Then I hear he's just been staying in. That it seems he's gotten caught by the girlfriend.

I check myself. Nope. Not that upset. Missing him of course. Yet not that upset.

Then out of the blue. A phone call. Asking some random thing. Stupid. Casual. I woke up from my nap. Disoriented. Kinda surprised/worried/excited that it was him.

He was...casual. No terms of endearment this time. Just a question. Then he hangs up. I send him an SMS teasing him about his ways.

Then he calls back. Assures me that the reason he couldn't talk was because he was busy. He was getting a haircut. I tease him about not being around then suddenly appearing again. I don't remember how he brushed the topic off. He says he has to hang up and he'll talk to me later.

I send him another SMS. Tease him about going missing.

Silence.

Sent him another message. After wrestling with myself, I decide to ask him why he went missing. I ask if he was in trouble. A clear opening for him to tell me he can't see me anymore because he got caught.

Silence.

Silence.

In the end I tell him to never bother me again.

Here are some of the reasons why I think he called:

1. He really had an important reason for asking me said random casual question. He called back because he wanted to assure me he wasn't avoiding me because...? I dunno. Any statement here aside from the dubious 'he wants to be friends' scenario doesn't fit. Why would he call back to reassure me that he didn't have time to talk but wanted to?
2. He called to ask said question because I would know the answer and he thinks we're ok. He called back for same reason.
3. He called because he misses the sound of my voice. He called back to reassure me that he'll call me again...some day.
4. He called because he knew that he had a hold on me and he wants me fucked up.

There are also these reasons why he didn't reply to my messages or call me back:

1. He became busy.
2. Girlfriend was with him
3. He was too scared to take the hint I left him. He didn't want to say it was over because he was scared of hurting my feelings.
4. He didn't want to end things because he wanted to be able to come back when and if he wanted to.
5. He just didn't think a reply was necessary.

Either way. These reasons just mean he's either a moron or an asshole. And really if those are the only two choices. Then what's the fucking point.

I meant what I said in the SMS though.

Stay The Fuck Away. We are NOT friends. We were LOVERS. Who had an AFFAIR. Let's be specific and just end it. Then I can move forward.

You were right when you said you didn't deserve me. I am too good for you. And I'll prove you right in approximately 7 months. Wait for it.

Wait this sounds eviler than I actually want it to be. Ok I'm still hung up about the sudden disappearance of that dude. And yes I'm kinda bored and I need a break from work so I want to write. However, my main point is: you are too weak for me. I think everyone knew that you. You. Me. Our friends.

It was apparent. Though I let you bully me sometimes. Everyone knew who was stronger. Me.

You were like an incarnation of X. An incarnation I could wipe the floor with. Mainly because though you are cute and sweet and young... you weren't my type.

Ok, what I really want to say to you?

Dear Old Lover,

I am glad you finally made a choice. And I hope you will stick to it. Because I will give in to sex. Always. Even I make a stupid "I don't wanna be your mistress anymore," statement. I'll still fuck you. There is history there. And I have never turned down a good fuck. So stick to it. Let's never see each other again. Promise?

Yep. Searched all the major heart valves, ventricles, arteries, chambers. Heart not broken. All ok. Pride...a little bruised. Yet not that upset. Let him do what he will. And so will I.

Ok. So I made a mistake. I overestimated the hold I had on him. It has now been 1 week and 5 days since we last fucked. So in my mind, this means we're no longer seeing each other. And I have confirmation you've just been avoiding me.

I am actually surprised that this anti-climactic end has not affected me in greater ways. I mean I did like him. I think. I did want him. Definitely. Yet now, I seem to not care that he's away.

Maybe because MMG (my moral guardian, yes a man actually stands as my last defense) was insightful enough to recognize: you don't like him, you're just fascinated.

Yep, fascinated. With the thought, the wonder, the maybe of it all. The possibilities were better than the actual thing. The 'what if?' of something. Something that wouldn't even have lasted a year.

I know us that well baby. I know we don't fit long term. But I still hate it that you disengaged first. Jean Grey always does the leaving. Damn I should've jumped the gun.

But I wanted to see how far things could go. Though I did go all emo-batshit before over this motherfucker, seems that now I've regained my senses and seen the light. Thoughts turn again to my main goal. My main evil goal to be exact.

I always believed vengeance is one of the best motivators in the world. You end up being successful, gorgeous and insanely rich and envy ensues. Be everything all the others can't be.

I have a long list of people to look at when I reach the top. He just got added to the list. One evil goal: make ex-lovers and haters filled with regret.

The program starts now.