Bitchicisms

Been almost 2 years since my last post. The reason for my disappearance currently escapes me. All I know is, at the time: given the choice between having sex and writing about it, I chose the former.

One of the things that suck about being a Bender-mocked meatbag is coming up with the really great lines after the moment has passed. This sucks doubly hard if you consider yourself a writer (case in point: me). You can come up with great lines on page, but not live. I always hated that about me. Until I realized that when I started being wittier live, I started being a bit duller on the page. But I still generally have this dilemma.

I was only recently able to say my killer lines in person. One was "Just because you fucked me, you think we're close?" said to Cc. He was sharing some inane thing and saying how he felt close to me. I just had to retaliate.

The other was said to a fucker who still keeps saying thank you (literally) for every fucking orgasm. I told him, "Thanks for coming, please come again." I tried to do it in the Apu-voice like Kumar does in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle but I couldn't manage it post-sex (My voice was hoarse from all the fucking moaning and groaning).

The last was said recently. Ry is scared of me. He's apparently always been. So I included him in my text roulette. He replies without knowing who I was. When I said it was me, I stopped texting. Then I said, "Little Boy, do I scare you?" His reply seconds later was a roundabout "Nah".

With proper time management/scheduling and pacing, text roulette rocks as a fucking tool. Literally, a tool for fucking.

I find it kind of sucky that some men really think they can claim some sort of ownership when there is clearly none. Especially when the last tenuous ties that supposedly bind have long been severed.

One morning, woke up prior to my normal waking hours to find One Missed Call. Similar to the horror movie by the same name, I totally ignored it. It was from a dude I used to sleep with. And apparently, still sleep with occasionally.

Our common friend told me that that ex-whatever (I was his mistress so he was my what? ex-lover? ex-enabled cheater?) had visited him early that morning. At around the same time the one missed call was registered. So I asked common friend if that was why ex-whatever called. Common friend told me it was because ex-whatever didn't have his new number. So I laid it to rest.

Then I receive calls from ex-whatever one early morning. I was a little amused cos he was cute and...well...amusing to fuck. There's this sheen of innocence on him that remains no matter how many times he's spent inside me. I love dirtying that patina of youthful naivete.

I was also amused because I was drinking with someone else. By that I mean, a man I was maybe, kinda, going to fuck. Ex-whatever kept calling and calling. I already texted him that I was drinking and still, not getting the message, he called again. Finally, I disentangled myself from the conversation with a hurried and apologetic smile and a "sorry, I have to take this call."

Ex-whatever immediately asked where "we" were. He assumed I was with Common Friend. I think Ex-whatever was supposed to meet Common Friend who was, as usual, inexplicably absent. I responded to the question by reiterating my "I'm drinking" SMS.

Further questions followed.

"Are you with Common Friend?"
"No."
"Do you know where he is?"
"I think he's with his gf."
"Why aren't they here ?"
"I don't know."
"Where are you?"
"I'm drinking."
"Aren't you going?"
"I told them to text me when they were going to the wake they didn't."

It all ended with a curt "Ok, enjoy your drinking."

I did text common friend to tell him that so-and-so was looking for him. I didn't receive any reply either from the wanker Common Friend. I went back to drinks. The Dude asked if I had to go. I said no, it was just some wanker looking for another wanker.

I'm horribly, terribly, insanely busy. Which directly conflicts with the fact that this makes me bored. I am too bored to fuck. I am too bored to masturbate. I am even too bored to flirt. Sometimes I am too bored to move.

I swear to myself the wane of my libido is not a sign of depression. And I promise that the minute even food or cigarettes hold no interest for me I will get checked by a psychiatrist.

Sometimes you get the craving for different things, something new. Most people use this as an reason against monogamy. But it can be an excuse for it too.

That craving I get right now is the craving for someone to listen to me. Someone there to validate my existence and experiences by being there for me. Someone who will always be available. And these are the worst reasons for wanting to be in a relationship.

O once told me that H can become needy because he's used to having a girlfriend. This was the time when O and I were still close. When H was confusing me because of his conflicting words and actions. When he constantly needed me and wanted to see me and talk to me and be with me.

Attention is simply one of the worst reasons to get into a relationship. It's simply using someone because you need someone to always be there. It's filling a void in your life with another human being. And I am very much against it.

This is why I hate the feeling I have right now. It just sucks ass.

Why am I not horny?!?!? I haven't had sex in several several weeks and the urge is not there. Is this growing up? Is this focusing on work? That has never stopped me before. Has someone been slipping me sexual inhibitors in my water?! Have I been neutered/lobotomized in my sleep? Is this the effect of prolonged exposure to my laptop?!?!

What's wrong with me!?!?

I've recently been reading on the Mystery Method. It's a method for pick up artists. And as my typical obsessive geeky behavior dictates, I started reading up on it as much as I can. I'm learning lots of new terms and styles that I can use to my advantage. I've also learned that men have been using parts of it on me with success for some time now.

Then a friend of mine gave my number, admittedly with my consent, to some dude. Some dude who's style of getting laid is to text me at odd hours and ask if I was busy, or if my mom was at home so he could come over. Now keep in mind that I had never met this man. He was a total stranger. I don't even know what he looks like.

I'd endured this for some time because it was a bit nice. And everyone knows I like having open options. But then it sounded a bit desperate when he stated, twice, that he was horny and that he wanted to go to my house. There were no offers of beer or even a pretense of anything but sex. And it perplexed me and disturbed me that he was willing to do this with someone he hadn't even met. It reeked of low value.

So after I called him out on his perviness I explained to him what I thought. That the game doesn't work that way. It's not simply fucking as many as you can; that makes you a whore. The game doesn't work that way. You don't reveal all your cards and evil intent immediately. If the prize is worth it, you play for it. Inch by inch and mile by mile you play for it cos its worth it.

It's not even that you want a relationship with this person. It's just that you want to fuck them more than once. Because they are worth keeping. Because they are worth it. Because they're hot and charming and funny. And what use is playing if it's not worth the prize.

Little newbie moron told me he didn't like playing games and he wanted it straight to the point. I told him I liked games cos it was more fun. I also told him he probably didn't think I was worth playing for cos he was rushing it. He said he knew I was which was why he offered, and that I was the one who turned him down. So maybe I thought he wasn't worth it. I said he didn't even give the game a chance to unfold and he rushed it. So I could never give him the fuck of his life.

Good riddance to a newbie.

In one of our little PPFH (Playa Playa From the Himalaya) projects, we decided to create the Player's Code. It contains a list of rules for players to use. One of the things I contributed to that list is " There are no taboos". Of course with the silently appended "unless you find them icky".

That comes to mind now in lieu of recent events. What is the bond exactly between common friends? If the boyfriend of your close friend's best friend wants to sleep with you, would you? The girl in question is nice, though we haven't seen each other in a while. Come to think of it, I think she still owes me some cash. We weren't that close since we didn't get to hang out a lot.

The guy is semi-cute, younger, and seems very eager to fuck. I think he's in one of those, "I'm really really horny so I'll check the nearest available woman I can fuck." I'm not sure if I wanna fuck him though. But I do want to play.

There are no taboos.

So. I've been decided on the Ak issue. By Ak I mean that boy I was kinda seeing. That boy I had sort of decided I'd pursue actively despite his girlfriend. The boy who I kinda wanted to make the stupid decision for.

First I was confused about whether I would go after him. But then... I decided I would. Then I decided I wouldn't. Then I decided I'd just go with the flow. Then I decided I didn't want to be his mistress anymore. Then at the first sign that he wanted me back (after about 3 days) I went to him. Then I decided I was gunning for it. Then he disappeared.

It all started with him not doing my bidding. Not coming when I asked him to. Despite me pulling all the stops. Which upset me. Then he called after a couple of days hoping to catch me at work. But I wasn't available. Then...silence.

Silence.

Despite text messages that ask him, tell him and basically caress him into seeing me.

Silence.

Then I hear he's just been staying in. That it seems he's gotten caught by the girlfriend.

I check myself. Nope. Not that upset. Missing him of course. Yet not that upset.

Then out of the blue. A phone call. Asking some random thing. Stupid. Casual. I woke up from my nap. Disoriented. Kinda surprised/worried/excited that it was him.

He was...casual. No terms of endearment this time. Just a question. Then he hangs up. I send him an SMS teasing him about his ways.

Then he calls back. Assures me that the reason he couldn't talk was because he was busy. He was getting a haircut. I tease him about not being around then suddenly appearing again. I don't remember how he brushed the topic off. He says he has to hang up and he'll talk to me later.

I send him another SMS. Tease him about going missing.

Silence.

Sent him another message. After wrestling with myself, I decide to ask him why he went missing. I ask if he was in trouble. A clear opening for him to tell me he can't see me anymore because he got caught.

Silence.

Silence.

In the end I tell him to never bother me again.

Here are some of the reasons why I think he called:

1. He really had an important reason for asking me said random casual question. He called back because he wanted to assure me he wasn't avoiding me because...? I dunno. Any statement here aside from the dubious 'he wants to be friends' scenario doesn't fit. Why would he call back to reassure me that he didn't have time to talk but wanted to?
2. He called to ask said question because I would know the answer and he thinks we're ok. He called back for same reason.
3. He called because he misses the sound of my voice. He called back to reassure me that he'll call me again...some day.
4. He called because he knew that he had a hold on me and he wants me fucked up.

There are also these reasons why he didn't reply to my messages or call me back:

1. He became busy.
2. Girlfriend was with him
3. He was too scared to take the hint I left him. He didn't want to say it was over because he was scared of hurting my feelings.
4. He didn't want to end things because he wanted to be able to come back when and if he wanted to.
5. He just didn't think a reply was necessary.

Either way. These reasons just mean he's either a moron or an asshole. And really if those are the only two choices. Then what's the fucking point.

I meant what I said in the SMS though.

Stay The Fuck Away. We are NOT friends. We were LOVERS. Who had an AFFAIR. Let's be specific and just end it. Then I can move forward.

One of the things I hate about being someone's mistress is th song "Lips of an Angel by Hinder". Of course I know I have the lyrics of the song posted somewhere in this site. But the fascination with that song lasted til I became a mistress again. i mean honestly, I'd very much prefer hearing "Don'tCha".

Yes I said 'again'. Moralists beware! Morally bankrupt woman on the lose! Aw fuck it. Really who cares? Well, some would argue the women I was helping cheat on. Well yeah. Them. I remember now. But then again. All's fair. And this is war.

So. I was a mistress about... hmm... twice before. Those were affairs. I'm not counting the ones where I just fucked guys who were in relationships. That was just fucking. Sometimes unintentionally. Because in my mind, I'd rather not know. And I always thought that guys who flirted with girls were naturally single. And, well, really, I'd just rather not know.

Affairs are different from one night stands and fuck buddy relationships. For one main reason. There's some kind of emotional involvement in affairs. There's an expectation. Not necessarily that you'll end up being the girlfriend. Just the expectation that what you do will be reciprocated.

I've been in four affairs discounting the one I seem to be in (if I still am, which i doubt). Three of those were with men who were in relationships, one, with H, just seemed like a nice love/lust affair that we called 'dating'.

They rarely if ever turn out good. Some will say karma, some will say lack of trust, who knows really. One of my love affairs happened because silly little girl me rejected the offer of a relationship only to regret it. The other love affair ended because I decided I couldn't handle being with someone who wanted me to be weak...or maybe because being in love with him scared the shit out of me.

So why am I, or was I, in one again? He was sweet. And he wormed his way into my consciousness. He had me used to him so that despite complaints I'd actually associated him with my days.

Then he disappears. Doesn't call, doesn't text. Disappears. It could be he got caught and is reforming his ways. It could be he's just busy. It could be that he's trying to make things up with his girlfriend cos he's been flaking on their things to prioritize me. It could be he's just playing a game. It could be that he's just waiting for things to cool off because he knows I'm mad.

But then again the bottom line is: I don't want to think about why. Which is the other thing I really hate about being a mistress. Which is why I never wanted to be one in the first place.

Why am I one then? Well, I might have to change that.

The world's been chaotic lately. A whirlwind of men and boys and working. Everything's just insanely mashed up.

H is now single. Meaning those two times we ended up hooking up I was fucking someone who was in a relationship. Not that that was anything new for me. I've fucked before I looked several times before, often to find out that I had just been a party to cheating.

What upset me was that when we first started going out he told me that he wasn't a cheater. But then he also told me that he didn't want a relationship and that if he wanted one it'd be with me. Then he ended up back with his ex.

Now he's single again. But then there really is nothing there.

I am now in a bigger rut with Ak who I've been a pushover for. Then the one time I really wanted to see him he turned me down.

Maybe I am just being bratty. But I really should think this whole "gunning for Ak" thing over.

Fickle minded me.

But if I think I can't win, I won't fight.