Bitchicisms

One of my favorite movies is the classic When Harry Met Sally.



I think it's a beautiful story with a talented cast (when Meg Ryan was still America's Sweetheart and before Billy Crystal was a supporting cast to Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson). But I think it's given some people the wrong idea about men and women friends.

In a scene, Billy Crystal says that men and women can never be friends because they'll always want to sleep with each other. Then again, that's not what really ends a friendship. What ends a friendship is when one of them don't want to sleep with the other, and the other still keeps pushing it.

I've severed friendships with men more than once because they tried to sneak attack my pants by using the mythical friend shortcut. But, you can sleep with a friend and not end the friendship. It doesn't even have to result in a relationship.

A couple of nights ago, I hooked up with a good friend. He's one of those guys that I rarely see, but often talk with. I've always invited him to my birthday, and I've helped him celebrate his. We joke a lot, we've hit on each other once or twice when we were drunk and we swap sex stories.

I barely remember how it happened. All I know was I was drinking on his tab and my friend had already left. He hadn't spotted an interesting girl enter the bar and my attempts to flirt with one of the bartenders I used to fuck were meeting unsatisfactory results.

My friend and I simultaneously decided to go home. We got a cab, no resistance from either party that we got the same one. We went to his place, distracted with conversation. We entered the door, I took off my boots and suddenly we were having sex.

It felt a bit weird cos we were such good friends. I remember him once saying that he thought of me as a little sister and we were laughing at someone I used to date who was terribly jealous of him. But we had sex... good sex... objectively good sex. We even joked and slept on different sides of the bed (no cuddling).

I texted him the next day, "As your friend, I must say, you're quite good."

He replied, "Coming from you, that's a huge compliment."

Sudden sex, no awkward-dinners and no new-year-party-climax. Friendship still on. And now I know how he gets laid so much. He's pretty fuckin' good.

They say men are obsessed with quantity. Well, that and size. It's all about who has more, and who has it bigger. But they don't apply the same principles to women.

One late, boring night at the office, I got stuck with 2 men. As is wont to do when I'm around, the conversation got to sex. Contrary to most porn movies, we did not end up in a threesome where they Eiffel-Towered me. Instead they ended up shocked and awed when I told them my number.

I've had sex with 32 guys. That's 32 men, not 32 times. I started when I was 18 and never looked back. I keep a list of who I've slept with so that I never miss a name. Some of the names on the list I'd almost forgotten, and barely remember the encounter. Some of them I've mentioned several times on this blog because they're so good (or bad) in bed.

I should've known it was a mistake to bring numbers up. I'd only asked because I'd assume they would have more than 5 (the number which they both gave). They'd seemed so adventurous, surpassing me in the "where's the strangest place you've done it" round.

But they were both shocked to pieces when I gave my number (which is in fact 8x the global average according to the last Durex worldwide sex survey). They appeared to have never met a woman with that number, one even said that he once scolded an ex because she'd slept with 5 guys.

But really, if you've been having sex for 9 years, 32 only comes up to 3 1/2 men a year on average. It's not that much.

I know I sound apologetic. But I've been concerned about this number before. I'm afraid my number makes me...well...strange. And I've always been afraid that this strangeness is bad. I've never aimed to go for 32, even if I'd occasionally played at aiming to have at least one entry for each letter in the alphabet (but I seem to have a penchant for meeting men with the same name at the same time).

Sometimes I fear that my number shows on my face. That it makes me too slutty. Or that I'm too obvious. But I realize, strange isn't bad. There is nothing wrong with 32. I don't particularly regret any of them, and even my sexual mistakes were made on my own terms. I've never been shy about getting laid if I wanted, and it's saved me years of sexual frustration.

Having sex with over 32 men (I'm not dead yet, and will probably be adding) is not a problem. As long as I don't tell the wrong people about it.

One of the things I really don't like doing is making out in a car. I can't stretch out. I can't move without bumping into something. Unless its an SUV, a small car really can't contain the wide array of actions and emotions I like displaying during sex. Also, I'm loud, so I tend to get caught.

It is almost the one seemingly normal sex-related cliche I won't do. Except I have, literally, never full-on made-out in a movie house. And no, I don't want to either. (One weiner dude always likes to say that I don't like doing something because I never had anyone to do it with. Yes, he is the type who likes to imagine my life began when I met him. And yes, he is an asshole.)

I receive a random message from someone. He wants to drop by and see me since we weren't able to meet up for coffee earlier. He was going to the area so he just wanted to chat. I agreed. I figured he was in a hurry so I didn't change. I was in a plain shirt and short shorts.

He arrived and we chatted amiably for a bit. It all seemed like the random friendly thing to do. Until he started harassing me.

I've been on this whole frame of mind recently where I like to platonic the shit out of everyone, particularly the guys I have things with. Mostly it also has to do with the success of that one endeavor in the nice girl realm.

He appeared perplexed that I was resisting. Asked if I was seeing anyone seriously. Asked if I was focusing on work. I said no both times. Then he put his hands in my shorts and started masturbating me.

As usual, I couldn't moan too loud. Or else we could get caught. We were parked basically a couple of blocks from my house. It would have been a horribly unfortunate thing to have gotten caught.

I covered my own mouth and writhed on the seat. He wouldn't stop so I just let him. After I came, I gave him a blowjob. I'd only sucked on his cock for about 1 minute when he stopped me. I was "what?" And he was all "I think I'm gonna come already."

I raised an eyebrow. He pushed me back down. He came after another 30 seconds. Yes, it was that fast. Later he said how unfair it was that it took me so long to finish and it took him so fast. I didn't remind him that he still had a hard cock in his pants after his orgasm.

He joked, "I have a condom." I smiled. "And?"

But, being in a rush, he took me home. I told him as I exited the car, "next time, if you have rubber, let's use it." Walked to my house, a little conscious that my shorts were moist and my hair was tousled.

I'd recently hung out with a couple of dudes recently. These were formerly known as the boys. And yep, they were back in my life for a while. Until they weren't again when they disappeared in a ball of flame and light.

So I got to talk a little to Cc. Who was now going through tough times cos one of his friends ended up with his girlfriend. He was a bit depressed about it, but it seemed like he was finally going to get over it.

We were all on our way out/home. He started spritzing some cologne that was lying around. The minute he started spraying copious amounts of it on himself, I recognized the scent. That was the cologne that Ak used. Those few (none) familiar with my timelines may remember that Ak was the one I chose one night over Ry and Cc. Even if no one else remembers, apparently, Cc does.

When I started joking to Cc to stay away from me cos he smelled like Ak, he actually came nearer. I said, "ok, come here and let me sniff you". He did stand beside me as I sniffed him and smiled. On cue, Cc started to make fun of Ak. It started with mimicry and the assessment that Ak's actions were completely gay. To which I smiled, "he so isn't gay."

Maybe Cc is bumbed cos I had also recently chosen Ry instead of him. I mean, even with Ak out of the picture, I still chose Ry. Ry who isn't pretty but has a body to die for.

Cc seems to like competing. We were all on our way somewhere and I was in the back seat of a cab sandwiched between Cc and Ry. My hands were already on Ry's crotch, something he tried to hide with his laptop bag. As we were all on our way out of the cab, Cc tried to pull me back in and ask for a kiss. I mostly laughed and pulled away. Was that embarassing for him? I mean, it was pretty obvious he was out of the race already as I'd made my choice. Ry may not be pretty but his body is drool-inducing....and he's more challenging.

Did you ever get those friends who were stunningly curious about your sex life? As in overly curious? As in continuously asks you to repeat details no matter when, even when none of you are drunk and the sun is shining bright? Isn't it a little creepy? Especially when they declare they have plans for your ass or orgy cherry?

Well. I had a friend like that. He's still there, I just don't consider him my friend anymore. If it isn't obvious yet, well, he is very very dense.

I never got what it was with people asking about my sex or love life. I never asked about theirs, except to keep me abreast of issues I knew about. Like, if they were still broken up so I can introduce her to others...or if the rash had cleared...or the abortion was successful. Mostly because the visual image of friends having sex grossed and creeped me out.

It was a number of factors. They were my friends. And I loved them as siblings. When I watch people having sex I either get turned on or grossed out. Those are the only two choices. Naturally, when its people I know the tendency is to say eww.

Also, some of my friends have unattractive boyfriends and partners. Its just...no...If I have to imagine people having sex, I'd rather they be hot people having wild monkey sex. I know ugly people fuck too (or there wouldn't be so many of them) but please don't put the pictures in my head. I can't even close my eyes to shut it off, cos its being projected straight to my brain.

One dude liked to imagine I got turned on when he told me stories about him fucking girls. I don't really remember asking him to tell me about them, I just listened cos he was buying my drinks. He said one time, arrogantly and ignorantly "You're getting turned on, aren't you?" And all I could say was "No" with a grimace on my face. He didn't notice and just smiled smugly. That one likes to delude himself with very big illusions of grandeur.

Recent talks with girl friends baffle me. Why is everyone so concerned that I am not in a relationship? Is it simply not enough to say that I don't feel like one? Is it typically unacceptable to say I'm not sure I'll be in one someday?

I know intellectually that the whole one person for someone thing is a mathematical improbability. I do believe that there is a possibility there are several someones out there for me. I do get those feelings where I wish I had someone to watch stupid movies with or have sex with (make love, whatever) on a regular basis. Suffice to say these base needs have not completely overridden my senses to make want to get into a relationship.

I wonder. If I get into a relationship again, will I turn back into the simpering lump of female flesh I was the first time? Shall I let him dictate my clothes (conservative), my hair (long), my schedule (home early), my friends (only the nice ones), my attitude (behaved) and my self-esteem (low) as I did before? Or would this be my turn to wow my friends with an inappropriately less attractive man who will obey my every whim (somehow nice guys who are average-looking get hot girls I have no idea why)?

I once asked a friend of mine why she chose a man that had...interesting features (he was motherfucking ugly)...she replied that she knew she wasn't pretty and he was nice to her. I was galled at her admittance. I had to admit myself that she was right in her physical assessment and that maybe sometimes settling was the key to happiness. Another part of me swore never to go down that route. That resulted in an ex-boyfriend so vain and egotistical he was completely surprised when I dumped him after repeated verbally and emotionally abusive fights.

But what if I do settle down? With someone not so hot, not so pretty, not so successful or ambitious or talented. Someone simply understanding and adoring and adorable. The thought frightens the living shit out of me.

I recently told some dude trying to figure out how to dump a girl in the nicest way possible that he can always get out of it and be excused (in the long run) by using the emotions excuse. The explanation I gave him was that women responded to emotions, not logic.

Now, did I believe this? Yes. I am a woman after all. So I kinda know how these things work. Of course it is bad to generalize, but I do totally believe what I'm saying and it makes sense.

Women right now are told that they can do anything they set their minds too. And that is generally true. It came about from the women's liberation in the 80's. Now the field is supposed to be level. Everyone is equal. If you want it bad enough and work hard for it, you can get it.

The problem is that women tend to apply the same instinct when it comes to men. Not all women though, but in general. The things taught to us, that if we work hard enough, anything will work, doesn't apply to relationships or to men. Because men aren't really goals. They are, at best, thinking human beings with minds of their own. At worst, they're really just like dogs whose greatest achievement is not peeing on the rug (or not getting caught peeing on the rug).

The thing is, we have great instincts. I've noticed that. I think life would be much easier for me if I always follow my initial gut feeling about anything. It often is true. Around 80% of the time. This especially holds true for men. Ever felt that something was wrong? That things weren't right? That maybe you should just give up? That it really is a bad idea? Hell I always respond to these thoughts with the perpetual: But it could be really fun and turn into a cool fucking story.

Now, I've noticed that with most women, the problem is that war between the instincts and the logic. Most women know if the men they are with are dogs but they want to believe that they are not. Even when most obvious signs point to 'yes, this is fucked up', some, maybe even most, will still trudge along and try. Because trying is the best they can do. And we're taught that anything will work if you try hard enough.

A lot of the times the push-pull of emotions vs. logic overwhelm us so much. This often results in the mood swings, the flakiness, the uncertainty, the whole girly thing of 'convince me and I will do it'.

So why did I tell that guy to play the emotion card when dumping? Because women understand that pull of emotions. No matter what logical explanation you say to a woman, the pull of an emotional explanation is stronger. We know what it's like to feel something really deeply and be swayed by it despite all rational facts to the contrary.

I told the guy: If you dump her, she will hate you right now. There is no way to do that without pain. But for the least amount of pain, tell her things just happened. Speak in large ambiguous terms. Refer to destiny or the stars or how you feel. Spin it nicely. Somewhere down the line she will remember you as that guy who was just not meant to be, not that fucker who started fucking someone else.

Of course we've all probably met them. Those guys who have natural habitats and tactics. Those who can't venture beyond their circle where they are king and alpha male and leader of the tribe. Those who easily get threatened.

One such person is O. I've noticed that he tends to diminish the importance of rejections and play up his successes. He always has a reason, an excuse, why he can't get with a girl. And he always teases me that he already gave me 2 when I haven't been able to get him to score with any of my friends.

I let him forget how he detested the idea of me hooking up with his friends. How cold he was to me when V and I hooked up in his presence. How he tried to defuse the H bomb. And how confusing he became after I hooked up with both.

Instead I remind him that I have no control over my friends and neither does he. Though he let the things with V and H run their course, he didn't exactly help. So I just continue introducing him to friends. And I tell him to do his thing.

I refuse to believe he has no charisma because I have seen it at work a couple of times. But the times when he gets all fake and tries too hard is extremely difficult to watch. He literally goes down in flames because he just messes it all up. Now, I've been hearing evil things about him:

1. He has been setting up dinners/lunches/coffee with my friends telling them I'd be there. And he never tells me about them, I always hear about these things from my friends. Hello?! He had done this three times.
   
2. He has claimed he won't hook up with one of our common friends. We recently realized we both knew her and it was kinda weird how the world had gotten small. He mentioned that she seemed naughty, and I agreed while making it clear that she was completely unattractive to me. He claims that he won't yet he has apparently made the offers already. Dude! Never fuck down! If you're going to cheat on your gf, do it with someone hotter!
3. He had been setting up threesomes in my behalf without my knowledge. With the unattractive girl mentioned above.

Despite all the fuckery me and this guy has been up to, I do consider him a friend. So this depresses me when I think that someday I am going to have to throw down his ass because of his shenanigans. Well it doesn't depress me too much, not like it used to before. I guess I'm coming to terms he is a bit of a loser.

Having sexual relations with someone for a prolonged period of time can bring about a sense of companionship. There are some things that are said in bed. Certain things are confided while cuddling together on a bed in an air conditioned room. Talking before and in between rounds can bring about an idea of camaraderie. A false idea.

There is a reason why two people are fuck buddies and not friends or dating or anything other than just mere lovers. This is because while you are comfortable with sharing the sexual and physical aspect of your lives, there are still certain restrictions when it comes to your lives.

So yes, I may like to believe that my FB will be there for me and that I will be there for him. But essentially, when push comes to shove, you just don't want or expect any friendship from fuck buddies. Sure an occasional "hi, hello, how are you doing?" is expected. But anything heavier than that is harder.

Most people know that my extended affair with H has led to several misconceptions and massive heartache (boo-hoo!). But now, I'm coming to terms with the fact that much as I want to believe we are friends, we are merely two people who like to fuck each other.

Sure I like listening to his problems. And yes, when he is available, he listens to mine (but I really would rather not tell him come to think of it). In spite of all this, when push comes to shove, we are merely periphery characters in each others lives. Neither essential to the other. And no, it's not anyone's fault or anyone's choice really. It is merely because that's the way things are.

So in this time of his life when I would like to comfort him the best I can, I content myself with sending 2 SMS messages expressing my concern. Much as I would like to do more, I am satisfied that he knows I will be exactly where I am if he wants/needs me. Those two and the fact that I am a bit busy these days.

There's an asteroid we want to add to our orbit. Nice girl. Cool. Laid-back. Cute. Emphasis back on nice girl. As in really nice. Read as we met her parents the first time we ever asked her to hang out and drink with us. She doesn't seem particularly smart but she looks like she can be groomed to follow in, eherm, our footsteps. The corruptible kind of girl.

You know the type. Looks cute, but not that striking. Charming kind of, easy to talk to, easy to get along with, minimal expectations. The kind you want to take under your wing and teach things to. Then do things to. Ti-hee.

Corruptible girl. We have things planned for you.

People like spouting the word karma. I guess because it's such a convenient reason to give when you're being asked why you're not doing something which feels great but is potentially evil. The word's been used several times by people who are seeking a sort of schadenfreude (happiness at the misery of others) in exchange for the hurt a specific person has caused them.

It's now come to light that a person orbiting the periphery of The Evil Lives (JG and Bv) has been dealt with some mighty smiting karma. And yes schadenfreude can be heard in the clickity-clack of my keyboard.

This stone in orbit fancies itself as a bright gleaming star shot across the heavens on some mythological arrow of hotness. I guess it didn't get the memo shooting stars are just rocks falling down really really fast.

Stone has made things strained between everyone for some time now. It was the one who decided friendships should be terminated because it felt uncomfortable. It also made the decision that one-half of TEL (The Evil Lives) is an evil twat and that the other is basically an interloper who must not be trusted. This despite the fact that TEL has done their best to be as nice to her as possible. Oh, and where does all this TEL hate stem from? A boy. A little twerp of a boy.

Twerp has what we unanimously yet ambiguously define as a Loser Vibe. Yep, he reeks of Loser scent. Which basically smells like Axe, midnight tears, dried semen (from masturbation) and stale ciggies. Stone is totally into Twerp, and it has stated it's belief that Twerp is totally into her too.

Now, it has come to light that Twerp is actually into and fucking someone else. And this TEL knows but will never (tee-hee) come right out and tell Stone. We find it funny because Stone made things strained with TEL despite our efforts to reach out. And Stone is overly protective of Twerp at TEL's expense. I guess in time she'll find out for herself. If the Twerp ever gets around to telling her that she's been dumped.

I feel bad for her, sort of. But man, chick before dick baby. Never let it be the other way around.

Fucking friends is something I sort of like doing. By fucking friends, I don't mean friends who I fuck or people I have sexual relations with. By fucking friends, I mean I fuck guys who happen to be friends. And yeah, I kind of get off on it.

This has happened twice recently. Once with the Den boys and the other with the Little Boys. I fucked 3 out of the 4 main boys of Den. With the Little Boys, evil Bv claims the break up of the friendship was my fault. I mean, I did fuck Ry first, then made a point of groping him as much as I could. Then I tried Cc, the younger one and he enjoyed groping me as often as he could. This apparently caused a rift in the friendship. Though I'm not sure if it was because of me sleeping with Cc or Cc flaunting it or both of them being afraid because they knew each other's girlfriends.

With the boys of Den, the choice was particularly easy and unecessary. In the beginning, I was fooling around with O, then he introduced me to his friend H, then his friend V. In that scenario I didn't really have to choose. O was in a relationship. V fucked me one last time after seeing me on a date with H then he got into a relationship. About a month after I stopped dating him, H went back to his ex.

O always maintained that he didn't want to actually all-the-way sleep with me because I might end up with one of his friends, and he'd have to go away because of it. We never really stopped fooling around though, but things did get a bit distant when I was seeing H. I guess cos he saw how into H I was.

I had thought the amusing chatter we have might eventually turn into a fuck frenzy. Repressed emotions and all that. He did consistently bug me for a hook up, but it all ended pretty abruptly. The funny amusing late night chats ended. The answer came way later. He'd figured out I was seeing H again. Sucks.

In one of our little PPFH (Playa Playa From the Himalaya) projects, we decided to create the Player's Code. It contains a list of rules for players to use. One of the things I contributed to that list is " There are no taboos". Of course with the silently appended "unless you find them icky".

That comes to mind now in lieu of recent events. What is the bond exactly between common friends? If the boyfriend of your close friend's best friend wants to sleep with you, would you? The girl in question is nice, though we haven't seen each other in a while. Come to think of it, I think she still owes me some cash. We weren't that close since we didn't get to hang out a lot.

The guy is semi-cute, younger, and seems very eager to fuck. I think he's in one of those, "I'm really really horny so I'll check the nearest available woman I can fuck." I'm not sure if I wanna fuck him though. But I do want to play.

There are no taboos.

I find it remarkably weird when my friends ask me for relationship advice. This despite the fact I have not ever had a long-term exclusive relationship. It perplexes me when they seek my advice. Is it because I think like a man? Is it because I have so many male friends? Is it because I sleep with a lot of men?

Sex questions yes I understand and can generally answer. I've been answering them since high school.

When I started fooling around with a 24 year old man at the tender age of 14 I held some sway over classmates. I knew what I was writing about when I wrote sex scenes. I knew what I was doing when I wrote of kissing and touching and stroking. At 16 I had done everything except for getting my cherry popped.

By 17 my friends were asking me for advice. Up to now I'd get calls or text messages from people I haven't seen in ages asking me about morning after pills and sex during menstruation. And yes I'm the kind of girl who knows about those things.

I find it advisable that each group of friends has a character like me. It helps them grow. The things I've learned are for everyone's benefit. Every new thing I learn I share. The good. The bad. The tales of caution. I am like the database for everyone's use. I have the knowledge and wish to impart it.

So as a one-time offer, here are the things I've learned:

1) It is possible to have sex during the girl's period. The level of ickiness depends on the girl's flow and her partner's tolerance. It is advisable to shower before and after and have the girl on top to minimize stains. Or just have sex standing up.

2) Morning after pills are so far not widely available in this country. A birth control pill called Micropil can be purchased over the counter at drugstores. To use this as emergency contraceptives the girl can take 4 pills then another 4 after 12 hours. Then stop. This one cycle of medicine taking can be effective up to 3 days after the incident. This is ONLY for emergencies. It is not advisable to keep doing this as it messes up the girl's cycle. It causes a surge of estrogen. It is best to just go on the pill or use a condom. This can also mess with the hormones of the girl.

3) Size matters but technique matters more. A big battering ram can hurt if all it doesn't move properly.

4) A good kiss matters. Do it properly. use your whole mouth, tongue, lips and teeth to pleasure the other person. Don't keep your hands dead, move them, hold the other person.

5) Be as unique as you can. Perfect and learn your own moves. Stop reading stupid tips from magazines and start practicing.

6) Learn to MASTURBATE. This is very important step in developing as a sexual person and no one should be ashamed of it. Or ok, be ashamed of it, lie about not doing it, but just freaking do it already. This will make you better. I swear.

It was one of those little event things, often caused by someone's birthday party. Those places were alcohol is free and you're suddenly super thirsty. One of those times when you don't know a lot of people and tend to cling to the ones you do know. Particularly when you don't feel like speaking to the rest of the group. In this case, it's also a party where a pool is easily available and drinks and cigarettes are allowed poolside.

So lying there being slightly conscious in a swimsuit and still reveling in the feeling of being submerged in water. Then this guy arrives. Speedfucker. We've been hanging out mostly due to the groups and places we go to. He's seen me hooking up with two other men while he was there. He has persistently asked if I wanted to get together again. He has repeatedly expressed a desire to fuck again. And I have responded with silence and a smile.

Oh I enjoy hanging out with him once in a while. It always makes me hot being around someone who wants to fuck me, even if I want nothing to do with them. Makes me feel sexy. But I really don't want to fuck him again, even if I get really really horny.

Then he spoke:

Speedfucker (Sf): J, no matter what, I have no regrets about what happened between us."

J: Damn right you shouldn't. I have a rep.

Sf: Yes you do.

And yes. I do. Satisfaction guaranteed. Too bad he doesn't have that same guarantee.

Hitting it. Soon. I think I may already have. Hating so many things. Hating so many people. Things and people that are (seemingly) a part of my life. Getting wasted doesn't seem like such a good idea. I don't trust people. I don't trust myself. I don't even what to fuck.

here are several signs of depression. One of it being not wanting to have sex. But then again I can still sleep. I can still eat. I can still masturbate. But fuck if I don't want to destroy everything in my life. Leave everyone I know. Shit on everything I own. Destroy things. Hurt people. Just completely remove them from my life.

Every time I got this urge I turned it toward things that may not have been the best idea for me. Ate everything I could lay my hands on. Or fuck everything that moved within my line of sight. Once I got so focused on not eating I lost 31 lbs. in 2 - 3 months. Because I stopped eating.

Now? What do I do now?

Abandon all the things I've worked on? Abandon the relationships I've built? I know where it comes from now. Hate. Self-hate. I'd always vowed I'd try to channel these destructive urges towards things that are good for me.

So here. I vow. To go on a purge. To purge myself. Of food. Of sex. Of friends. Of material things.

I'm sick of people thinking they know me. I'm sick of people I don't trust. I'm sick of people who want to fuck me, or who want me to do something, or who think I'll always go along with what they want. I'm sick of other people's problems. I'm sick of all this fucking shit.

Yes. I hate them. I hate me. I hate my life. And it's time to stop thinking about what else I could be doing, or why I'm not doing what I could actually be doing. An emotional enema. To remove all emotions. To stop feeling at ease with all these fuckers I can't trust.

Lines are blurred. People are uncaring. Life is shit. There are so many problems. And yet people tell me I need to do this for them when they have barely done anything for me.

Fuck harmony. Fuck peace. I don't want any of those. I don't want boring shit anymore. I need something else. I will stop listening to people who only think they know me or what I want or what I need or what I feel. How dare they? They are assholes.

And no this isn't period related. This is not related to jealousy or stupidity or lack of sex. It's me. And all the goddamn things around me. And all the people around me. I don't want this life. I want a new one. And despite all the times I've been whining and shit about this situation I will actually, no fucking around seriously, do something about it now.

A life. A life I want. Let the great purging experiment begin.

So. I've been decided on the Ak issue. By Ak I mean that boy I was kinda seeing. That boy I had sort of decided I'd pursue actively despite his girlfriend. The boy who I kinda wanted to make the stupid decision for.

First I was confused about whether I would go after him. But then... I decided I would. Then I decided I wouldn't. Then I decided I'd just go with the flow. Then I decided I didn't want to be his mistress anymore. Then at the first sign that he wanted me back (after about 3 days) I went to him. Then I decided I was gunning for it. Then he disappeared.

It all started with him not doing my bidding. Not coming when I asked him to. Despite me pulling all the stops. Which upset me. Then he called after a couple of days hoping to catch me at work. But I wasn't available. Then...silence.

Silence.

Despite text messages that ask him, tell him and basically caress him into seeing me.

Silence.

Then I hear he's just been staying in. That it seems he's gotten caught by the girlfriend.

I check myself. Nope. Not that upset. Missing him of course. Yet not that upset.

Then out of the blue. A phone call. Asking some random thing. Stupid. Casual. I woke up from my nap. Disoriented. Kinda surprised/worried/excited that it was him.

He was...casual. No terms of endearment this time. Just a question. Then he hangs up. I send him an SMS teasing him about his ways.

Then he calls back. Assures me that the reason he couldn't talk was because he was busy. He was getting a haircut. I tease him about not being around then suddenly appearing again. I don't remember how he brushed the topic off. He says he has to hang up and he'll talk to me later.

I send him another SMS. Tease him about going missing.

Silence.

Sent him another message. After wrestling with myself, I decide to ask him why he went missing. I ask if he was in trouble. A clear opening for him to tell me he can't see me anymore because he got caught.

Silence.

Silence.

In the end I tell him to never bother me again.

Here are some of the reasons why I think he called:

1. He really had an important reason for asking me said random casual question. He called back because he wanted to assure me he wasn't avoiding me because...? I dunno. Any statement here aside from the dubious 'he wants to be friends' scenario doesn't fit. Why would he call back to reassure me that he didn't have time to talk but wanted to?
2. He called to ask said question because I would know the answer and he thinks we're ok. He called back for same reason.
3. He called because he misses the sound of my voice. He called back to reassure me that he'll call me again...some day.
4. He called because he knew that he had a hold on me and he wants me fucked up.

There are also these reasons why he didn't reply to my messages or call me back:

1. He became busy.
2. Girlfriend was with him
3. He was too scared to take the hint I left him. He didn't want to say it was over because he was scared of hurting my feelings.
4. He didn't want to end things because he wanted to be able to come back when and if he wanted to.
5. He just didn't think a reply was necessary.

Either way. These reasons just mean he's either a moron or an asshole. And really if those are the only two choices. Then what's the fucking point.

I meant what I said in the SMS though.

Stay The Fuck Away. We are NOT friends. We were LOVERS. Who had an AFFAIR. Let's be specific and just end it. Then I can move forward.

I was aimlessly bouncing around one Saturday night. The Club bore no fuckable fruits and I was restless.

Escape and the salvation of my weekend came in the form of the evil Bv. Free drinks were available at his place, as well as the abundance of boys I had already, and could still, hook up with.

It was Ry's birthday and the entire gang was there. It was all the old cast, except for....introducing...Ak(aka A version 2.0).

Halfway between Bv's place and The Club, we met up at a Shell station. Ts and I needed to come down from our alcohol induced high because she still needed to drive home. So we stopped at a Select and waited for Bv. Bv eventually arrived, with two other guys in tow. One of them was Ak.

Apparently, when Bv saw A, he already formed a plan in his mind to some day introduce me to A's doppelganger, his friend Ak. Ak was quiet in Shell yet established himself as a clear player in the game by being very much the gentleman.

Earlier that night, when I had already determined that I was going to go to Ry's birthday drinking spree, I was determined to give him the gift of allowing him to fuck me. Sounds a little whorish I know, but Ry does do it right. And despite the fact I was really jonesing for his friend Cc, Ry was still officially my first conquest, and, as far as I knew, the rest of the group knew nothing about Cc and I.

Cc and I had not had another opportunity to fuck again. But he has been markedly sweeter and more daring in showering me with physical affection. In other words, he's been very very horny. However, neither of us seemed comfortable making any outward plans to fuck, we both seemed mildly content with groping each other as discreetly as we could and waiting for another opportunity to arise.

To many, it is still a mystery as to why I fucked Ry. But I still maintain that it was not just pure drunkenness or proximity. There was something about him i liked. Plus he has a really good lust worthy body. So anyway, I was about to offer myself as a gift to Ry. But then this Ak showed up.

When we were all already at Bv's, Ak sat near me and we started talking. I was then still determined to make it with Ry as a courtesy (what a goddamn weird notion I just realized), I was just planning to make the French exit as discreet as possible so that the Ak door will not be closed to me. Cc was also making moves to secure something special for the night. He kept groping my ass and giving me lust filled looks.

Things became interesting when I ended up seated between Cc and Ak and perpendicular to Ry. Ak was a bit tipsy, and Cc had already thrown up, but Ry was playing the role of birthday boy by being master of ceremonies.

Ak already had my hand in his while Cc's hand groped my ass. Ry looked at me and motioned me to sit beside him. This I did and I proceeded to kiss his neck. At first the birthday boy pretended he didn't like what I was doing until he groped my tit with his hand.

After I came up for air, Ak suddenly woke up and reached for me again, his eyes gently entreating me to sit beside him. Which I did. By this time Cc had already fallen asleep, or probably feigned sleep, as it seemed like the game was now between Cc and Ry.

Then Ry did something really stupid. It currently escapes me what he said or did at the time, but I know it was something to the effect of feigning he didn't want me. After that, Ak emerged as the clear choice.

So Ak and I made out and everyone, particularly Bv, practically begged us to go upstairs and get a room. So we did. At first it was just groping, since someone was asleep in the same room. After that we agreed to just go to sleep. Ak placed his arms around me as we spooned. I don't now how long this lasted, but the next thing I know, I was awake and we were kissing and there was no turning back.

We fucked. It was a quickie but it was a good quickie. And Ak was sweet. Little did I know that there was already drama going on downstairs as this was happening.

Apparently Cc went into dramatics after we left. He complained about being picked on because Bv made him admit that he had fucked me. It appeared that other people already knew, in fact, it seemed that everyone, particularly Ry knew about it. So much for Cc requesting for discretion.

Because of Cc's reaction to being made to admit he had fucked me, Ry became panicky. Cc was close to Ry's girlfriend, and Ry was afraid that Cc was going to spill. Cc was also afraid that his friends were gonna blab about his dirty deed to his girlfriend.

So everyone had dirt on everyone else, all thanks to me. And it seemed that Cc was particularly petulant and upset that I had chosen Ak. I theorized that Cc and Ry had come up with a schedule. I got Ry first, then I fucked Cc. The week after I slept with Cc, I slept with Ry again. Possibly Cc expected that he would get another go, but the appearance of Ak surprised him. As a matter of fact Ak totally blindsided me, I was totally expecting that I would end up with Ry yet it all changed in a heartbeat.

And after how things happened, I wouldn't change it. It all turned out exactly as I wanted it to.

I've recently had a whole lot of time on my hands, basically because I've been a bum for the past couple of weeks. All this excess time has been used towards obsessive compulsive hard drive cleaning and drinking sessions. However, some of this time has been used towards...well..thinking. Thinking insane and semi-profound thoughts.

One of the things I've realized during a random bullshit session with friends is the difference between jerks an assholes.

The thought came to me as I was describing the difference between O and Bv. O and Bv both have particularly strong personalities. They both tease, they both spar verbally and they are both my friends, with the express difference of my sexual relationship with O.

Both have also expressed chauvinistic ideas and beliefs that make me want to hit them. The main difference is that Bv is an asshole and O is a jerk. Bv may spew shit but he knows its all shit. O actually believes the shit he spews. Which is why Bv is an asshole and O is a jerk.

So there is that very very fine line between being a jerk and being an asshole. Assholes are mostly funny but they turn into jerks once they start believing that their thoughts are right, that all their beliefs and prejudices are right.

Bv crosses that fine line sometimes. But so far he hasn't become a 100% jerk. So far.

It was a night when I wanted to take a rest from hanging out with the boys of Bv's crowd (my new harem after I let go of the consistent harem from Den). I dunno if it was the constant PSP-ing or the asinine conversations or the constant hot and cold groping/ignoring thing going on (mostly the groping coming from one boy and the ignoring coming from the other one i slept with). I just wanted to get away from that whole crowd.

So one Friday I went out with Mc to my pet Club after I left the penumbra of Den. Club is actually a club in the Fort Strip with a cover charge that isn't as expensive as some of its neighbors.

The night started out slow. We made fun of what some people were wearing and proceeded to get drunk. Then it got interesting.

I had been noticing a couple of guys who were standing near us. The group of guys to our right were standard issue guys-who-don't-normally-go-out. They were wearing blah clothes and were searching the crowd like hawks looking for prey. They had probably heard the stories of people hooking up in Bar and heard that girls there can pretty much be coerced into doing anything.

The group to our left were a couple of kids who obviously liked to dance and fancied they were black because they liked hiphop.

It seemed like a tame enough night. I wasn't hungry for any hook ups, since I had my period. I just wanted to fucking dance my ass off. It also seemed like an off night for Club since the music sucked for a long time.

However, boys were ever present. Sure the kids found me amusing. Maybe it was the fact my tattoo was showing. Maybe it was the school girl style red pleated skirt I was wearing. However, here are some of the conversational gems from that night:

"Nice tattoo." he wasn't cute so I just smiled said "thanks" and turned away

"I thought you were from Assumption." duh, Assumption uniforms are not red plaid pleated skirts

"Girlfriend right? I'm cool with that." he thought Mc and I were lesbian lovers sigh men and their stupid fantasies

And of course, the most amusing exchange of all:

"Where do you live?"

"Q.C."

"Wanna go home with me?"

"I brought my car."

"Wanna take me home?"

"I have another party to go to."

"Where are you parked?"

JG points to the parking lot.

"Wanna show me?"

"No."

Ok. I felt kinda bad for this dude. But I have to admit it felt nice to dance with a dude and feel his hard cock against your ass. I did kiss him. I let him feel me up. His hand was already snaking inside my underpants but I had to moderate him because I didn't want him to hit the mother load. I also didn't want him to know I had my period.

Anyway he seemed to enjoy it. He got a free grope. He almost got to lift my skirt up high enough to flash everyone. He got to feel my tits. He got to look like a big shot in front of his friends.

But when time came, I wanted to go home. I went to the rest room with Mc for a slight pow wow. I told her I just wanted to say goodbye to that dude. And of course, his cute friends. But when we went back to the spot I didn't see him so we went home.

It was fun. I kinda missed dancing with a hard cock against my ass.