Bitchicisms

Yes I did watch it belatedly. I downloaded it as fast as I could, and I plan to download it after I'm done (still watching). I'm just really disturbed about Jordin Sparks. She seemed visibly agitated and even John Legend was visibly surprised.

Sure she feels passionately about those purity rings. If she wants to remain a virgin, she can do whatever the hell she wants to. But calling out people not wearing purity rings as sluts (which is, let's face it, exactly what her wording implies), is the kind of close-minded, stupid, stupid, black or white thing expected from the religious fundamentals. So she basically hurt her cause more than anything.

People like spouting the word karma. I guess because it's such a convenient reason to give when you're being asked why you're not doing something which feels great but is potentially evil. The word's been used several times by people who are seeking a sort of schadenfreude (happiness at the misery of others) in exchange for the hurt a specific person has caused them.

It's now come to light that a person orbiting the periphery of The Evil Lives (JG and Bv) has been dealt with some mighty smiting karma. And yes schadenfreude can be heard in the clickity-clack of my keyboard.

This stone in orbit fancies itself as a bright gleaming star shot across the heavens on some mythological arrow of hotness. I guess it didn't get the memo shooting stars are just rocks falling down really really fast.

Stone has made things strained between everyone for some time now. It was the one who decided friendships should be terminated because it felt uncomfortable. It also made the decision that one-half of TEL (The Evil Lives) is an evil twat and that the other is basically an interloper who must not be trusted. This despite the fact that TEL has done their best to be as nice to her as possible. Oh, and where does all this TEL hate stem from? A boy. A little twerp of a boy.

Twerp has what we unanimously yet ambiguously define as a Loser Vibe. Yep, he reeks of Loser scent. Which basically smells like Axe, midnight tears, dried semen (from masturbation) and stale ciggies. Stone is totally into Twerp, and it has stated it's belief that Twerp is totally into her too.

Now, it has come to light that Twerp is actually into and fucking someone else. And this TEL knows but will never (tee-hee) come right out and tell Stone. We find it funny because Stone made things strained with TEL despite our efforts to reach out. And Stone is overly protective of Twerp at TEL's expense. I guess in time she'll find out for herself. If the Twerp ever gets around to telling her that she's been dumped.

I feel bad for her, sort of. But man, chick before dick baby. Never let it be the other way around.

Hitting it. Soon. I think I may already have. Hating so many things. Hating so many people. Things and people that are (seemingly) a part of my life. Getting wasted doesn't seem like such a good idea. I don't trust people. I don't trust myself. I don't even what to fuck.

here are several signs of depression. One of it being not wanting to have sex. But then again I can still sleep. I can still eat. I can still masturbate. But fuck if I don't want to destroy everything in my life. Leave everyone I know. Shit on everything I own. Destroy things. Hurt people. Just completely remove them from my life.

Every time I got this urge I turned it toward things that may not have been the best idea for me. Ate everything I could lay my hands on. Or fuck everything that moved within my line of sight. Once I got so focused on not eating I lost 31 lbs. in 2 - 3 months. Because I stopped eating.

Now? What do I do now?

Abandon all the things I've worked on? Abandon the relationships I've built? I know where it comes from now. Hate. Self-hate. I'd always vowed I'd try to channel these destructive urges towards things that are good for me.

So here. I vow. To go on a purge. To purge myself. Of food. Of sex. Of friends. Of material things.

I'm sick of people thinking they know me. I'm sick of people I don't trust. I'm sick of people who want to fuck me, or who want me to do something, or who think I'll always go along with what they want. I'm sick of other people's problems. I'm sick of all this fucking shit.

Yes. I hate them. I hate me. I hate my life. And it's time to stop thinking about what else I could be doing, or why I'm not doing what I could actually be doing. An emotional enema. To remove all emotions. To stop feeling at ease with all these fuckers I can't trust.

Lines are blurred. People are uncaring. Life is shit. There are so many problems. And yet people tell me I need to do this for them when they have barely done anything for me.

Fuck harmony. Fuck peace. I don't want any of those. I don't want boring shit anymore. I need something else. I will stop listening to people who only think they know me or what I want or what I need or what I feel. How dare they? They are assholes.

And no this isn't period related. This is not related to jealousy or stupidity or lack of sex. It's me. And all the goddamn things around me. And all the people around me. I don't want this life. I want a new one. And despite all the times I've been whining and shit about this situation I will actually, no fucking around seriously, do something about it now.

A life. A life I want. Let the great purging experiment begin.

What sucks about several people knowing you've slept with someone is the ill-conceived, often misunderstood and often misinterpreted notion that there is a territory.

This is funny because I somehow feel like some free floating happy island filled with perpetually stoned inhabitants when a smart ass Catholic contingent plunges a flag into my beautiful and rich soil to claim me in the name of some godforsaken pompous kingdom in the name of a god I neither know of or even believe in.

This concept of ownership is arcane, juvenile and obsolete for me. Mainly because I am not in any relationship and as of the present do not particularly want to be in any relationship and I do not equate fucking with purchasing or even leasing.

Someone was supposed to drink with Bv and I and a couple of other people today. A young boy who moves in the same circle I rotate in with Bv and Ry and others. This boy ended up not going. Bv theorized he must've felt weird about it cos Ry would know for certain that I had invited him and not Ry. Ry barely talks to me.

In fact Ry does not talk to me even when I am beside him. Even when I am already looking at him. As a matter of fact Ry sometimes does not speak to me when I speak to him. So I do not consider myself his territory at all. But since Bv is a man just like Ry and New Young Boy appear to be, I guess I have to buy his explanation.

Which sucks. Because I happen to like NYB (New Young Boy). I don't really feel the urge to fuck him yet. Maybe that will come in time. But. I do not like this one bit. It makes me want to buck whatever conventions they have in the group.

I AM NOT ANYONE'S TERRITORY.

When 2007 rolled to a close I made a pledge to never be guilty. This means two things: that I would never do something I would be guilty of and that I would never be guilty of things I do.

Coming fresh off a conversation with O wherein he basically tells me I am a talkative slut, I feel kind of guilty that he is ashamed because some people know about him. And because he is mentioned in this blog.

A part of me is thinking: He has been objectified. And he does not like it.

Another part of me is thinking: Oh god. I've messed up a friendship.

He claims I talk too much. And that I am fuck and tell. I try to tell him that it doesn't matter if other people know that we've been groping or not. All that matters is how people know him.

He does not accept that. And kind of berated me. For how I am and how I live my life.

One of the banes of our friendship has always been his perception of me and his deeply ingrained conservative and somewhat chauvinistically male personality. Now as I come from this conversation which has somewhat drained my resources, I come to see the fact that he has been an asshole lately. He knows I adore him so and as such often takes advantage of that. He is lax and inconsiderate and I am often his examples for his stories on what is wrong with this or that.

And I suddenly realized, why am I so goddamn affected? Why do I even want to be this man'[s friend? And why do I even take his penis in my mouth.

Fuck his shame and his embarrassment. It is not my fault that he has placed his penis in my mouth. And at least I was finally honest with him, maybe I shouldn't have been a hundred per cent honest. Maybe I should've just kept this all to myself. Then I just realized: FUCK THAT.

His parting words were that this was why he never slept with me, because I was fuck and tell. And that he was right in his judgment. Yes. He is right. Because if any man I ever slept with said those words to me. I would've slapped him til he bled to get the hypocrisy out.

Never. Ever. Will I place that man's penis inside my mouth. Never ever will I show an inch of concern. And never, no more doting or favors or goddamn fucking anything.

If he needs to judge other people as wrong or bad or evil to feel right to feel better about themselves, then let him use other people to do so. I am tired of being judged. And I am tired of being used.

I will be guilt free. No matter what. It's not my fault he likes getting blow jobs. So don't blame me. It's my mouth, my experience, my right to say and do and write whatever the fuck I want about that experience.