Bitchicisms

Oh yeah I'll be going on an a short vacay with the family. So I intend to flood this with blog posts. I hope I get it right. Hehehe.

This is a delayed post that was supposed to be for the January 22, 2008 Roe v. Wade anniversary.

Yes I am pro-choice. I've always known I was pro-choice. Even after withstanding years of videos of fetuses being ripped from the wombs of their mothers courtesy of my pseudo-sadistic Catholic school upbringing, I am still pro-choice.

But why is that? I guess partly because I've had a rough life. And I was born to a woman who has always struggled with being a good mother. And she has raised a daughter who grew up a little too fast and a son who seems to never grow up. I've also met children who should never have been born because something in their family life cause them to mess it up. There are also children who die much more miserably after being born unwanted. There are also women with lives ruined because they had children. And there are women who have abortions that are illegal.

1) K was a classmate in high school. She was a close friend of a friend. I remember how people were not very fond of her. Mostly because she built her life around her boyfriend. The salacious, thuggish and kinda gangsta Bd.

Bd was the head of a frat who claims to have the most members in the nation. This notoriety leads to the common known pun that they have brods who are taho vendors and fishball vendors. Which is true I bet. This frat doesn't really encourage its members to succeed or build themselves intellectually.

K and Bd were having sex when I was still reading Judith Krantz and mastering masturbation. They always seemed so much older than me and my close friends. We were part of a clique but the clique was broken in half. The 2 girls who had boyfriends (K and another named Cd), and the young kids (myself, Jp and Ic) who did not even have suitors and were predictably awkward growing up.

K got pregnant when we were juniors. Actually we never used that term. She did not get pregnant. She got delayed. She proceeded to take some drugs her boyfriend gave her and did about 100 crunches a day. She got really nice abs but still no period.

While she was trying her damn best to get her period started, they (K and Cd) were also befriending the school's guidance counselor. A move which just struck me as not so smart. Sure we get to spend idle time in the cool office and we got to talk to some boys but it just didn't seem particularly intelligent. It seemed even less intelligent when they confided to the counselor that K was delayed and trying to ratify it.

Hubbub ensued. It was the time when Jp's father died I think and Ic, Cd and I were going to the wake that K got called into the guidance counselor's office. If I remember correctly, K was no longer delayed by then. She got kicked out of school got thrown away to a province and Bd became a close friend of Cd (and in the process even tried to hit on her once or twice).

Though K and Bd were apart for so long, they ended up together, married and with kids. Up to now I still see Bd when I go to a particular mall. However the girl I always see him holding hands with is not K.

2) Y is one of the Gimik Girls. Or, rather, used to be one of the Gimik Girls.

She used to be the right hand man of Master, a really good friend who introduced me to the finer points of clubbing. However, somewhere down the line I ended up realizing that I don't much care for Y. And that I can totally live without her. So she was no longer my friend. Further unraveling of events led to the dissolution of the Gimik Girls and the bonding of Jean Grey and Master as well as the distance from the other 2 former members.

Y was known for having had an abortion. I was not yet part of the group at that time so I had no idea how things turned out. However I know she had one.

3) Darkeye is a very very good college friend. She's the perfect complement to my insane tirades and mood swings as I have never seen her get mad.

Her virginity was taken by her boyfriend. It was something she'd always wanted to try, sex I mean, and it made her happy to finally get all the stupid little stories and acts I kept alluding to. They were almost always safe. Her family was liberated and her parents taught them about condoms, which is more than can be said about my mom who still pretends she thinks I'm a virgin sometimes.

I received a call from Darkeye one summer. She suspected she was pregnant. She was at home in the province and can't buy a pregnancy kit at the local drug store because her parents knew people there. And yes she was that paranoid.

So she shipped out to Manila on the pretense of visiting me and we purchased a pregnancy test at the Mercury Drug near our school. She peed on the stick in our College's rest room. After a couple of minutes we found the results. They were positive.

We were standing outside near the railings of our college and smoking. The fact hadn't sunk in yet. "Oh my God you're pregnant," I said. Then we started laughing hysterically. We laughed like it was the biggest cosmic joke. And it sort of was. I was the biggest slut we knew at that time and she had gotten divirginized about 3 or 4 months ago. And yes Darkeye was pregnant.

We crushed our cigarettes and walked, still laughing, to the nearest cafe.

Prior to getting knocked up, Darkeye and I had shared several conversations about sex. She had asked me what would I do if I got pregnant. I told her I would get an abortion. She asked me if I was serious. "Did I stutter?" Then Darkeye told me she'd keep her baby if she ever got pregnant right then and there.

This was why I was shocked when she told me she was getting an abortion. Lack of funds and lack of opportunity led to her staying in the province for a long period of time and her stomach getting bigger (in hindsight thank god she was fat so it wasn't that obvious she was knocked up). I'd urged her early on to make a decision, make a choice. Since she had not gotten an abortion yet I had assumed she would keep it. She wanted an abortion when the fetus was already about 3 or 4 months old.

We talked to her. I told her I would help her raise the baby if money was the problem. I asked her if she was sure. Y even played a part in discouraging her because the fetus was already big.

In the end she took medicine her boyfriend got her. And the embryo died. But it didn't come out. She got blacklisted from East Avenue Medical Center because they refused to remove the fetus eventhough it was dead, eventhough it could end up poisoning her, all because of the anti-abortion law, they'd rather see her dead than help her.

Darkeye took some more medicine to expel the fetus (admittedly I chickened out of offering my house for this, my mother would not have been happy with seeing a dead fetus in our bathroom), and was alone in the bathroom with the fully formed fetus.

The fetus got buried, Darkeye suffered trauma and has still not undergone therapy for it and she's still with the dude.

Now I have connections that enable me to refer people to safe abortions should they need it. It should be early in the term and is guaranteed safe. I also dispense advise about emergency contraceptives and morning after pills.

Recently a friend of a friend needed one and I referred her to someone I knew. The contact thought I was the pregnant one. Which I get a lot. People automatically assume the ones who enjoy casual sex will eventually get what's coming to them and get a disease or a baby. I say, "Not if you're smart, you don't."

All this hullabaloo and drama could be prevented. If we had legal abortion and a solid family planning system, unwanted pregnancies and dangerous and unsafe abortions could be a thing of the past. The best way to deal with abortion is not to make it illegal, but to prevent the need for it with the publicizing of contraceptives and putting up womens centers where they will be given advice about their reproductive health.

These days aren't really good activists days for me, it's too hard to find and figure out what I believe in and what I want and politics, or at least, those that I've been exposed to, wants such clear cut definitions of things.

But yeah, I'm pro-choice and I believe in abortion and it's illegal in the Philippines and I have some insights. So I joined the January 22 pro-choice bloggers when I ran into it at Feministing.

My mother admitted to having had an abortion. I've had 3 friends who have actually had abortions and I wish to God it would be made legal here.

Which is why I am very much looking forward to posting on the 22nd.

Still in Six Feet Under mode. Watching all the episodes I never got to watch cos I was always too busy to watch them when the series was actually still running.

Claire used the term Cracking Open My Eye. It was something her art teacher told her she needed to do. A new way of seeing things. What I need is a new way of living life, of feeling.

I was supposed to go to a Tattoo Expo somewhere with E but I got pissed off pretty early cos I fired my driver. Well, he was an idiot who was getting to comfortable by stealing money and never being available and overall generally irresponsible.

I ended up in a mall with E and buying some books and watching a movie and getting generally pissed off because it was hot and traffic was hell.

The movie was ok. Blah. It was Elizabeth: The Golden Age and the books were As Seen on TV and The Astrological Diary of God. Book sale books that I haven't even read yet.

What I learned is that I am a bit unhappy with how my life was going. It's not so much where it is now, where I am now is a long way from where I was a year ago. Even the fact that I actually ended up feeling for a guy, albeit the wrong guy, is a bit of a breakthrough. The unhappiness stems from the fact that I am very very vague and confused and scared where this life is going.

Then I had this realization, I need a new way to live, I need to crack open my soul. Figure out my way through life. Do what I really want to do, live how I want to live. Pursue my passions, my dreams my fantasies. Fuck who I want to fuck. Write what want to write.

I realized how stupid pining over H was. When we first met, he was still with his then-and-now-again girlfriend. And it is possible that he broke up with her in the 2 days between then and when he asked O for my number. The point is that, well, I didn't want him then. And O was right I knew H wasn't relationship material.

I think I've been using him as an excuse to feel. To grieve to bitch and moan. I don't want excuses anymore. I need to crack open my soul.

I realized I've been stupid for being pissed off that some of my friends are losers. That some of them are trying to fuck people who will never fuck them. It pisses me off that some of them have zero personality and are boring and that hey upset me with their petty mistakes and their close mindedness and their insecurities and their faults and beliefs and their pretensions and their nasty gritty real life errors.

They are human. And though I may be hard on myself I don't need to be hard on them. Granted that I already change friends and leave out ones that feel like they are too ugly or needy or broken or dirty or too much work. Ever searching for the elusive perfect and nice and wonderful friends who are attractive and ambitious and talented and creative. Well there's no one like that. Not that I know of anyway.

I should also get used to the fact that men will think whatever they want to think about me. No matter what I'm wearing no matter what I do or say or try or how I act. They will always think I am difficult and weird and insane or stereotypical or slutty or bitchy or bratty.

I can change and be nicer, a sanitized version of myself, a shadow of who I currently am. Maybe, then maybe I could be content. Make it easier on myself and everyone else around me by being satisfied.

Then I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be hungry or needy or wanting things. I'd just be another typical girl working a job that I care nothing for but pays my bills and waiting for my boyfriend to pick me up at the end of work each day and then taking me home.

Blah blah blah blah blah. I'm such a whiner.

My soul needs to be cracked open. Open. Like a shell. I need to remove all these fears and face all these demons. I need to exorcise my old and defective beliefs.

This is a short list of things I've said, which left me wondering what the hell I was thinking when I said them:

1) Stop calling me, I already got what I wanted from you (yes. I did say that. To a guy named K. It was a while back. And it was kind of appropriate [I had just broken up with my bf and hence, was unfeeling]).

2) Men are so easy. Yes. It's true! When it comes to sex anyway.

3) All you want to do is live voyeuristically through my life. I said this recently (or something like it) to a friend. It was getting annoying how fixated she was on my life. How she kept pressing for details of my sexual activities. Downright freaky.

4) Please please gain 5 kilos. Said it to H. Because he is alarmingly skinny (think Nicole Richie). Hey, I had this inner rule I wouldn't sleep with him til he gained, but he-hey I break my own rules.

5) Sorry, but, you're not exactly gorgeous. I believe I've said this several times. Mostly to women. Who think they are all that. And diss guys. Oh well.

6) Did I break you? Again, H. I thought I did break him.

7) Kangaroo tayo. I think I said it to V. :))
(Kangaroo n./v. - from the root word kang, as in: kang kang, kantot....meaning sex)

8) Would you like to rape me? Sadomasochistic me. Got no takers though. It was a bad time. I was depressed. One of them was shocked and concerned. The other disappointed that he was depressed too and wasting the opportunity.

9) Please shut up. Vainly told to H as he kept on yapping. Please please just shut the fuck up forever.

10) Pa-virgin ka. Said it to V. And he was!

Oh yes, I can feel the "ber" months nearing. Dammit.

And yes, I did swear I would be 120 lbs. come December. Which is a full 20 lbs. loss in approximately 4 months. And I am eating brownies. hahahaha

This holiday season is shaping up to be one of the best in recent history. My family is doing very well. We're about to get two (two!yey!) dogs and money is so far not a problem.

I'm cleaning up my life (sorta facing up to old ghosts, friends who have been pissing me off for years...they now know god's honest truth), figuring out exactly what I want (which isn't staying in a stagnated company) and trying to get over this weird convoluted (daughter M's favorite word, hehehe)thing with H.

And yes getting older is definitely a lot of help. Though I am becoming more fearful and paranoid. Probably because life teaches you that shit happens, men sometimes are complete total assholes and friends can be full of shit.

A lot has happened the past 6 months I've changed careers and things have been mostly ok though they can be better. I don't really need a change, rather an improvement.

I need people who are not stupid, people who challenge, people who want something more out of life than multiple credit cards and loans and cars, people who inspire and command respect. I am sick of nouveau riche white trash types who have no breeding. I am sick of people making fun of me cos I like nice things. I am sick and tired of people implementing rules that do not apply to them and most of all I am sick of the family that blunders into all sorts of crap beause they are pretending to know what they are doing.

It's put up or shut up time. And I will gladly enjoy the last 6 months of my work here. I will not get into the pitfall of staying too long in a crappy job.

My friend Tinkerbell is currently working in Dubai. Earning good money and working well.

I am currently working in the Philippines. Earning little money, working hard, doing the job I was meant to do, but getting paid doodly squat.

Before my friend left for Dubai she did tell me that she was gonna get me once she was settled. I didn't want to honestly.

But now, even when I am doing what I like. I realized that man cannot live on bread alone, we want meat , we want ice cream.

My mom's for it. Of course. For me to leave, help the family. I sort of want it, escaping the family, going out on my own.

Meg says, good money, cute boys, lots of ukay-ukay (haha, I can't believe this is one of the selling points). I do want to leave, make it on my own at some point in time before I'm settled.

Anyway, who knows. Meg's pushing for me within the year. All I said is, I'll think about it.

If I do leave, I'd already promised to sleep with X and O before I depart. Which is why they're for it I guess, those assholes.