Bitchicisms

When 2007 rolled to a close I made a pledge to never be guilty. This means two things: that I would never do something I would be guilty of and that I would never be guilty of things I do.

Coming fresh off a conversation with O wherein he basically tells me I am a talkative slut, I feel kind of guilty that he is ashamed because some people know about him. And because he is mentioned in this blog.

A part of me is thinking: He has been objectified. And he does not like it.

Another part of me is thinking: Oh god. I've messed up a friendship.

He claims I talk too much. And that I am fuck and tell. I try to tell him that it doesn't matter if other people know that we've been groping or not. All that matters is how people know him.

He does not accept that. And kind of berated me. For how I am and how I live my life.

One of the banes of our friendship has always been his perception of me and his deeply ingrained conservative and somewhat chauvinistically male personality. Now as I come from this conversation which has somewhat drained my resources, I come to see the fact that he has been an asshole lately. He knows I adore him so and as such often takes advantage of that. He is lax and inconsiderate and I am often his examples for his stories on what is wrong with this or that.

And I suddenly realized, why am I so goddamn affected? Why do I even want to be this man'[s friend? And why do I even take his penis in my mouth.

Fuck his shame and his embarrassment. It is not my fault that he has placed his penis in my mouth. And at least I was finally honest with him, maybe I shouldn't have been a hundred per cent honest. Maybe I should've just kept this all to myself. Then I just realized: FUCK THAT.

His parting words were that this was why he never slept with me, because I was fuck and tell. And that he was right in his judgment. Yes. He is right. Because if any man I ever slept with said those words to me. I would've slapped him til he bled to get the hypocrisy out.

Never. Ever. Will I place that man's penis inside my mouth. Never ever will I show an inch of concern. And never, no more doting or favors or goddamn fucking anything.

If he needs to judge other people as wrong or bad or evil to feel right to feel better about themselves, then let him use other people to do so. I am tired of being judged. And I am tired of being used.

I will be guilt free. No matter what. It's not my fault he likes getting blow jobs. So don't blame me. It's my mouth, my experience, my right to say and do and write whatever the fuck I want about that experience.