Bitchicisms

I have a lot of guy friends. Its one of the things about me that makes me different from a lot of girls. I have a lot of guy friends who I don't even sleep with. And some of the people closest to me are men.

I'm sure the followers of this blog (if there are any) are aware of the several mentions of Bv and O and other dudes I regularly hung out with. The problem is, some people still think a guy and a girl can't be just friends.

Sure O and I had our fun, but we had both admitted several times that we just met wrong. When he met me, he wanted to fuck me, and I couldn't blame him for that. I wanted to fuck him too. Because of that, we can't ever be really clean and clearly defined just friends. We'll always have that sexually charged past and O being O, we can't ever get past that, though we've managed to be really good friends over time.

Bv on the other hand, has always been just a really good friend. There was never really anything other than friendly banter, no sexually charged awkward moments, just full on accepting friendship and a weird partner in crime symbiotic relationship.

What sucks right now is I'm mired in drama I am not a part of. I have never mentioned the girl Bv has been living with in an attempt to keep her out of the limelight because she was become my friend. Over time we have become close, despite the disturbing things I've heard said about her.

Some people mentioned she tends to get very jealous. I thought she was really nice and open with me. I liked her. And I believed her when she said she liked me.

I've been told she has been jealous for quite some time because of all the time I've been spending with Bv. Despite the fact that they are technically not a couple (they broke up some time back), I've tried to remain on her good side because I did not want any drama or any problems from anyone. Now because of something I've done, a certain act that took advantage of their hospitality, I feel that that act has been used as an excuse to hate me.

I hate being in this position because I feel I am being persecuted for a sin I did not even commit and would never dream of committing (sleeping with Bv). It is not my fault if Bv prefers to spend time with me rather than with her. I have done nothing wrong and my conscience is clean.
I have tried to make amends for the sin I have committed, for becoming a bad house guest. I have apologized, I was prepared to grovel, yet she still remained steadfast in her stand that she hated me. And now what sickens and saddens me is the fact that Bv is not able to protect me.

I've told Bv several times that I was becoming uncomfortable with all the lying and the hiding from her. We weren't even doing anything wrong, we're just friends. And the fact that I have to even explain myself like that sickens me.

Bv always told me to not be afraid that he could handle it, that he will fix things. And I've been complacent and I believed him. I know we weren't doing anything wrong. I know Bv's excuse is that the lying is to avoid drama. Her drama. Now the drama's escalating and I don't even want to be around him sometimes.

I adored her, I liked her, I wanted to be her friend. But in the end it all boils down to her being paranoid and thinking I wanted to steal this dude away from her. Which is so wrong.

Bv has been unable to protect me. I feel like the sacrificial lamb for them. The whole thought that I should be blamed for a fissure in their relationship upsets me. I like them both. But Bv was my friend. And I depended on him to protect me from his ex.

I've been trying to distance myself from him. I've made an effort not to hang out with him so much, even if we like hanging out and he's really really fun. I don't want all this drama in my life. And sadly I now know what Dm feels when she mentioned that there's a lot of drama involved with this clique. I get it now. I don't want to sacrifice a good solid friendship just because someone suspects something which isn't even true.

Bv has told me several times that he intends to fix this whole mire of entanglements. Then he just ends up being lax again. It's like he doesn't care if he has to put his friends through all this shit and fucking crap. I don't want to emotionally blackmail anyone. But I don't want to be turned into the scapegoat.

I never want to hear myself being blamed for problems that aren't mine. I don't want to be mentioned as the cause of a fight. I don't ever want Bv to tell her that we're going out because I invited them. I never want to have to lie that I'm not hanging out with Bv because we're afraid she'll get pissed and cause drama. And I never want to have to remind Bv that just a week ago or a day ago he said he would take care of things and listen to his excuses why he still hasn't.


I hate that I'm sounding like I'm making demands. But I no longer have the patience, or the stamina, or the desire to be the punching bag for all the goddamn crap that the two of them have. Look for another scapegoat Bv and girl, I am no longer willing to serve myself as the sacrificial lamb on the godforsaken altar of your cyclical and entirely dramatic relationship. I quit.