Bitchicisms

Well...not really...

It's just that the actual H killed my psychological and emotional idea of H. He did it by giving me the talk.

Sounds ominous I know. That's because it is. It was. He forced it when I was vulnerable and I didn't want to hear it but he wanted to be honest before we had sex so that he wouldn't be taking advantage of whatever feelings I had for him.

It was nice. He is nice.

But he crushed it. The daydreams and fantasies of what is he really likes me too? what if he wants a relationship? what if this is something serious? were crushed. I mean, I still would've freaked out if the talk had gone the other way, but I would've been happier than hearing he's just not into relationships right now.

I mean, ok fine. He said he really, really liked me. He said that if he wanted a relationship he'd look for me even if I was already in a relationship. But he doesn't want me to wait for him. And he explained why he was a horrible shudder boyfriend.

I dunno if this is cos I really, really liked him, or an ego thing. But goddamn! What was all that conversation about? I mean, I believe it when he says he likes my company, my conversation, because it shows. He's attentive and sweet and despite the fact I'd probably given him blue balls for the past couple of weeks he's not pushing for sex.

He just made me jaded again. H burst my bubble. I believed he was different and he wasn't. I honestly wasn't looking for a marriage proposal. What I wanted to hear was: I really like you (he got that part right) and maybe this can go somewhere real.

That was all I wanted to hear, instead I got the I like you but...(rambling, endless rambling).

For me liking someone enough to take it the next step, or even want to think about possibly taking the next step, doesn't matter on where I am in my life, or what I'm immersed in. It matters on how I feel about this person, and whether he could possibly be it. I don't see H as a good partner, in fact, I think he'd be horrible. I just wanted some assurance that we were getting to know each other because we could possibly have something. Not because he wanted to be an addition to my wide wide world of guy friends.

I'm keeping my distance now. Cos sorry, I have enough friends...

UPDATE: and oh yeah, why the fuck does he miss me now? Cos I stopped texting him regularly he looks for me? He peppers me with sweet nothings? Goddamit!