Bitchicisms

I have two new obsessions. Girls and Rape.

No, they don't have to be cosequential. They're just two things that have managed to penetrate my mind despite this blue funk I'm in.

Girls, well, that was fairly recent. I thought my bicuriosity died already, what with the disappearance of adventurous girl friend E. Then as I was wallowing the other day, friend from Tx A suddenly sends me a link to a Shane (The L Word) clip on YouTube. I was mesmerized.

Then I saw two college girls from Miriam making out. Damn.

I've been fixated on this whole girl on girl scenario thing for the last couple of days. When I see hot chicks I just...god...feels like there are fingers crawling on my skin. Makes me shiver yet also tickles me deep inside, like a curl of fire licking my insides.

Women now...when they're especially hungry...and the fires are stoked in their bellies and they just want to ravage each other. Its so...fucking erotic and beautiful and just freaking hot...passionate. Cos it really is all about pleasure. They don't have to worry about anything. There's all that pretty skin and that smell of women...That sweet, innocent, clean smell. And that hair, that soft pretty hair I can't get enough of. Pink tongues and round nipples all perky and tasty and soft breasts and thighs...

Another thing is rape. I'm looking for someone to rape me. It's actually quite an urgent desire. I just want someone to try. I feel I need to be exorcised in a violent, strong way. I need to be punished and taken like a woman needs to be taken by a man at least once in her lifetime. I need to be forced. I want to submit. I want to be taken. Roughed up. I need to feel this.

I remember a time before when I was actually roguhed up in this manner. It was probably my ex. That big hot bastard. Fucked me, used me, mauled me. I think he even left bruises. It was inevitable, how hard he gripped me and handled me.

It was something I wanted. Something I've been craving ever since. Yes some men will be rough when asked, especially when they sense I like it. The whole ass spanking, shoulder biting, rough growling questions. That's a given. But that's not all I want.

I want to be owned. I want to be used...I want to submit. I want to feel mortal. To feel fire and get burned by that flame. I want passion. I want violence and testosterone and strength and gripping hands. And yes, I want to be punished. I dunno what for. I just want it.

It's an ache and an unfulfilled fantasy. The last one that came close to fulfilling it was V. Except he knew nothing about psychological torture. About torturing someone with pain and pleasure and taking them to new heights of sensation. He doesn't know how good it would be if he delayed it, his and my gratification, until it became pain.

He knew a little. Mostly he was not evil enough to see it through. He teased me once. I ended up sucking his cock and he had to throw me down on the bed.

I want to be raped. Preferably but not necessarily by a woman.

Yes I'm thinking of Shane. And of this girl I sat beside with one night when I was commuting. I got so distracted I got off at the wrong stop. She shivered my timbers.

I want to be scorched. I guess I want to feel life. And I want to fulfill some of my dreams. Be less afraid. Mostly I am really really horny. And I want to be disciplined by someone as soft as me. Yes Shane. Or Marina. When she seduces Jenny in the first episode of the first season of The L Word.