Bitchicisms

I haven't been ok these past few days. I've been very very far from okay.

I haven't been able to sleep well since I found out about this. So understandably I've played hooky...I've looked for Valium to help me sleep. And yes apaprently I still look horrid.

I have had to rethink my life. All of it. Not just the parts which don't make sense but even the parts that make sense.

I've tried not to burden anyone with my crap. Mostly C knows about it, but I don't wanna intrude too much into his life (something I think I'm already guilty of at this point). Friends who are also grieving have no idea how heavy this is hitting me (I have a lot of masks).

Even the guy I kind of like, H, didn't really know about it until recently.

He contacted me to apologize for being too busy to talk. And he asked how I was. I was honest. I told him that I wasn't so hot. Then came the stories. And his explanations. I told him he didn't need to explain. I need comfort and he's not available to give any to me. I'll just go away.

I don't wanna be here when he turns around and comes back. I wanna be far far away. I just feel like, I need someone to be here for me. Not just someone I'll always be there for.