Bitchicisms

O,
I am sorry I never got to do it with you. It seemed like something worth trying at least just once. I am still curious. But our friendship and the progress we've made with that friendship is something I treasure more than what would have been a fleeting and temporary instant of sexual gratification.

You are insane and sometimes offensive yet you bring out the best and worst in me. I thank you for bringing me into your world. Your bar. I know it was begrudgingly and sometimes you regret doing so, yet meeting H, and yes, even V, and seeing C again were opportunities of a lifetime. I have become more myself and definite in life because of you. You have taught me many things and I know your business acumen is very very precious. I treasure you even though you never really treasured me.

Your life is something I am happy to be privy to.

V,
Yes. Thank you for letting me experience 6 orgasms in one night. Thank you for nurturing the masochist in me. For letting me feel pain. And letting me know what a rim job and anal sex feel like. I can sometimes still feel you. I miss you fucking me. Even though you have a girl now. I sometimes still want you. Even when I was seeing H I still wanted to have sex with you. You were the ultimate uncomplicated sex partner.

H,
I still regret that we had something less than what we could've had. Yet I know it's the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I needed you to let me feel pain. I needed to want you and not get you and feel messed up and take time for myself. I needed to feel. And I felt pain after you. I felt all tingly and tight and horny and then I felt warm and like shit and so dirty.

You made me feel.

And that is something I will never forget. Maybe it would have been better if you hadn't been gracious and nice and intelligent and everything.

I know now we could never ever be anything other than just fuck buddies. We would've started killing each other once we were tied up and we would've been dead in two weeks time. And I know now I could not take the lifestyle you have and it is best that you are back with M and I know you are happy as you deserve to be.

I occasionally miss you and sometimes I still want you yet the main feeling is relief that I realized, faster than I knew before, that it was time to leave.

I will stop blaming myself for being too distant or closed off, because I knew you wanted things that way. Because you were also closed off and often distant.

B (DiVirginizer),
You. Made me. Bleed. Very very badly. Because I wanted it. I liked it. You were the first. I liked you so much. Despite the fact that you were not that hot and not that good (something I realized years later). I liked you because you liked me. And you were sincere.

I pushed you away. Though I think you were confused at that time too. I didn't exactly encourage you. I'd always been detached and lost and I felt that I did not want to nor need to be with anyone. And I saw you again after several years and pretended not to know you even when you were my first fuck, first love, first heartbreak.

I think you taught me the fine points of dealing with someone you loved yet could not love. Unrequited love. What a beauty.

You told me off later. Said I pushed you away that you wanted to be with me yet I felt the need to blow all that up and run away while still being near enough to make out.

N (X),
Thank you. Just plain thank you. For everything.

Emotions flooded me whenever I was with you. I became overwhelmed with a barrage of feeling that I haven't really felt since. I always felt different when I was with you. Like I was a little bit weird. Like I was in love. And I was. I loved you. And I loved loving you. I even loved being in pain after you. I haven't given myself freedom to feel since then. I've never been that into someone else. Despite the others being more handsome, better, bigger, smarter, richer, more suited to me than you. I just have never allowed myself to abandon all control the way I did when I was with you.

P (2 or 3 year FB),
My longest relationship. I guess because you loved nothing more than cunnilingus. I also guess it was because we were uncomplicated and just simple. We had sex. Just sex. No strings attached. Just that. Fucking. No pretensions of anything else.

It was time to leave when I did walk away from our little thing. I mean, you were getting old. You were having difficulty keeping up. And while that would've been ok with someone I actually liked, FBs who had difficulty keeping up weren't really desirable.

A (college lust),
I'd always wondered what it would be like to fuck you. And fate gave me that chance to figure it out and finally experience it. Finally I could have it and let you fuck me and hear you shout "Oh God" as you came. I finally got to touch your smooth soft butter caramel colored skin. And see your face. Near and near and near and very very pretty. I got to see you look at me as you asked me to hold you.

F (nice boy),
Maybe. Just maybe. In time. I might be ready for nice boys like you.