Bitchicisms

As I was attending to my long neglected "manicured lawn", I had this thought: After what I did, how I walked out and turned my back on my lover (rather, ex-lover), who the hell was gonna see my pussy now? Who is going to appreciate its clean shave and the mound smooth as a baby's butt? Who would notice the meticulous trimming of hair in hard to reach places. (As I'm writing this I'm watching Heroes and have just witnessed the appearance of Stan Lee)

All I know is that right now I just want to be in this vacuum where I can be alone and retreat and heal and just disappear, fly below radar. I met my karma and I know I need to be more careful. I need time to regenerate and heal and figure things out.

Now that I know that like (yes I still refuse to call it love) can also affect me, I need to be more careful about this whole sleeping around thing.

Despite the defenses and intricate mechanisms for hiding against any entanglements that might hurt me, I still get affected. I still get what's coming to me. Karma. Bloody karma.

I kissed A in font of H. H saw it. No nasty comments. Except for a colored one referring to me playing games with anyone else, he totally accepted that. Because we weren't exclusive. We were just friends who were dating.

Then I see him flirting (mildly) with another girl, and I storm out. I send him angry SMS messages and tell him good bye.

I walk out of his life. I tell him goodbye. Despite all the good times and the chemistry and the feeling good around him. Despite the funny, charming and adorable ways of H, I decided to walk out of it.

Because I know it was a dead end. Because I know I want more than that. Because I know. That the sex he gave me would never be enough. Because what I wanted was the times before we had sex, the conversations, the joking.

O says H was never boyfriend material and I knew that. But H was like a Trojan horse. He sneaks into your defenses and refuses to budge. He's like a virus that gets underneath your skin and stays there and refuses to budge.

But, it's been a week since I walked out on him and he has made no attempts to contact me, no moves to patch things up or explain.

I'm betting he knows he can't help no matter what he says. Because he will never be relationship material. He will never be house broken or potty trained. He will always just be that dude who flirts with all the girls and is charming and sweet. And on top of that he will always be the guy who is always late, late for dates, late for work. He is not focused, not that responsible and not that safe or stable.

I need something else. Sex can wait.