Bitchicisms

Sometimes all we really need is a good fucking wank. I mean masturbating. It's part of the ritual. The sex first. The part which is amazing. Then the reminiscing about it. And then the masturbating over it. The other part which is equally as amazing.

It's not that the sex isn't enough, or that I can't get laid. Right now, off the top of my head, there are about 6 numbers I can call to set a sex date, some of them may even run to meet me at this late hour. I just love to masturbate.

There's just something intensely personal about it. I have masturbated in front of other people though. While that's an immensely arousing and satisfying experience, I have to say I still love just plain masturbating.

There's a control in it. A heat that comes just from me. My pussy. My fingers. My clit. My hole. It's all about me. And that's the person I love the most.

I have more orgasms from masturbating than from sex. But it all happens very quickly. I can get about four or five massive ones just from me touching myself. And it happens in less than an hour.

It takes me longer with a partner. I don't know why. It just happens that way. Sometimes I think that I fuck just so I have more fodder for my masturbation. All sexual experiences stored away in a part of my brain. Little mpeg bits that I use and rehash when I fuck myself.

I love having sex. I adore most of the partners I've had recently. Well except for the speedfucker. They can get me off, some better and faster than others. But me, fucking myself with my own fingers? Like a timed rocket.

He asks me "I have a question. I've seen you naked. I like your body. Why are you walking around with a sheet?"

And I was. I realized, damn right he does like my body. In fact he loves fucking me. So why was I walking around with a sheet? I gave my first excuse, "I'm cold." 

"Okay," he says. 

Then I tell him, "I'm shy."

"I understand."

After that, I stopped walking around with a sheet.

One of the main differences between men and women, I believe, is their motive. There are long standing jokes about women after a date wherein they dissect everything and men just think in plain terms, and half the time don't even know if there's a problem.

I'm bringing this up now beause, well, I'm trying to figure out something. Which is bad. Why? Well because if you are it means either something isn't working or something is working too well. 

Situation: A man has turned me down. I wanted to have sex and he did not. The reasons he gave are the following:

1. He knows I'm really a nice girl and I'm just drunk.
2. We have certain common friends (who he probably doesn't want to know about a tryst because he may be trying to fuck some of them).
3. He has to maintain his creative flow because he has to write.
4. He sees something more in me and he thinks we can be friends (the first part of this made my eyes pop a little).

Just the fact that there are several entries in the list above already made me confused what the deal was. I have evidence that this man is interested in me:

1. He held my hand and kissed it.
2. He asked for my number.
3. He started the flirting with his body language. 
4. He initiated the first time we kissed (I was going to kiss him on the cheek but he turned his head so it landed on his lips and I was like, ok.)
5. He has kissed me again. 
6. And yes, I am gonna say it, I see it in his eyes. 

And granted, yes, the man is not hot. Well, his face looks ordinary enough but his body is kind of bear-ish in the old way I liked (taller than me and meaty. reference: V, X). And he is quite funny yet not as charming as some of the guys I've met (read:H and others), we have a lot in common and we can be good friends. But honestly, I just really wanted to fuck this one. And he turned me down. Which has NEVER happened to me before.

So we get drunk and I crash and I force him (very easily) to sleep in the same bed. I'm down to my knickers and he's got on shorts and a shirt. We groped, I went down on him a little, I masturbated (and came) 2x and he fondled my tits and put his fingers inside me. There was one time he was even jacking off behind me as we were spooning and he was slapping his cock against me. Most of that was my fault, but he initiated some too and he wasn't stoppind me too hard. Here are some of the lines he uttered during the night:

"It's not you. You're really really hot. " (uttered 10 times to which I always replied, "uh yeah"

"You must think I'm stupid." (often uttered after the line above to which I would again answer, "uh yeah.)

"You have a nice ass. I thought that when I met you, that you have nicely shaped hips."

"Listen do you wanna just go running with me tomorrow?"

"Why did you stop sucking me?" (I replied, cos you're not gonna fuck me anyway.)

"Why me, you can have any man you wanted. I bet you can get another man in 20 minutes."

 "Do you want to wake up and have a guy open your mouth like this (he presses my cheeks and opens my lips) and have him come inside your mouth?" (I told him it depends if we've already had sex)

"God you are so wet."

"Most women would be grateful..." (I'm assuming he means that they've been respected. I didn't want respect that night. I just wanted to fuck.)

If that isn't ocnfusing then I don't know what is. Two main points have been raised that may explain why things happened. One is that he really really wants to fuckour common friend and another is that it was a style. If it was the former, well, not sleeping with me will not ruin his chances and I guess the groping wouldn't work in his favor either. The funny thing is, I have no plans of telling our common friend. We're not as close as we appear to be. If it's the former, I guess it could work if I really really wanted to sleep with him. But nooow...not really... 

But I do agree with him. I am really really hot.

Hitting it. Soon. I think I may already have. Hating so many things. Hating so many people. Things and people that are (seemingly) a part of my life. Getting wasted doesn't seem like such a good idea. I don't trust people. I don't trust myself. I don't even what to fuck.

here are several signs of depression. One of it being not wanting to have sex. But then again I can still sleep. I can still eat. I can still masturbate. But fuck if I don't want to destroy everything in my life. Leave everyone I know. Shit on everything I own. Destroy things. Hurt people. Just completely remove them from my life.

Every time I got this urge I turned it toward things that may not have been the best idea for me. Ate everything I could lay my hands on. Or fuck everything that moved within my line of sight. Once I got so focused on not eating I lost 31 lbs. in 2 - 3 months. Because I stopped eating.

Now? What do I do now?

Abandon all the things I've worked on? Abandon the relationships I've built? I know where it comes from now. Hate. Self-hate. I'd always vowed I'd try to channel these destructive urges towards things that are good for me.

So here. I vow. To go on a purge. To purge myself. Of food. Of sex. Of friends. Of material things.

I'm sick of people thinking they know me. I'm sick of people I don't trust. I'm sick of people who want to fuck me, or who want me to do something, or who think I'll always go along with what they want. I'm sick of other people's problems. I'm sick of all this fucking shit.

Yes. I hate them. I hate me. I hate my life. And it's time to stop thinking about what else I could be doing, or why I'm not doing what I could actually be doing. An emotional enema. To remove all emotions. To stop feeling at ease with all these fuckers I can't trust.

Lines are blurred. People are uncaring. Life is shit. There are so many problems. And yet people tell me I need to do this for them when they have barely done anything for me.

Fuck harmony. Fuck peace. I don't want any of those. I don't want boring shit anymore. I need something else. I will stop listening to people who only think they know me or what I want or what I need or what I feel. How dare they? They are assholes.

And no this isn't period related. This is not related to jealousy or stupidity or lack of sex. It's me. And all the goddamn things around me. And all the people around me. I don't want this life. I want a new one. And despite all the times I've been whining and shit about this situation I will actually, no fucking around seriously, do something about it now.

A life. A life I want. Let the great purging experiment begin.

Scenes from past exploits keep flashing through my brain lately. 3 weeks without sex can do this to a woman. A woman on her period no less. One who just has to compensate by masturbating (yes women can masturbate, even on their period).

Me on lying on my stomach. Him on top of me, his cock moving in and out of my pussy. His hands pressing mine against the bed. I'm screaming, moaning loudly as he keeps fucking me with his huge cock. He bites me on my shoulder. Hard. I scream harder. He grabs my hair and pull my face closer to his for a brutal kiss.

Me sitting in front of a computer. Him suddenly standing behind me. His hands suddenly reach for my tits. He massages them, squeezes the nipple. As I open my mouth to moan he kisses me. Upside down, spiderman style.

Me on the phone, my hands on my pussy. Him a couple of thousand miles away listening to me moan. I press my face against the pillow to stifle the sounds I make. But I keep the phone close so he can hear.

Him a couple of thousand of miles away. On the phone. In the bathroom. Masturbating. I can hear him come. 15 minutes later he goes back inside the bathroom much to his family's surprise and confusion. I keep him masturbating for me.

In church, at mass, in the times I went to mass. Him far away, sending me evil text messages as I pretend to listen to the priest. Me squeezing my legs together as my mother tells me to pay attention.

My nipples hard at a talk. I am wearing a white blouse and someone is sending sex thoughts my way.

Him on top of me, fucking me. That dirty smirk on his face after he knows I've already come several times. He keeps thrusting his big fat cock inside me. Watching my face.

Me riding him. The first time we had sex. I'm close to having a massive orgasm. He asks, "are you coming?" I nod wordlessly, my mouth agape, gasping and thrusting and fucking him. "I know, I can feel it," he says. Three seconds later I come hard around his cock and he reaches up for me to hold me as he comes too.

Me half asleep. Him just finishing watching a movie. He curls up behind me. His hand wrapped around my left tit. He starts kissing my bare back. I turn to face him and we begin round 2.

Him on top of me. Thrusting. Hard. We're on the floor. "I'm coming," he says. I tell him, "come baby." He looks perplexed. "Are you sure?" "I'm safe." He speeds up amidst our moans and groans until he comes inside me.

I'm lying on my back, half-drunk and lost in a daze of orgasm and sexual arousal. His hands are thrusting inside me. Young boy. "There's so much," he wonders, as my juices coat his hand. I've been coming repeatedly for the past 20 minutes. He crawls to go down on me. My hands pulls his hair.

I'm walking on the way to the restroom. He reaches out a hand to grab me. He pulls me to the men's room. He's squeezing my tits. In about 5 seconds flat my left tit was fully exposed. He leans down to suck and bite it. I moan as I hold on to his head.

Some theories say that a man thinks of sex every so number of seconds. I think the attention spans of men are a little too short to think about sex for a prolonged period of time. They probably just get flashes of images like a sudden image of tits or pussy that's enough to get them off.

Admittedly it is easy to get men horny. It is especially easy to get men off. Something proven by something Jm once said, "Any sex is good sex." Men of course think it's something special to get women off. Because face it, women are more picky than men.

Some guys are good just for quickies in example: Cc and Ak. Some men are good for extended liaisons: H and V. Guys like The Speedfucker, are no good at all.

Learning how to manage your stable is the most crucial thing for a player. You've got to know which choices to pick dependent on your mood. Men will always come. It's in their nature, all they really need is a warm hole. Women choose who they give their pussy to. And even promiscuous ones like me, still choose.

Ak was horrible at extended liaisons. For one, he's schedule was insane, being a call center dude. And his stamina sucks. He had a tendency to fall asleep. Cc is somewhat the same. He needs to sleep before he can fuck. Young boys fuck a couple of times in quick succession. Experienced men can fuck very well and can go on for what seems like forever. V and H are primary examples. V knew how to last. H, being an older man, does need his rest. But that rest is only a couple of minutes long. Then he starts fucking again. And he knows how to fuck.

Men basically just choose which woman is available. The trick is to get them to remember you first so that you're on top of the list. What does that trick entail? Sport fucking.

Sport fucking means treating fucking like a game. When most women fuck, they are tentative, unsure or shy. This masks several insecurities. Some which not even I am immune to. Women who sport fuck love sex. Love their bodies. Love fucking men. They masturbate often because they like having orgasms. They prefer fucking because energy is different when it is transferred between two people. Because the energy builds up and strengthens and causes a gigantic explosion in the end. They prefer fucking because they like having another body to hold on to. They prefer fucking because it means giving pleasure to another person. I am a sport fucker. And we, sport fuckers, like to fuck.

Men like to fuck girls who like to fuck because, well, it makes them feel good. When men encounter a woman who loves sex, they feel that they are good in bed. It's hard to make a woman enjoy sex, or so I've heard. When they see a woman who genuinely enjoys it, they can have 1 of 2 reactions, they either get scared because they can't handle it or they enjoy that woman more. The men who love sport fuckers, they are the ones who learn more. And fuck better in the end.

I realized only recently that the pivotal movie of my childhood was Chasing Amy. Saw it when I was in high school, it was one of those Kevin Smith things that I always loved. And having seen it again it reminded me of why I chose this lifestyle in the first place.

In the movie of course the couple didn't end up together. The guy got scared of a sexually-experienced girls. I know that's real. Guys get scared of experienced girls. Even the last one, who was basically just a fuck-and-a-half, decided I was scary shit because I slept around.

Guys are always scared of competition. Which is why they're scared of strong women, especially strong women who knew more about sex than they did. I try to keep an innocent face when I go out with guys. Because if they actually knew what I knew, I bet they'd be scared.

See I'm a fucker, and I enjoy it. I love fucking. And one of the things that guys don't understand is that when you've had all that, and you've tried everything, once you settle for something real, it's different.

I always tell girl friends that players are the best partners if you can get them to stop cheating. This is because when you've had anything and everything, and you decide to settle for something that's exclusive, then it's a choice.

I've been told several times by men that I was too good for them. In a way, I think this is true. I am strong, I am ambitious, I am smart and funny and appear to be a bit hot. I scare a lot of men, and even women, with the straightforward sexuality.

I've done a lot of shit in my time. Some things I never thought I would ever do until I was actually doing it. Some of them I did because I was in the heat of the moment, some because I thought it would be fun, some because I just wanted it. And the weight of those things are on me. Most men can't handle it.

But I know that this deep-rooted principle of not settling comes from that movie. I still stand by the things I did, and if people can't handle that then it's not really my problem. H, despite the apparent 'connection', never really took me seriously because, well, I was fucking his friend V, fooling around with his friend O and he thought I was sleeping with another of the Den regulars. My X, who is kind of an asshole, was always scared because he felt little compared to me, and he wanted me to be as small as he felt. Even guy friends Bv and O sometimes feel the need to bring me down. Of course they do it in teasing ways, but some of it's too pointed to ignore. Some girls even occasionally feel the need to point out the error of my ways.

All the other guys I fucked are practically meaningless of course. Or they meant something which wasn't important. There still hasn't been anyone worth giving up all the other experiences for.

And, like Alyssa Jones in Chasing Amy, I did try everything I wanted to try. And I enjoyed them. And they were that time, that place, those feelings and the things. I won't follow what society says I have to do, like get a boyfriend or a girlfriend or settle for things I don't like, or be with someone I'm not sure I want to be. I like my life. I don't want to mellow, I don't wanna to be nicer, I want to keep fucking and having fun. Let me be who I am and I won't bother you. Seriously.

Been flying a little straighter and a little nicer the last couple of days. Have turned down a couple of invites. Have been behaved and tried to keep my trap shut. Resting my weary ass.

Getting laid has become too easy. Now when I want to rest I get offers. Which is a little bit weird. But that's the way the cookie crumbles. When you don't want it, it comes. When you do it doesn't. The things you want control you.

So here I am keeping my cool. Just trying to keep my head above water and my pussy out of trouble. While offers keep tumbling in I keep trying to maintain my goals of hiatus and, well, a little less sluttiness.

Some of my past decisions have come back to bite me in my huge gargantuan ass. So I've decided to just stay away from the possibility of bad decisions. Men, guys and boys aren't equal. And, despite the fact I adore the last I had some major changes have got to be made.

In an effort to be less, well, accommodating to cocks and robbers, I have decided to post some red flags which will signal to me that the one I have my eye on is a very bad idea.

1. Likes crappy music. The definition of crappy music may vary, and I try not to be a musical slob as I end up eating my words eventually (Damn you Paramore! You're hot female lead made me change my mind). However, there are some non-negotiable bands. Locally, I would never be with guys who like: Cueshe, Six Cycle Mind, Hale, novelty songs (except for cutesy advertising jingles). And those who take Parokya ni Edgar too seriously are out (I mean, they do have some good songs, but recent albums contain too many parodies of something else). For foreign acts, guys who like: Michael Learns to Rock are definitely out. Same goes for acts I don't know who are irrepressibly cheezy.
   
2. Call Center Agents and Bartenders. Sorry, had enough of that kind. The first type is screwy when it comes down to sheer logistics. And, well, being an ex-call center agent myself, quite promiscuous. Plus what the hell do we talk about? The latter? Just cos I've had too much of that type.
3. Guys with backne. Uherm. Back acne? My skin's not perfect but when I run my hand down a man's back I want to feel smooth skin, not bumps. And yes I have been fooled by guys with nice skin everywhere except on their back. It's just disappointing.
   
4. Recyclables. Meaning, guys who I've had and already discarded. And guys that I've passed on before. Sure I adore H, always will probably. But this whole thing is not... advisable. And yes, I do intend to stop. Despite the rocking, amazing motherfucking great sex we have. Same goes for the weiners who are trying their luck again despite the fact I passed on them before. Yes, I have a list of names in mind.
5. Guys in relationships. I have inadvertently had sex with married men. Okay, if you feign innocence, that bites you in the ass. Sometimes, it's a matter of not asking because you don't wanna know, or being lied to. Men who wanna fuck will do anything to get it (lie, cheat and steal). While this was previously an unimportant factor, the sheer trouble of trying to locate his ass or sometimes even of fucking the man becomes a problem. And no cock is worth the trouble. And there is the improbable possibility I might fall for him. Hahahahah hahah (cue laugh track here).

Aside from these there are also resolutions I would like to make:

1. Try anything once. Meaning: I need new fuckers who do not remind me of previous ones.
2. Teach a man as much as possible the first time.
   
3. No more motherfucking quickies!
4. Rule of threes: 3 fucks in quick succession then discard, or once every three weeks.