Bitchicisms

I found the most appropriate song on my iPod for my current mood.

Well I wanted you
I wanted no one else
I thought it through
I got you to myself
You got off
Every time you got on to me
I got caught up
In favorable slavery

Was it wrong? Was it wrong?

I guess it wasn’t really right
I guess it wasn’t meant to be
It didn’t matter what they said
‘Cause we were good in bed
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons
No, it didn’t matter what I tried
It’s just a little hard to leave
When you’re going down on me
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons

Well you know my friends
Well they know your enemies
I’d pretend
Not to hear what they said to me
‘Cause I got off
Every time you got on to me
Was it wrong
To go along with insanity?

Was it wrong? Was it wrong?

I guess it wasn’t really right
I guess it wasn’t meant to be
It didn’t matter what they said
‘Cause we were good in bed
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons
No, it didn’t matter what I tried
It’s just a little hard to leave
When you’re going down on me
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons


I guess it wasn’t what I wanted,
It wasn’t really what I thought,
I thought it was the day I got,
I want it all to go away,
I guess it wasn’t what I wanted,
It wasn’t really what I thought,
I thought it was the day I got,
I want it all to go away,
I guess it wasn’t what I wanted,
It wasn’t really what I thought,
I thought it was the day I got,
I want it all to go away,
I guess it wasn’t what I wanted,
It wasn’t really what I thought,
I thought it was the day I got,
I want it all to go away

I guess it wasn’t really right
I guess it wasn’t meant to be
It didn’t matter what they said
‘Cause we were good in bed
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons
No, it didn’t matter what I tried
It’s just a little hard to leave
When you’re going down on me
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons

I always thought that the best compliments are those given by those who know what they're talking about. So when a person I find hot calls me hot, then that means something.

I have had a pretty good winning streak when it comes to sex. Most (not all) of the men I've slept with have gone back around looking for it. Most all of them come back. Most all of them want it again. Plus the fact I've been fucking young boys, this mostly means that I get complimented a lot.

They're all easy. Too easy in fact. I'm kind of getting tired of how easy it is to get laid nowadays (wait til I stop getting it, then I'll start complaining there's no one to sleep with). I've gotten used to Ak complimenting me. To Cc trying to fondle me stealthily. To Ry awkwardly trying to get into my pants. To that speedfucking dude trying desperately (and unwittingly) to get into my pants. But when someone you consider a master compliments you, that's something.

H told me recently that sex with me was always great. And, as I see it, there was no reason for him to lie. Fuck I was already naked with him when he said that. There was also this conversation:

H: Would you be offended if I told you whenever I see you I think about sex?

JG (Jean Grey): No.

H: Whenever I see you I think about sex.

JG: I thought you always thought about sex. What do you mean?

H: It's just that when I see you or think about you I think 'I wonder what she's gonna teach me next?'

JG: Really? But...You're more....advanced....in years...

But yeah I was happy. Flattered. Of course young boys may think I'm good but when it comes to H, it's actually a compliment. Cos he has had more girls. And he's quite good himself. I think its just the chemistry.

I forgot to tell him I thought about sex whenever I thought about him too...

I really believe in saying/doing/feeling whatever I want. And I don't believe these thoughts should be suppressed so here it goes:

• what the fuck am i gonna do with all the cheezy songs I downloaded for you? (delete it)
  
• the playlist i created for your mixed CD would've been great!
  
• i was gonna teach you the biting thing next
• i haven't even swallowed your cum yet :(
• but i am hotter than her
• i wanted to tell you something about your penis...
• sex was good but not that good
• does this mean i can give the bags to my mom?
• i wanted to take care of you
• i hope you still try to clean your room
• i liked it when you were taking care of me
• i liked it better when you were just a voice on the phone
• next time you have an affair, try ending it better
• i wanted to improve your taste in music...
• ...and in movies...
• ...and in clothes...
• i'm really not as much of a spoiled brat as you think i am
• i do think you should go back to school
• you're a nice boy, don't cheat
• i still don't believe in religion
• i kinda flinched whenever you prayed before eating, i was wondering where the hell i found you and why the hell i kept you around
  
• it was nice that you sang for/to me, that hasn't happened in a while
• i will try to sing videoke more
• i wanted to mother you
• i am still going to grow my hair longer though
• you were stifling me
• you had to ask me thrice who i was talking to?
• i am tempted to tell you to look for me when you're single, but i know i will never really take you seriously...
• ...i probably would have cheated on you...
• ...i was kind of looking forward to cheating on you actually...
• ...i felt i wanted to teach you a lesson...
  
• you should be flattered
• i think your lisp is cute
• you were...average
• making out with you in public was nice
• you pretend to be nice, when you're actually not
• you did end up making me miserable...just for a little while though
• i curse you, you will...everyone does
• you were right, you didn't deserve me
• you reminded me of my ex...
• ...and A...
• ...and kinda like Cc...
• ...but i did like you
• for no reason at all
• i was going to make you sooo good in bed
  

I seem to have lost it. Or misplaced it.

Ever since I made the not terribly smart yet horribly compelling choice to see this man steadily, my instincts have been off. I got victimized by a speedfucker. I have not accepted the blatant attempts at flirting care of H and Cc. I am unfocused and undisciplined when it comes to work. I am distracted and moody. Or maybe this is all me PMS-ing. Or maybe because he got me used to constantly talking to him. Then he got me used to constantly seeing him. Then he just went away.

Regardless. I have been all of those things recently. Insane mood swings. Acting high as a kite then low as...well...an ant that lives underground? Anyway, there I was pissed, bored, lazy, still sleepy. And a chance to play presents itself.

An old friend is online. One of the boys we used to work with. One I never got to play with.

To provide a little back story: everyone teased him about being gay behind his back. I never really thought he was actually gay, I just always thought he was weak. We got to be close before. I got to talk to him a lot because he seemed like the mature one in the group. We got to hang out one on one. Bv always said it was because this boy wanted me too.

Everything came to a head when I asked him to drop by the office. He actually lived nearby so it wasn't that much of a problem. It was just me and Bv anyway. So yes he drops by. Imagine my shock when I see him all dressed up. Fresh from the bath no less. Looking all fresh and kind of cute...

So he comes. I want to say I was prepared, except I wasn't. A number of late nights and all-nighters...I looked tired, haggard. Bv, being who he is, gave us a chance to be alone. And the opportunity was there. He was shy, wouldn't look at me. Yet he kept coming near me. Kept wanting contact, wanting proximity. And I didn't take it.

In my defense, I was thinking of taking Ak seriously at the time. And I was tired. But the hunting instinct could've been there. Prey was rubbing against the predator, yet the predator did not bite.

So the prey went home. Bv surprised, shocked and generally concerned as to why the prey slipped away. I told him I was tired. Then I told him I was distracted. Ak was on my mind at the time. And yeah, it kinda felt...not worth it?

This boy was sweet. He was kinda. But the lack of balls on his part kinda clinched it for me. Someone who can barely look you in the eye is kinda weaker. I no longer want weaker men.

And yes, yes, the circle of life. I am familiar with the movie the Lion King. I know what it means. I have the quintessential Disney soundtrack album downloaded (I know, so uncharacteristic right?).

Yes, also like the gin commercial: Bilog ang Mundo (the world is round).

So why do I say this? Because I am almost exactly where I am after I ended it with H. We-eell...not really.

There was no semi-drunken I'm-such-a-dirty-slut mode. There was no overdose of Amy Winehouse songs (hmm...may have substituted that this time for Duffy, with her 'I won't be your mistress anymore' songs). And no, I have not gone on major shopping trip, mostly because I am a bit low on funds. I barely know if I've been hysterical and depressed constantly because of Ak or of the fact I am abandoned with a mountain load of work to do. The lines get blurred sometimes.

I am a chronic escapist, plus I don't often trust my emotions. And I play-act. That plus many of my other flaws (trust issues, penchant for unavailable men, obsessive-compulsive/borderline disorder) makes it hard for me to know how I feel exactly. I mean, how the hell difficult was it for me to decide to gun for Ak right? Oh please, ultra-femme fickleness.

But when you start to get addicted to songs with lyrics such as these...

Stepping Stone
by Duffy

I rememeber way back way back when
I said i never wanna see your face again
Cause you were loving yes you were loving somebody else
And i knew oh yes i knew i couldn't control myself
And now they bring you back into my life again
And so i put on a face just like your friends
But i think you know oh yes you know whats going on
Cause the feelings in me oh yes in me are burning strong

...how the hell can you not think about an old lover who has a girlfriend?! Then the resolve kicks in during the chorus of the same song...


...so yes, my predictions that this whole trip would be over after the weekend was right. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. And I got laid. With H no less. Who recently broke up with his girlfriend (yes, which means we cheated on her the last couple of times we hooked up.sigh.)

So why is life a circle? I am where I was before Ak arrived to fuck it all up. Admittedly it wasn't all his fault. I kinda wanted him to fuck it all up. I wanted to feel something different for a change. Think of it as bungee jumping . It's something stupid, unnecessary yet completely exhilarating.

I admit I wanted to jump. Not because I had to. Not because I felt it was the only course of action I could take. But because it was different from not jumping.

So the emo mode ensued. I was a bit despondent. Didn't indulge in black chocolate and milk though, like the last time. I cried. I think it was because of Ak and not despair at my approaching deadline. I felt like I was going crazy. Thinking about him.

Then I decided I don't give a fuck about anything else. I was going out. And I did. And got some drinks. Ended up with H. Again.

And it was like the reset button was hit. I didn't know the button was hidden aaaaall the way inside... But it was.

Fuck sex is great with H.

Oh and Ak? The weekend is over. And as predicted. Not hurting anymore.

So. I've been decided on the Ak issue. By Ak I mean that boy I was kinda seeing. That boy I had sort of decided I'd pursue actively despite his girlfriend. The boy who I kinda wanted to make the stupid decision for.

First I was confused about whether I would go after him. But then... I decided I would. Then I decided I wouldn't. Then I decided I'd just go with the flow. Then I decided I didn't want to be his mistress anymore. Then at the first sign that he wanted me back (after about 3 days) I went to him. Then I decided I was gunning for it. Then he disappeared.

It all started with him not doing my bidding. Not coming when I asked him to. Despite me pulling all the stops. Which upset me. Then he called after a couple of days hoping to catch me at work. But I wasn't available. Then...silence.

Silence.

Despite text messages that ask him, tell him and basically caress him into seeing me.

Silence.

Then I hear he's just been staying in. That it seems he's gotten caught by the girlfriend.

I check myself. Nope. Not that upset. Missing him of course. Yet not that upset.

Then out of the blue. A phone call. Asking some random thing. Stupid. Casual. I woke up from my nap. Disoriented. Kinda surprised/worried/excited that it was him.

He was...casual. No terms of endearment this time. Just a question. Then he hangs up. I send him an SMS teasing him about his ways.

Then he calls back. Assures me that the reason he couldn't talk was because he was busy. He was getting a haircut. I tease him about not being around then suddenly appearing again. I don't remember how he brushed the topic off. He says he has to hang up and he'll talk to me later.

I send him another SMS. Tease him about going missing.

Silence.

Sent him another message. After wrestling with myself, I decide to ask him why he went missing. I ask if he was in trouble. A clear opening for him to tell me he can't see me anymore because he got caught.

Silence.

Silence.

In the end I tell him to never bother me again.

Here are some of the reasons why I think he called:

1. He really had an important reason for asking me said random casual question. He called back because he wanted to assure me he wasn't avoiding me because...? I dunno. Any statement here aside from the dubious 'he wants to be friends' scenario doesn't fit. Why would he call back to reassure me that he didn't have time to talk but wanted to?
2. He called to ask said question because I would know the answer and he thinks we're ok. He called back for same reason.
3. He called because he misses the sound of my voice. He called back to reassure me that he'll call me again...some day.
4. He called because he knew that he had a hold on me and he wants me fucked up.

There are also these reasons why he didn't reply to my messages or call me back:

1. He became busy.
2. Girlfriend was with him
3. He was too scared to take the hint I left him. He didn't want to say it was over because he was scared of hurting my feelings.
4. He didn't want to end things because he wanted to be able to come back when and if he wanted to.
5. He just didn't think a reply was necessary.

Either way. These reasons just mean he's either a moron or an asshole. And really if those are the only two choices. Then what's the fucking point.

I meant what I said in the SMS though.

Stay The Fuck Away. We are NOT friends. We were LOVERS. Who had an AFFAIR. Let's be specific and just end it. Then I can move forward.

You were right when you said you didn't deserve me. I am too good for you. And I'll prove you right in approximately 7 months. Wait for it.

Wait this sounds eviler than I actually want it to be. Ok I'm still hung up about the sudden disappearance of that dude. And yes I'm kinda bored and I need a break from work so I want to write. However, my main point is: you are too weak for me. I think everyone knew that you. You. Me. Our friends.

It was apparent. Though I let you bully me sometimes. Everyone knew who was stronger. Me.

You were like an incarnation of X. An incarnation I could wipe the floor with. Mainly because though you are cute and sweet and young... you weren't my type.

Ok, what I really want to say to you?

Dear Old Lover,

I am glad you finally made a choice. And I hope you will stick to it. Because I will give in to sex. Always. Even I make a stupid "I don't wanna be your mistress anymore," statement. I'll still fuck you. There is history there. And I have never turned down a good fuck. So stick to it. Let's never see each other again. Promise?

Yep. Searched all the major heart valves, ventricles, arteries, chambers. Heart not broken. All ok. Pride...a little bruised. Yet not that upset. Let him do what he will. And so will I.

Ok. So I made a mistake. I overestimated the hold I had on him. It has now been 1 week and 5 days since we last fucked. So in my mind, this means we're no longer seeing each other. And I have confirmation you've just been avoiding me.

I am actually surprised that this anti-climactic end has not affected me in greater ways. I mean I did like him. I think. I did want him. Definitely. Yet now, I seem to not care that he's away.

Maybe because MMG (my moral guardian, yes a man actually stands as my last defense) was insightful enough to recognize: you don't like him, you're just fascinated.

Yep, fascinated. With the thought, the wonder, the maybe of it all. The possibilities were better than the actual thing. The 'what if?' of something. Something that wouldn't even have lasted a year.

I know us that well baby. I know we don't fit long term. But I still hate it that you disengaged first. Jean Grey always does the leaving. Damn I should've jumped the gun.

But I wanted to see how far things could go. Though I did go all emo-batshit before over this motherfucker, seems that now I've regained my senses and seen the light. Thoughts turn again to my main goal. My main evil goal to be exact.

I always believed vengeance is one of the best motivators in the world. You end up being successful, gorgeous and insanely rich and envy ensues. Be everything all the others can't be.

I have a long list of people to look at when I reach the top. He just got added to the list. One evil goal: make ex-lovers and haters filled with regret.

The program starts now.