Bitchicisms

"...I believe in what I see. That's why I'm a relatively rich man. That's also why I'm a living man. Most people they don't believe what they see... Not unless it goes along with what they already believe." -Richard Ginelli, Thinner by Stephen King

I've been uncertain about posting recent escapades here about a certain someone (haha, let's call him H), since things are still in the "prep" stage.

Well to be perfectly honest the above reason was a lie.

I haven't been posting about H recently because I am halfway in like with him. Yes. In Like. Not the other L-word, this one. In like.

We've gone out on at least one decent date.

And yes we've made out. Twice.

It's been difficult getting together since he's so fucking popular at all of the places we usually go to. These places are his hang outs and we always run into people who know him, sometimes even people who know me. So alone time is pretty rough. particularly since our schedules are both insane.

Bottom lines:

1. I could really, really like him.

2. I'm not 100% sure what his intentions are.

3. He's still remarkably skinny. (Yeah I can be that shallow.)

4. I am obsessing.

I see this stage of dating as a game. It's all a cat and mouse game. You catch someone's attention then you run and wait for them to catch up. Which is sort of what we're both doing I guess.

Well I'm sort of certain this is what I'm doing. However self-preservation states that I obsess about the situation while trying incessantly to avoid any emotional outpouring.

I don't want to get too involved. I also don't want to get upset, rejected, hurt, disappointed and played.

A couple of friends told me that if he's been hanging around this long just to get laid, then he must have the patience of a saint. Well maybe he does. I dunno.

We haven't actually had the ominous "Where is this headed?" conversation however he hinted that we should play it by ear, which is always a good move.

What's been bugging me is that I recently saw him getting a tad bit too close to some other girl one of the times we hung out. I was talking to C, who I haven't seen in ages, and I saw H talking to some girl and using a finger to caress her neck.

So ok, she's an old friend, he claims she's one of his wingchicks, but really, just seeing the whole "...using a finger to caress her neck." line above gets my goat.

I let him know I saw something through SMS and he insisted he had a perfectly good explanation. An explanation I refused to hear the next time we hooked up.

This is a guy who I can speak with freely and not have to censor myself. So far, everything has been going fine except for the whole dilemma about when and how we're going to go out again (since our schedules are extremely contradictory).

However, it's either I'm in self-preservation mode, aka drop that shit and run because of my multiple fears (of rejection, disappointment, and god forbid, commitment and emotional attachment). Or my warning signs are ringing off the hook. Fact of the matter is, yeah I've been sleeping with one of his friends for a while now. And the same fear stands, what if he just wants to get some, same as V.

I have no problems with V being an FB. I mean. He's just...that. An FB. We make no pretenses. H however...well...he acts differently. And sadly he's not hot enough to be an FB. But he gets me enough and I like him enough to be something else.

Yes I am being a dork. And yes people who know me and him who read this will laugh like hell.

But. The above passage from Thinner has given me a whole new perspective. I'll believe it when I see it. Since I can't trust what i feel (hell yeah, women have instincts but I have no idea what my instincts are telling me), I'll believe what I see. If he's nice, sweet, honest, focused on me (yes I am that vain and as much of a narcissist as I appear to be) and all that good crap, then we'll take it from there.

I swear I will stop obsessing. And yes, I have found an emergency brake J. Hopefully if this other asshole amuses me it'll keep my mind off H.