Bitchicisms

So ok. I am.

Haven't gotten any action in 5 weeks. Yes H was the last.

I'm still tempted to make nice with him just so I can scratch this itch I've been feeling. Yet I am resisting.

Mostly because I know it's a bad trap to fall into again. He is like a bottomless pit. You keep expecting the pain yet it never comes, until you have to hit yourself to stop your own self from falling.

Oh and he's like stepping in shit. You don't know you're in until you had that "accident".

It's nice that some common friends are trying to get me to make nice. I mean, after all, it was my fault. I did overreact. I've done worse than flirt with someone else, I've made out with someone else within a 1 meter radius of him.

But. Maybe if he'd asked me. If he really had no idea what that drama was all about. Maybe we'd be ok.

I guess. He doesn't want my drama. And. I guess I'm not worth being concerned over.

After all. We were less than friends, less than lovers. What do you call someone who says he likes you yet cannot do anything to comfort you? A fuck buddy. My problem was not recognizing that fast enough.

Whenever men tell you that they want you to be friends, or that they want you to be more than Fuck Buddies, it means total steaming crap.

Yes. I still am not ready to see H again.

I've always been fixated on how I appeared to people, how weird it was to be me and in a way, what kind of persona I had.

Mixed messages do happen. Much as I would like to declare that I am seen for the multi-faceted brat/bitch/baby that I am, most of the time those things get mixed up.

A lot of people see me right now as a princess. I have no doubt that some people in the office think I'm just some little spoiled brat that gets to do whatever she wants thanks to her mom's money. Some bimbo who goes shopping whenever she's upset (though retail therapy does work).

I guess they don't see the bookworm. Or the kid who was so awkward. Or I guess they don't know I still don't feel comfortable sidling up to strangers in bars. I get this ballsy or bitchy or bratty image.

I guess it's because of my masks. I never really confide everything. I get the whole surface emotions out, but the deep ones, nah...

I've been perceived for some time now as this girl who's game. Someone who's always on and ready for anything. The double digit number probably contributes to that.

I've always loved sex (now isn't that an understatement). It's always been something essential to me. When I'm bored, tired, sleepy, horny and the like I automatically masturbate. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Orgasms rock! Ripping apart my senses like some tidal wave of heat and tingling warmth. But casual sex I need to get away from for now. I need time for myself. By myself. Just me. No friends for a while. No commiserating with dudes who are heartbroken muna.

I guess I neglected myself. My room is a mess, I am overweight. And I haven't been taking care of me. I spent too much time over analyzing that dude when the simple fact of the matter was that NOTHING was gonna happen.

It wasn't my fault. It wasn't his. H is a nice guy. Maybe someday I can tell him that. Right now I need to finish Seasons 1 - 4 of The L Word.

As I was attending to my long neglected "manicured lawn", I had this thought: After what I did, how I walked out and turned my back on my lover (rather, ex-lover), who the hell was gonna see my pussy now? Who is going to appreciate its clean shave and the mound smooth as a baby's butt? Who would notice the meticulous trimming of hair in hard to reach places. (As I'm writing this I'm watching Heroes and have just witnessed the appearance of Stan Lee)

All I know is that right now I just want to be in this vacuum where I can be alone and retreat and heal and just disappear, fly below radar. I met my karma and I know I need to be more careful. I need time to regenerate and heal and figure things out.

Now that I know that like (yes I still refuse to call it love) can also affect me, I need to be more careful about this whole sleeping around thing.

Despite the defenses and intricate mechanisms for hiding against any entanglements that might hurt me, I still get affected. I still get what's coming to me. Karma. Bloody karma.

I kissed A in font of H. H saw it. No nasty comments. Except for a colored one referring to me playing games with anyone else, he totally accepted that. Because we weren't exclusive. We were just friends who were dating.

Then I see him flirting (mildly) with another girl, and I storm out. I send him angry SMS messages and tell him good bye.

I walk out of his life. I tell him goodbye. Despite all the good times and the chemistry and the feeling good around him. Despite the funny, charming and adorable ways of H, I decided to walk out of it.

Because I know it was a dead end. Because I know I want more than that. Because I know. That the sex he gave me would never be enough. Because what I wanted was the times before we had sex, the conversations, the joking.

O says H was never boyfriend material and I knew that. But H was like a Trojan horse. He sneaks into your defenses and refuses to budge. He's like a virus that gets underneath your skin and stays there and refuses to budge.

But, it's been a week since I walked out on him and he has made no attempts to contact me, no moves to patch things up or explain.

I'm betting he knows he can't help no matter what he says. Because he will never be relationship material. He will never be house broken or potty trained. He will always just be that dude who flirts with all the girls and is charming and sweet. And on top of that he will always be the guy who is always late, late for dates, late for work. He is not focused, not that responsible and not that safe or stable.

I need something else. Sex can wait.

For you I was a flame

Love is a losing game

Five story fire as you came

Love is a losing game


Why do I wish I never played

Oh what a mess we made

And now the final frame

Love is a losing game


Played out by the band

Love is a losing hand

More than I could stand

Love is a losing hand


Self professed... profound

Till the chips were down

...know you’re a gambling man

Love is a losing hand


Though I’m rather blind

Love is a fate resigned

Memories mar my mind

Love is a fate resigned


Over futile odds

And laughed at by the gods

And now the final frame

Love is a losing game

(In my mind I change the lyrics to Like is a Losing Game)

Okay remember this post? H is my karma.

The sex. As usual. Was hot.

Sex with H always is.

Foreplay included making faces, a brief physical exam, and a thorough appreciation of the invention of the fabric satin.

Seeing as how my knee still had that stupid wound, we couldn't do my favorite doggie, but we did basically much of everything else.

Most exquisite was when I was on top of him and he asked me to keep just the head of his dick inside me. He told me not to take him all in yet. We savored the feeling of my pussy clenching the head of his cock.

I just realized he had a long exquisite neck. Partly because he's so tall and partly because he's so skinny, that neck is swan like and elegant. And very nice to nibble on.

And so is his cock come to think of it. That pulsing meat. I've had to experiment with the length and size to be able to even take a quarter of it in my mouth. (I'm sorry I have a small mouth and a small jaw. Oh please don't take that against me you asshole men. Besides he's really huge.)

But I love sucking on it now. Maybe because it's so substantial. Unlike the rest of his manorexic frame. His cock makes up for the lack of meat anywhere else in his body. His cock is just a bit too big for me. So much that when the suction breaks you hear that cute "pop" sound.

And of course when we fuck, it's not all fucking. We sleep together a lot. Literally. I realized this when I ended up having a dream beside him. We were spooning and I figured out in that one night that I drooled and that he talks in his sleep. There was also a second instance of the one-word command. This time it was: Cuddle. And yes, I obeyed.

After sex we ended up hungry (as usual) and I asked him to go to a nearby JB.

We go. And people proceed to stare at us for a couple of reasons: 1) H just looks weird. 2) I definitely look like a pretty princess out on an evening party. and it's compounded into one final reason: 3) we don't look as if we should be together.

So anyway we end up eating there, where he proceeds to hand me a "Spicy" flaglet from his chicken cos I was spicy apparently. Then we go home.

Since I got this whole car privileges plus driver combo thing going on, I've been trying to ditch both the car and driver.

Both are obviously aligned with the family, meaning my mother and daddy. So I have to hide my things (sex, drugs and alcohol) from him. At first I wasn't sure where his loyalties lay, whether I could corrupt him. But so far Arr (driver/spy) has proven an alliance with the parental units.

Then a brilliant idea came to me. Why not maximize my mom's trust in my friends who have cars? Brilliant!

Actually, it was an honest deal. I was going out with T who had a car and I asked my mom if I had to bring our car since T already had one. Momma (thank God!) said no.

So I set a thing with T. And as she wanted to meet H (curiosity. it's gotta be the H stories that I've been telling her), I told her we'd chill somewhere then end up with H.

So I set things up. Told Bv and DM I wasn't available as I already had a thing. Told H I'd meet him and that I was free to fuck as I got to escape Arr for the night.

Then the turning point arrived. T was unavailable due to unforeseen circumstances. And I still wanted to go out. So I lied to my mom told her T was just gonna be late. I coerced Bv and DM to go out with me. And we ended up at the bar H,V and O hang out in.

Now, I gotta explain how I looked that night, how I was decked out, to give an idea of how and why certain circumstances arose.

I'd recently purchased this cute conservative looking satin shirt dress that was only a little above the knee with puffy sleeves up to my elbow. I also had a gray shawl with me that I used as a scarf, thin silver hair band, my 3-inch high boots and my purple glasses.

I looked deceptively conservative. Except when I sat down, because the slit of the dress apparently went as high as mid thigh.

So I was chilling with DM and Bv. And I noticed V looking at me. Oh wait, he wasn't looking. He was staring. And I caught him doing it several times. And worse, I caught his girlfriend doing it too.

I have no idea if she knows about my thing with V. But now I fear the worst.

H finally arrived. He took a seat beside me and complimented me. Then DM and Bv had to go home. (now the crazy part) Then O arrived with L (officemate). Then C arrived.

It was funny, O was seated between L and I. And O was teasing me about my outfit. He was caressing my shoulder, feeling the texture of my dress when H suddenly said, "Stop touching her." A surprised O immediately withdrew his hand. And H continued, "cos I'm next." In my mind of course I was going, "Dude, you have no idea..."

There was also one time when I was talking to C, who I do normally flirt with (think of it as normal practice for 2 players who happen to be friends), actually, we were just talking. C being kinda drunk and me being not. Of course he almost spilled beer on my crotch again. But funny I saw H from the corner of my eye, he was about to come over, and when he saw me talking to C he made an "oops" gesture and went away.

So finally things mellowed and H was seated beside me and on my other side was L. H and I started making out heavily. Annoying and kinda embarrassing L. H and I finally did decide to leave.

We left, went to a motel room somewhere and had nice naughty kinky sex.....

Was worried that after the A incident H would be pissed/aloof/upset. See, I am still human enough and still like him enough to worry about how he feels.

I do not regret sleeping with A. That was something a couple of freakin years in the making and I wasn't about to let a non-existent relationship with H stop me. And it didn't. I just felt bad H had to see it. Irrevocable fact that yes, if H can fuck around, so can J. (definitely so can J)

My worries were mollified when H and I fell to messaging over sexual props. A friend's birthday was coming up and she requested for some kinky bondage crap. H suggested a place. I suggested we meet up later that night.

We did. I met up with my friend MC, we updated each other and went bought the gift. Then we hooked up with H at a club he worked in.

He arrived late. MC was already asking me if there was anything wrong and I had to explain to her that yes, H always is late.

I was wearing my new glasses. Making me almost unrecognizable when he arrived. I watched him talk to some girl. And he didn't even know I was there. Finally he saw me and came over. We talked a little. (more like shouted to hear ourselves above the music) He kissed me on the cheek, we made (nasty) comments about someone and then he excused himself to work. But before he left he issued a one-word command: Kiss.

And I did. And we did. And I apologized to MC after for the bold public display of affection. After the sets finished, our ears ringing, MC and I decided to stay outside, away from the noise. I told her I'd just text H to let him know where we were was I couldn't find him.

On our way out we chanced on H (fortuitously) talking to someone who looked (old) important.

We tried to creep by and avoid any undue attention. But just as I passed him (seems his eyesight is bad already), I heard H tell the person he was conversing with, Excuse me," then say the words, "J. Are you leaving?"

I turned slowly, fixed a smile on my face and said, "No, we're just going outside for some air."

"Ok, don't leave just yet."

"Ok"

So Mc and I went outside, lay our tipsy asses on the daybed and started conversing. We peeked glances at some hot rocker dude while waiting for H. And we waited a long long time.

Then H came out. We made out several times. It was hot and heavy stuff. In front of Mc. Who seemed to not care. But, well, admitted to a little envy. I guess she told bf D. Hehehe.

H left again. Mc teased me by saying it was ok if she had to take a cab home by herself. H had asked what my plans for the night were. I insisted I was going home as I had driver/spy Arr with me.

So H and I made out a couple more times. We were on hiatus for so long I could feel his dick twitching just from the French kissing. And as I left he squeezed my ass.

Mc raved about H all the way to the car. How good we looked together. Etc. etc. etc.

Still. It was all about fucking. And of course that one-word command: Kiss. (it kinda felt nice during. the whole Neanderthal aspect of being told to do something. Something you sorta wanted to do in the first place. But scary as well in the sense of. Oh fuck, now I obey his commands?)

No mention or reference to A at all.