Bitchicisms

Yes it just goes on and on and on.

I meet someone I get excited over, then it wanes, or intensifies, eitherway I look for a way out, a break, a distraction. And then the "like" wanes.

This is why nothing ever comes out of my lil fuck-arounds. Well aside from the fact that I end up meeting really inappropriate men.

Now I do wanna go out. And fuck someone new. Someone not H or V or even O. None of them. Someone brand new.

Girls do like variety too.

...kinda boring right now. No drama. Unless I make my own. All things quiet on the sex, work, money, family, friends fronts. Everything's fine.

Then why the hell do I feel the need to blow it all away?

it's like I can't even really sit still without drama. I need to, got to, want to, have some drama in my life. Things are boring. Getting better yet boring.

I feel stuck in inertia and weirded out by my birthday. It's too soon! I'm turning officially 24! Dammit!

There's so much more I want to do, but the place and time where I am in right now maybe preventing all that with the fear and shit. I think I need a great big leap of faith. Blow away all the crappy trappings of my life and go back to how I really am.

This way I will be free of H, V and O and all the crappy little turds that make up my old strings-free attachments. Not that I regret any of those, I loved them and will most likely do them again given half a chance. It's just that I am feeling twitchy.

I wrote this long boring blah-blah-blah post on my multiply that felt like goodbye. I feel like I do wanna strike out on my own somewhere and gather myself. I feel like I've lost myself in the swirling hype surrounding me.

Sounds weird I know. But I do have hype. I have this weird rep. And that's basically because I've been sleeping with too many people who frequent the same goddamn bar!

But no, it's not just that. I need to get away from my own expectations and my own carefully laid out plans. I need to clear my head. I will leave this company after I turn a year old. I will strike out somewhere alone and fresh and new. I don't want to be this brain dead or this stationary for long. I don't want H to be the main source of drama in my life.

I'm getting wanderlust. Heavy hardcore wanderlust. And I need to escape the secure, happy, safe shelter of people around me to find out what there is out there. And yes this blogpost already sounds like a cheap Hallmark made-for-TV movie about small town hick girl who moves to the big city. But yes. I want that.

The transformation from high school to college was a bit abrupt yet not too much. I want...something.

Oh yes, I can feel the "ber" months nearing. Dammit.

And yes, I did swear I would be 120 lbs. come December. Which is a full 20 lbs. loss in approximately 4 months. And I am eating brownies. hahahaha

This holiday season is shaping up to be one of the best in recent history. My family is doing very well. We're about to get two (two!yey!) dogs and money is so far not a problem.

I'm cleaning up my life (sorta facing up to old ghosts, friends who have been pissing me off for years...they now know god's honest truth), figuring out exactly what I want (which isn't staying in a stagnated company) and trying to get over this weird convoluted (daughter M's favorite word, hehehe)thing with H.

And yes getting older is definitely a lot of help. Though I am becoming more fearful and paranoid. Probably because life teaches you that shit happens, men sometimes are complete total assholes and friends can be full of shit.

A lot has happened the past 6 months I've changed careers and things have been mostly ok though they can be better. I don't really need a change, rather an improvement.

I need people who are not stupid, people who challenge, people who want something more out of life than multiple credit cards and loans and cars, people who inspire and command respect. I am sick of nouveau riche white trash types who have no breeding. I am sick of people making fun of me cos I like nice things. I am sick and tired of people implementing rules that do not apply to them and most of all I am sick of the family that blunders into all sorts of crap beause they are pretending to know what they are doing.

It's put up or shut up time. And I will gladly enjoy the last 6 months of my work here. I will not get into the pitfall of staying too long in a crappy job.

...and went to Sta. Mesa.

We got the first cab while M and B were waiting for their turn. It felt sort of surreal. Actually, the morning felt kinda surreal with M saying how she liked my tits and screaming that if she were a lesbian she'd do me and bemoaning the fact that men respected her. Hey, I'm a wanton woman and both M and B agreed that i was a hot lay, B said cos it was all out there (not referring to the boobage, but the attitude), but I would love to be respected too (hehe, got that part of it already).

Anyway, H was very very sick. So we went to Sta. Mesa. Got a room. We were planning just to sleep, both being very tired And him being very sick.

So we planned to. But the RC we got had a crappy signal, so I had to lean over and hold the RC really close to the TV. And he started fondling my ass, and then my breasts...and yes...we had sex.

It was good. And it was fun. Goddammit he is good.

He even asked how my week was. And apologized that he wasn't replying to my messages saying he ran out of credits and he was really sick. At one point, as I was reading an SMS he asked if my mom was looking for me, to which I replied no. Then he asked if my mom was looking for him. I turned away. (Before I'd mentioned to him that my mom wanted to meet him, which was true. She heard stories and when he called me one time at home he told me to say hi to her. He cited my mentioning my mom as one of his points why we needed to have "the talk" that I may be getting too deep. I felt kinda annoyed that he would bring it up. Not kinda. Really annoyed.) I didn't want to get into it.

I also mentioned to him that O saw a hickey on me. H jokingly asked who from, teasing me about sleeping with someone immediately after him. I indignantly told him, "No, it was from you!" He was fishing. Same way when he asked me what I was doing at another bar earlier that night.

Oh yes and he told me that he tried to catch me on YM Wednesday night but I was offline. And he told me how he was with his ex Tuesday night and that she spent Wed morning at his house, he even insisted they just talked.

It's funny. Now so many of my friends like him. And a lot of people who even know him say he's telling the truth. He even invited my daughter M to his party, which made me think, he knows anything that happens there will get reported to me, I mean I do have her loyalties.

My friend (who refuses absolutely to be named in this blog for any reason), told me not to automatically assume that H is looking for someone else to fuck. That I should believe what he says cos he seems honest. I dunno.

I'm still in self-preservation mode. And yes I still like him. Dammit.

Yes I am over-reacting, over-analyzing and basically being over about everything related to H.

I was kinda upset Wednesday when he told me he was sick and I heard from a very reliable source that he was at a bar the night before.

All sorts of sick thoughts ran through my head. Also added to that was the fact that he seemed preoccupied while we were chatting that day.

Thursday passed without a word. I texted him an ominous question "Alive?"

Friday I went out, determined not to walk into his bar. I included him in my regular random mass text messages and got no reply. Went home a little early (1 or 2 AM) cos I knew the only bar open til late was his bar. I also saw some guy who once groped my tit while I was asleep. I pretended I didn't know him.

Saturday night I went out with friends. High school friends to be precise. It was refreshing to go into a bar and not have slept with any of the bartenders, unlike when I go to the bar where H, V, and O hunt. Amazingly saw D, a random guy/vocalist I had a one night stand with about 5 years ago. Shocked old high school classmate when I murmured, "oh fuck, I think I slept with that guy 5 years ago."

I was bored. And though the bands were fine (one band had a song with the opening lines: Sex is good, sex is fine blah blah blah sixty-nine), I was sort of sure that my friends were going home after the last set. After all, it was raining pretty hard.

So I was texting people. I replied to F too late. Another friend (who reads this blog and refuses to be added here for any purpose at all) was sick at home. And so I ended up texting H. A simple how-are-you-what's-up-still-sick?-up-for-nasty-stuff? He replied with a simple invite to meet him at his bar.

So I went. Alone. My high school friends had to go home. On the cab I texted daughter M that I was on my way there. She replied by saying, "Bad Mommy."

Apparently H was really sick. Had the sniffles and sounded really nasal. V was there too... with the gf...whom H introduced me to the first chance he got (Sure hope she doesn't know anything cos it would've been awkward as hell!).

So I got there, all fired up from the band, and the cold cold sexy bed weather. H told me he was sick and he couldn't say if he could perform. I teased him saying, "ah, ok, i'm going home." And he was like, "That was fast." But I decided to stay for one beer.

Then ran into J, some guy I knew way back first year college. I had a killer crush on him then yet nothing happened. Now I don't know why I liked him at all. Except he was tall.

Then daughter M suddenly comes into the bar, screaming, "Mommy!" accompanied by kinda-cute/kinda-geeky boy B.

So we ended up talking. Random stuff. B and daughter discussed the merit of my boobs. H would come over and say hi. J left. Somewhere in the course of the night H decided he'd take a chance in aggravating his sickness by going home (oh yeah we fucked!) with me. Cd teased H about his style after he made me laugh at a joke. (I'm way more conscious of Cd now since H told me she was telling him not to be too close to other girls and asking about our status.)

So anyway. M also realized she liked H for me which I hated. V did not say a word to me. I enjoyed talking to B and M. H came over often to talk. And at one point he and daughter M engaged in a conversation about their similar passion (If I even say what it is here, it'll be too fucking obvious who these people are and the initials would be worthless attempts at secrecy[hint: it has something to do with illegal trade and the sea]). So I drew away and started talking animatedly to B. I was trying to disentangle my hand from H, which he held so tightly. He wouldn't let my hand go!

So blah-blah-blah...conversations. B got bullied into buying us tequila shots. He wanted beer. I told him the bar was closed. He still tried. They told him he could get beer if he bought Cd tequila shots. I was whining. He bought 4 tequila shots, one for Cd, one for me, one for himself and one for M. and I told daughter M I really liked B for her.

Especially when M threw up. She, at least, warned him about it. (My first date with H I just started throwing up in V's company) They got outside, B held her hair, and in the end he even wiped her shoes.

V was obviously teasing H about it. I told H to stop making fun. B was kinda sorta cute, except he kinda looks like my bro.

I told H I had to go. And he got all confused like, "maybe next time?" And I was like, "No, I meant with you."

So we left...

I have made conscious efforts to detach myself from H since we did it Saturday. I have no idea if it's a good thing or a bad thing. I mean, he has been in constant contact with me. It's like our old, ball's in your court game. Monday he texted first, Tuesday I did, yesterday he YM'd me first. Now, Thursday. I refuse to be the first one to look for him. It's my ego.

It got me wondering whether he thinks I'm the one who's an asshole for distancing myself after the sex. Maybe he thinks that after the sex I've lost interest, when that's my fear in regards to him.

But he's had this very good history of picking up on the cues I give so I guess I am distancing myself really as self preservation. If he imagines he can just keep me on the side and wait until he's good and ready before he claims me, then that really isn't the case.

If he really just wants to be friends I'm also sorry cos I do have enough friends already.

I like him. I sincerely honestly do. But I'm not about to let myself be hung up on a man that does not want to be hung up on me. Oh yes we had fun. Oh yes we enjoyed sex. But I have no plans of being his FB, of entertaining bootie calls (ala V) or of being his buddy (ala O).

I also have no plans of being anywhere within a 5 mile radius when he debuts his new girlfriend. By then I plan to be very very far away.

Fuck liking someone, fuck emotions. I am on self-preservation mode.

Oh yes, I am a brat.

I want what I want when I want it.

But as I've been explaining to people, I'm only bratty to the people who spoil me. And yes, there are people who spoil me, and there are people who let me be bratty.

H started calling me Bratatouille. And yes, I like the word. Rolls of my tongue see?

But brattiness comes with great expenses. :)) Yes spoiled myself too much am now about 15k short.

I'm not yet impoverished, just need to stop spending. Damn. This is hard.

God I can't believe how far I've gone with O, H and V since this post:

Shit or get of the Pot 3

from back in March

Dammit, yes I met H first and I wasn't really attracted. Amused not attracted. I hadn't even met V at this point.

Then came V as evidenced by the post:

Slutting

from way back when. Damn. What a whirlwind.

Now O is a good friend, V has a girlfriend, and I really, really like H. Dammit. What's wrong with me?!?!

Oh please this is me self-medicating...

1. He's not stable.
2. He's incredibly skinny.
3. He's not THAT hot (yes despite what some people think)
4. He's not emotionally available.
5. He has no time.
7. He is a player.
8. He is not boyfriend material.
9. He's old(!) and yet he still lives with his mother.
10. He has no ambitions (no obvious ones).
11. He's friends with V and O.
12. He's...well...he's H (as if that explained it all)...

Well, the only thing i can really say is that I like him, yet I wish I didn't. Because I am obsessing, especially now that I am bored. And yes, especially now after we've had sex (very very good sex in fairness), I am waiting for the first undeniable signs of faltering infatuation. But yet, he has gotten in touch all this time. Not a lot has changed actually...

Sigh! I hate liking him...

Well...not really...

It's just that the actual H killed my psychological and emotional idea of H. He did it by giving me the talk.

Sounds ominous I know. That's because it is. It was. He forced it when I was vulnerable and I didn't want to hear it but he wanted to be honest before we had sex so that he wouldn't be taking advantage of whatever feelings I had for him.

It was nice. He is nice.

But he crushed it. The daydreams and fantasies of what is he really likes me too? what if he wants a relationship? what if this is something serious? were crushed. I mean, I still would've freaked out if the talk had gone the other way, but I would've been happier than hearing he's just not into relationships right now.

I mean, ok fine. He said he really, really liked me. He said that if he wanted a relationship he'd look for me even if I was already in a relationship. But he doesn't want me to wait for him. And he explained why he was a horrible shudder boyfriend.

I dunno if this is cos I really, really liked him, or an ego thing. But goddamn! What was all that conversation about? I mean, I believe it when he says he likes my company, my conversation, because it shows. He's attentive and sweet and despite the fact I'd probably given him blue balls for the past couple of weeks he's not pushing for sex.

He just made me jaded again. H burst my bubble. I believed he was different and he wasn't. I honestly wasn't looking for a marriage proposal. What I wanted to hear was: I really like you (he got that part right) and maybe this can go somewhere real.

That was all I wanted to hear, instead I got the I like you but...(rambling, endless rambling).

For me liking someone enough to take it the next step, or even want to think about possibly taking the next step, doesn't matter on where I am in my life, or what I'm immersed in. It matters on how I feel about this person, and whether he could possibly be it. I don't see H as a good partner, in fact, I think he'd be horrible. I just wanted some assurance that we were getting to know each other because we could possibly have something. Not because he wanted to be an addition to my wide wide world of guy friends.

I'm keeping my distance now. Cos sorry, I have enough friends...

UPDATE: and oh yeah, why the fuck does he miss me now? Cos I stopped texting him regularly he looks for me? He peppers me with sweet nothings? Goddamit!

Only one way to cure these blues...indulge in music I can relate to...hence this song by Amy Winehouse...


All I can ever be to you

Is a darkness that we knew

And this regret I had to get accustomed to

Once it was so right

When we were at our high

Waiting for you in the hotel at night

I knew I hadn't met my match

But every moment we could snatch

I don’t know why I got so attached

It’s my responsibility

And you don’t owe nothing to me

But to walk away I have no capacity


He walks away

The sun goes down

He takes the day but I’m grown

And in this grey, in this blue shade

My tears dry on their own


I don’t understand

Why do I stress A man

When there’s so many better things at hand

We could a never had it all

We had to hit a wall

So this is inevitable withdrawal

Even if I stop wanting you

A Perspective pushes thru

I’ll be some next man’s other woman soon

I shouldn't play myself again

I should just be my own best friend

Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men


He walks away

The sun goes down

He takes the day but I’m grown

And it's OK

In this blue shade

My tears dry on their own


So we are history

Your shadow covers me

The sky above

A blaze


He walks away

The sun goes down

He takes the day but I’m grown

And it's OK

In this blue shade

My tears dry on their own


I wish I could SAY no regrets

And no emotional debts

Cos as we kiss goodbye the sun sets

So we are history

The shadow covers me

The sky above a blaze that only lovers see


He walks away

The sun goes down

He takes the day but I’m grown

And it's OK

My blue shade

My tears dry on their own


He walks away

The sun goes down

He takes the day but I am grown

And it's OK

My deep shade

My tears dry on their own


He walks away

The sun goes down

He takes the day but I’m grown

And it's OK

My deep shade

My tears dry

Hanging out with old old friends can be fun. People who've known you forever (or as much of forever as you're life spans can encroach on) will undoubtedly give you a good idea where you've been and where you're headed.

Well, that's what happened when I met up last Monday with D. See, she was a friend I collected when I was in the GIMIK stage. We'd hang out, go clubbing, I'd hook up (yeah I was always the sluttiest of the bunch.hehehe), they'd go home.

We hadn't seen each other in ages so it was a welcome respite from going on dates or obsessing about H (yeah I still do that. sucks ass).

So we went. I didn't really feel like dressing up so I just went in a white t-shirt and denim shorts, a get-up I someday hope to wear in an obscenely sexy way (my white shirt was just a medium sized t-shirt, no contours hugged at all, and the denim shorts were a bit long [they were supposed to be rolled up to mid thigh but my brother made a fuss. sigh]) but which at that time just represented comfy clothes.

I got to the coffee shop where D proceeded to make me wait for more than 30 minutes. I understand, she was coming on the way from school. And, I was pretty comfy in my lounge-y get-up with my green flats, green bag and my Nick Hornby book (coincidentally with a green cover). By the time she arrived I was three-fourths through with the book, whereas previously I was only one-half through.

I was chilling listening to music (the track at that time was already Fashionista by Jimmy James) and reading when I get this absurd phone call from D asking me to walk to the car to meet her friend. I was like, no, that's incredibly rude.

I dunno about other girls or how I used to be, but in my book (right now) if a man, guy or boy wants to meet me he better get off the fucking car and at least walk to where I am. Not sit in the car and wait for me. Unless he's taking me to a ritzy place for dinner and he's just picking me up.

Anyway it ended in a loud phone conversation which ended with D getting out of the car to get me and drag me to this boy.

Boy is right. He is cute in a boy-next-door-my-mom-really-likes-me kinda way. We shake hands then he proceeds to not look at m. Which annoys me and leads me to ignore him too.

D gets a tad bit upset (admit it D, you were). She says something like, "your standards got higher huh?". And I'm like, "well yeah, we're getting older".

So yeah the boy, F, sends her an SMS saying that I didn't seem interested and that we should just be re-introduced. I told her to send him a message saying I was interested but he didn't seem interested.

Long story short, F and I are already texting.

I also try to wrap D's mind around my fascination with H. That he was all that blah blah blah. But mostly I was thankful I still went out. F amuses me. Yeah he does. i wanna mother the bastard. he's such a cutie.

H please please catch up.